I’m really hurting right now because of a recent fallout with a friend, and I could use some help seeing what the reality of the situation is. I’ll try to describe what happened as objectively as possible… Though inevitably I can only speak from my own perspective. This is going to be long, so if anyone actually reads it and responds I’ll be very grateful. Maybe it will help just to get it out though.

About two years ago, I started talking to this guy online. He had come across my blog and reached out to me because he liked what I wrote. We had a lot in common and I enjoyed speaking with him. But he sometimes made me a bit uncomfortable because he kept flirting with me, even though I knew he had a girlfriend. At one point I flat out told him this, but he assured me he only wanted to be friends. After several months, we met in person when I had the opportunity to visit his city. I enjoyed spending time with him as a friend and nothing happened.

But several months after that he ended up breaking up with his girlfriend, and we started talking more often. After a while I began to develop feelings for him. I tried to keep those feelings at bay, because I didn’t want to be pining after someone who lived so far away and who also seemed to still have issues with his ex, even though he claimed to be over her. But he kept flirting with me, and eventually I couldn’t hold it in anymore and confessed that I liked him. It was hard not to like him because he was so nice and we had so much in common. We started talking constantly and made plans for me to visit him again. He expressed reservations about not being ready for a relationship and not wanting to hurt me. I should have listened to him and backed away… But I didn’t. I had already given in to my feelings and I was too far gone by then.

I stayed with him for three weeks and we both had a great time. Everything seemed to be going well… Until just a few days after I left, when he told me out of the blue that he’d just realized he was still in love with his ex girlfriend. Apparently she had showed up, he’d told her everything that had happened between us and she’d gotten really upset, which had made him realize he loved her. He said he didn’t want to get back with her due to some issues they had, but I told him I couldn’t be anything more than friends with him if he was in love with someone else. I should have told him I needed some time to myself to process my feelings… But he had expressed concern on more than one occasion about losing our friendship. I knew a lot of people had abandoned him in the past, so I was determined not to be another one of those people. I had promised him I’d always be there for him as a friend no matter what. So I felt like I had to be there for him and help him through the pain he was feeling in relation to his ex, even though I knew he would have been perfectly willing to give me space if I’d asked for it. But I was trying to be stronger than I was, and honestly I just didn’t want to stop speaking to him.

Foolish as it seems now, I held onto my feelings for him, thinking he was sure to come around and fall in love with me if I just showed him what an amazing friend I could be. But things didn’t work out that way at all. What happened was that he stopped moping over his ex and moved on with his life… And the weird thing is that it was really sudden. I swear, one day he was depressed and staying at home in bed all day, and the next day he was out partying. Then he became really busy with his work and social life, and I started hearing from him less and less often. Pretty soon it seemed like I was always the one contacting him first. He seemed to be really happy, and although I was glad for him, I couldn’t help thinking there was something unnatural about it. I also couldn’t help feeling hurt because it was clear he didn’t need me in his life anymore. Although he had talked before about how much he was going to miss me when I left his city, he didn’t seem to miss me at all. Now I was the one desperate to maintain the friendship, even though he was the one who’d seemed so worried about it at first. This sudden transformation of his was incomprehensible to me. He seemed to have changed in the blink of an eye from being smitten with me, to being depressed about the situation with his ex, to being really happy with his single life and not needing anyone.

A couple times he got irritated at me for complaining about him not contacting me as often, not treating me like he used to, etc. A couple times I sent him emotionally charged emails about how I couldn’t understand why he didn’t love me even though I’d done so much for him, etc. Each time I felt stupid immediately afterwards, apologized profusely, and tried to give him his space. But it was hard. I couldn’t seem to go more than a few days at a time without checking up on him.

Just a few weeks ago, I saw he’d posted a picture on Facebook of himself and another girl with their arms around each other. I couldn’t help myself: I asked him what was going on. I said that I was still in love with him, but maybe if I knew he was with someone else I could finally get over it. He responded that the girl was his girlfriend. I told him I was surprised, since he’d been quite insistent about not wanting to be in an official “relationship” with me, and now just a few months later he had a girlfriend. I asked him why he hadn’t just told me about her.

And then he got really angry. She had just become his girlfriend a few days ago, he said, and he hadn’t told anyone yet. He hadn’t been trying to keep anything from me. He said he was annoyed with me, and that the way I reacted to such things wasn’t normal. He told me he thought I was obsessed and needed professional help. He accused me of “emotional blackmail.” He said I scared him. He said he’d tried to make it clear he wasn’t interested, but I wasn’t taking the hint so he had to be blunt. Then he told me to leave him alone.

Those words were especially hurtful because I’m afraid there may be some truth to them. I’ve long suspected that the attachment I feel to the people I fall in love with is beyond what’s normal, that it borders on obsession. When I fall in love with someone, I think about that person so much that I can barely function. I fall fast and hard, and I don’t get over it easily. I seem unable to control my emotions. It is scary even to me. I thought it had gotten better, that I’d matured… But I still hadn’t been able to keep myself from obsessing and sending long, emotionally charged emails. And now here was this guy, who once thought I was the best thing since sliced bread, telling me I’m crazy and shouting at me to stay away from him.

Then I read about something called “love addiction.” Yes, apparently such an addiction exists, and it’s not much better than a cocaine addiction from what the literature says about it. According to psychcentral.com:

“Love addicts spend much time and effort on a person to whom they are addicted. Love addicts value this person above themselves, and their focus on the beloved other often is obsessive. This behavior results in love addicts neglecting to care for themselves in a variety of ways, in essence abandoning important aspects of their lives and well-being to stay connected to the object of their affections. A love addict’s core fantasy is the expectation that someone else can solve their problems, provide unconditional positive regard at all times, and take care of them. When this unrealistic need isn’t met, love addicts may find themselves feeling resentful, and may create conflict in their relationships with others.”

Then I found one of those self-diagnosis checklists, and I found myself checking most of the boxes.

So as I’m sure you can imagine, I haven’t been feeling too great about myself since then. Apparently I’m a crazed love addict, and any guy in his right mind should stay away from me because I’ll become obsessed and needy and eat him alive. And now it seems I’ve lost a friend for good. (I just tried contacting him the other day to ask if he wanted to make up and be friends again. He told me very bluntly to leave him alone.)

And that’s pretty much the whole story. It seems to me like both of us did things wrong, and like I’m not the only one who has issues… But the nature of my apparent problem disturbs me.

I don’t really know what else to say and I don’t know what kind of response I’m expecting… But I guess I’m hoping someone might say something to make me feel better. ><;;;

At any rate, thank you for taking the time to read this novel of a post.