Jules,

I think your relationship is completely salvageable. I say this only because here are two people willing to save it. You’re in a better position than most people post breakup. Its a good sign he is still coming around. Its a good sign that even when yall still have squabbles and emotions run high, he doesnt run for the hills. He seems like he’s willing to accept these things as a part of the process, and hoping for the day you can get a grip on things.

I caution you on one thing though. Here is a guy who has put you on notice, he has been honest with you and shared his fears and feelings about why he feels a relationship with you isnt in the cards despite his feelings. So what are you going to do with that information? How are you going to address the issues that you carry that cause your part in the ups and downs, and the unpredictability of your behavior that he is fearful of.

More than likely he is waiting for you to show him you can evolve, he probably wants this from you because he thinks its the only thing stopping him from being able to commit to you like he wants to. However any over night change is most likely not going to occur and he needs to know this and be ok with that. You can either grow together and or grow apart. I dont believe people need to break up, to “work on themselves.” you can do it with the support of a relationship. People who have been married for 40 years are different people than when they started. They didnt need to break up and get back together every time one of them went through a moment of change in their lives.

The question here is, how much work are you willing to do? How patient and understanding is he willing to be in the process? My suggestion would be scale the relationship back to just “dating” rules. You’re going to have to throw away everything you knew about the old relationship, and start over from scratch. Something about the old relationship wasnt working, if you try again with the same dynamics in play. You’re doomed to the same fate.

You claim some of your issues on past trauma. This reason will only buy you so much from another person, we all have baggage that affects us. At some point it stops being our behavior because of those things, but more our behavior because we allow ourselves to be haunted by a ghost. It can be very frustrating for a partner to watch someone acknowledge the presence of something that can no longer hurt them, and continue to accept you have no control over it…. when in all reality its your choice to hold on to that baggage even though it may seem to you, its difficult to jettison it. Someone can only put up with being beaten over the head and shoulders by old baggage for so long, before they realize you love the drama more than you do them.

You make a few statements that I think are common problems with people with storied pasts. You say you will never allow yourself to open up to anyone ever again like you had out of fear of being used abused etc. What you refer to here are your boundaries, you certainly can have boundaries and enforce them. However having boundaries is not the same as holding something back or being closed off. Boundaries are what allow us to maintain our sense of self, and knowing who and what we are and what we are willing to accept and give into a relationship. To really make a relationship work, you have to be able to be vulnerable to this person. You have to provide a path for them to follow, not simply let them come from any approach they choose. This is where your boundaries come into play. Guiding them to the path you need them to take to access your already open heart. However boundaries are not a mine field, or a maze or test that the other person must successfully navigate to prove worthiness. You have a responsibility to guide him to what it is you want from him…if he hits a boundary you explain why he cant go that way and suggest an alternative route.

You more than likely are over thinking it. People who have had traumatic past and low confidence always exist in a very dark place with their thoughts. Whether or not it wasnt going to work out in the long run with THIS person remains to be seen. You have established however some obstacles you have to overcome before being able to be a emotionally healthy participant in a relationship with this guy or anyone else down the road. You’re going to have to do some serious reflection and adjustments regardless….. at the end of the day you have to do what you are comfortable with doing. There is a balance to everything you just have to find it.