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Reassurance and being needy

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  • December 29, 2016 at 9:25 am #123897
    Em
    Participant

    – guess it takes someone to feel like they have hit rock bottom to join and seek guidance. I’ve left a 9 relationship about 5 months ago. Yes another man was involved but it wasnt a long steamy affair. It was one night of kissing that made me realise what was missing. So I ended it. The new man was the trigger and not the cause. The problem was i jumped straight into a new relationship with him which was very intense and very quick. He is military so quickly he retreated when the emotions got intense. I wouldn’t hear from him in days. He is extremely independent whilst I am living alone for the first time ever. No one warns you its so hard. Being alone for the first time. So there is me learning to be independent and him learning to share his space with someone for the first time. I’m so insecure and I guess needy – my past relationship there was no affection. And not having that for years your confidence goes.

    Things were going well with the new man and then I find out he was messenging his ex telling her she looked hot and he told her that he didn’t have a girlfriend. I became very angry and when confronting him he said it was a stupid mistake and he will never do it again. I have given him plenty of opportunities to leave and he has stuck with me. I was thinking to trust him again because I feel that this relationship is so different from my past. Am I being stupid? Can couples work it out? Am I deluding myself in thinking we can work this out? I mean he didn’t physically cheat. I constantly need reassurance and when he doesn’t answer my messages it freaks me out. I don’t want to be this needy irrational person who is so quick to anger and tears.

    How do I become less needy and more confident. I know that the mistake was rushing into one relationship without dealing with the past. Is there anyway of saving this current relationship?

    December 29, 2016 at 9:56 am #123901
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear em-brokenheart:

    Being needy (in the title of your thread) is human nature. Every person is needy, nothing abnormal or unnatural about it.

    Let’s look at what you need and what he needs. From your share you need a man who will be affectionate toward you, a man who will be emotionally and physically involved only with you, and I am assuming, you need a man you can trust to be loyal that way to you.

    What does he need? Maybe he needs attention from more than one woman, and this is why he texted his ex girlfriend, for “reassurance” (also in the title of your thread) that he is attractive and desirable.

    You asked: “Is there anyway of saving this current relationship?”-

    Yes, IF he and you are willing to communicate honestly about what each one of you needs. If he will share with you his true motivation for texting his ex (instead of the easy cop out of he making a mistake), then there is hope.

    Do you think he is or would be willing to communicate with you this way?

    anita

    December 29, 2016 at 10:24 am #123905
    Em
    Participant

    I think he would if he knew how. He has been in the militany for most 25 years and has always put his career first. He has never had a full time relationship. He says the right things but I keep thinking of my past where most of my relationships ended with me being cheated on. He says he will fix this, that he wants it to work. But he hasn’t done anything to show it. Well not the way I want him to – is that because my expectations are too high?

    For instance we are both sick with the flu. He fell sick first and I went over to bring him some medicine and cook and keep him company. I texted him to check if he was ok. Now that I am I’ll I haven’t heard from him since this mowning. He stopped by yesterday to drop off some medicine and then left. I know he has been online but he hasn’t read my messages. It freaks me out. Because I keep feeling something bad is going to happen because it always seems to happen. Am I just inviting bad things in?

    I want to be this strong independent woman who doesn’t need anyone to make me happy but I don’t know how to find myself again. To make him work for it and realise how lucky he is (without sounding big headed). I want to be able to sit back and think right I haven’t heard from him it’s not the end of the world. But since the beginning I’ve needed his reassurance and I’m probably driving us both mad with it. I’m probably the reason why he needed reassurance from his ex. I don’t know how to find myself and me myself happy without depending on someone to do it for me. I’m 34 years old and this is the first time I am living on my own. Pathetic how I’ve always needed someone to look after me

    December 29, 2016 at 11:05 am #123915
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear em-brokenheart:

    No, I don’t think you are or have been inviting men to cheat on you or otherwise leave you. And I don’t think you are pathetic for living on your own for the first time at 34.

    When he told you that “he will fix this, that he wants it to work’- it is not for him to fix alone. In a relationship, the two people need to fix things together, the two talking about each person’s difficulty and challenges, listening to each other with empathy and letting each other know what each needs from the other.

    Reads to me like you are taking responsibility to what you are not responsible for. You are not responsible for him texting his ex girlfriend. He is responsible for that.

    anita

    December 29, 2016 at 11:36 am #123924
    Em
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    You are right. I’ve never realised that I’ve been taking responsibility for his mistake.

    And you are right we haven’t properly sat down and spoken about what we both need from a relationship. I’ve been so angry and trying to sort out my own feelings on my own that I haven’t really thought about what he is going through.

    I just want to stop feeling like this. Like I’ve been kicked in the stomach and constantly feeling nervous.

    December 29, 2016 at 12:08 pm #123930
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear em-brokenheart:

    You feel like you’ve been kicked in the stomach because you were kicked in the stomach when you discovered that text to his ex. He said it was a mistake. A mistaken action is one that a person does with a misunderstanding. For example: I read that taking vitamins is healthy so I swallow a whole bottle of vitamin A, mistakenly believing that the more- the better. I feel sick, go to a doctor, and learn I made a mistake- the more NOT the better. When he sent that text, there was no misunderstanding there. It was wrong action, a kick in your stomach.

    Do talk to him, when both are as calm as can be. Ask him what would be best time for him to have a calm conversation. Ask him about that text, tell him you want to understand his motivation, that you don’t want to argue with him, to prove him wrong, to make him feel bad; that you only want to understand what honestly motivates him. You want to learn more about who he is. Listen to his answer. Is he open to discuss this; is he honest?

    Let’s say he can’t handle this topic. Choose another- ask him for his thoughts, his feelings, his motivations. Tell him of your own. Be honest with him and pay attention: is he honest with you.

    Without honest communication, you have nothing good with him.

    anita

    December 31, 2016 at 4:43 am #124052
    DaisyBuchanan
    Participant

    Dear em-brokenheart;

    Maybe you are not allowing yourself the opportunity to fully heal after ending a 9 year relationship. Sometimes it is the case where a ‘rebound’ sort of relationship can trigger a lot of emotions (sadness, anxiety, depression, anger) associated with the loss of the long term relationship. Be easy with yourself and let yourself feel what is there. I am speaking from experience; I ended an 8 year relationship with my fiancé and tried to jump into a relationship with someone whom I had a smoking hot connection with before I was fully healed. Other issues led to that not working out, however, I felt extreme anxiety and attachment to this person (which is not characteristic of me in relationships), and I am fairly certain it was a compounding effect of not allowing myself to process and heal from the demise of my LTR. Best of luck to you!!! Know you are awesome!

    Daisy

    January 3, 2017 at 6:32 am #124412
    Em
    Participant

    Thanks Daisy.

    We have agreed to give each other some space so that we can both work on ourselves. For me – time to heal for him to work out what he needs from a relationship. We have also agreed to wipe the slate clean and literally start from the beginning again. And that we need to ensure that we both work at this relationship and to communicate with actually listening…. if that makes sense. I’ve told him where my insecurities come from and he has tried to explain to me his. He finds talking about emotions very foreign and struggles to articulate what he is feeling.

    So time will tell and hopefully we are one of those couples who will survive

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