Hi Jana,

I’m a so sorry for what you have been through.

Firstly I must say that I think you need to leave this man alone. He has been very clear more then once that he doesn’t want to hear from you. Contacting him again is only going to result in more pain for you so don’t do it.

I also have to agree with your statement that you have some issues around relationships. I’m not sure I’d agree with the term ‘Love Addict’ because that sounds a bit of an odd concept. It may be worth it to seek some therapy to find out what your issues are around relationships.

I would also say please don’t despair. Just because you did things in this relationship that were less then ideal doesn’t mean that you are damaged or that you will repeat the behavior in your next relationship. Having awareness is the key to making changes.

I also think some of the blame falls on your ‘friend’. I have write the term ‘friend’ like this because I don’t believe that he was ever much of a friend to you at all. I think this individual was actually quiet manipulative and used you. He certainly isn’t the innocent party in this story.

Lets look at it this way. First of all he contacts you, a strange women on the internet and begins flirting with you despite the fact that he is in a relationship. He persists even after you tell him how uncomfortable you feel.

He then breaks up with this girlfriend and bombards you mixed messages. He flirts with you, insists he is over his girlfriend, makes plans for you to go and see him . . . but then says he is unsure about wanting a relationship. He doesn’t say he doesn’t want one, just muddies the waters by saying he has reservations.

He then dallies with you for three weeks, then tells you he has reconnected with his ex-girlfriend, whom he still loves, but doesn’t want to be with and he doesn’t want to loose your friendship. Talk about mixed messages!

It seems to me, from what you have told us, that he dragged you along on a string and that he wanted his cake and to eat it too.

Now I agree that your emails were over the top and you should not have sent them. However I think his response of anger towards you was pretty cheeky. It’s obvious that the two of you were emotionally intimate and to not mention that he had started seeing someone else when things were still up in the air between you was wrong.

In short I don’t think you have lost much at all by ending this relationship and I think having no further contact with him is one of the best things that could happen to you. If I were you I would block him on Facebook and all social media and block his email address.

What is left to you now, is to work out how you are going to begin your journey towards more healthy relationships. I think you need to work on your self worth and perhaps also learn how to interpret red flags better. Be compassionate towards yourself.

I’m sorry for what you have been through and I wish you health and happiness.

Hello I am really sorry to read about your pain. Most of us who have experienced the mind numbing hurt of unrequited love will understand your plight and know how terribly you are suffering at the moment. I agree with all the advice you have been given by the other contributors- the only thing that I can offer is that this pain will pass. Slowly, perhaps too slowly, but it will go even though it may persist for 1, 2 or even more years. Slowly you will forget the selfishness of this other who you once considered a friend. He has been no friend to you in truth and you will come to understand that. Please stop beating yourself up and recognise that the process of grieving- for that is what you are doing- is well documented and ends with the final act of acceptance so that you can move on with your life. This man has made a big hole in your heart but, you know, the heart is a wonderful thing. It has powers of regeneration and healing and you will be alright in the end. Look after yourself and be kind to yourself.

Ade

Jana,

I’m sorry for the pain and confusion that you’ve been suffering with, and you’re in my prayers. There is nothing wrong with being a dreamer, and you do not come across as broken. I find the internet to be a mixed blessing in terms of information exchange, because on one hand we can find all sorts of labels for who we are and how we suffer, but on the other we can “diagnose” ourselves and practically give up, just thinking “yep, this is how I am”. What nonsense! There is always a path to joy, and no heart is so convoluted that it cannot find its way with a little love and light.

When I read your words, a few things came to heart. I agree with Buddhist Wife, that with the guy in the story its probably best to just get him out of your life. But, I don’t think that you have addictive patterns, it sounds like you have codependency patterns. Consider picking up a copy of Pia Mellody’s books, they are fantastic.

The nut of the pattern of codependency is that some people don’t feel content with who they are, and don’t take time to self nurture. They look for love outside themselves, and often fall fast and hard into unhealthy relationships and ignore red flags. They also think they can “change them with the power of their dedication”.

Pia Mellody does well to explain the patterns, and how to untangle them. It may really help, not because “you need professional help” but because maybe your journey would be softer and happier if you can learn from people who have looked deeply at the driving force of the patterns and how to overcome them.

Buddha taught that we all have a fundamental ignorance about how to work with our minds and bodies to find balance. That you’ve stumbled along the path is normal, usual and unavoidable. Don’t give in to the critic (internal or external). Your beauty and passion come through in your words, and with a little tweaking here and there I’m sure your path will be much more peaceful, and full of all the love you deserve. Namaste sister, I wish you well!

With warmth,
Matt

Jana,

I agree codependent sounds better than love addict, but I also find neither of them to be accurate. Codependency isn’t something you “are”… its just a game you’ve played as you try to find joy. Being a codependent is too permanent, false, unreal. We’re changing all the time, and as we uncover the reasons why we played that game, we stop. No problem. Then its just a matter of upkeep. Namaste!

With warmth,
Matt

Matt I love everything you say. Do you live on a cloud?

(Lydiakbryant@gmail.com)