I am putting this under the category relationships because the problem seems to show within my relationships. I am a very closed off, reserved, antisocial human being. I am one of the shyest people I know. As a kid I never looked anyone in the eye. There have been periods of time in my life when I am super outgoing and making tons of friends. Those are usually the periods when I am most comfortable in my skin and confident. Even in those moments, I am still reserved. I have a huge problem with people judging me. This is why I am not comfortable around people I don’t know. But if I do get to know you and am comfortable, it means a lot. And once I let you in my life, it is VERY hard for me to let you go. There are only 3 people in my life who I trust. 1) my cousin. 2) one of my friends at school. and 3) my boyfriend.

I think I am like this because I am insecure. I do not feel comfortable having people know me personally, knowing that I am sad, knowing what I do. People outside of these 3 people often judge me. They judge me for being with my boyfriend. They know how unhappy he can make me, and they call me stupid for staying with him. These things are said behind my back. I honestly don’t they they are said with bad intentions as most people saying these things do not know me that well, they just make observations. I probably come off as stupid being with someone who doesn’t seem to care for me. I know these are high schoolers I am talking about, most of them know nothing and neither do I. Plus these people saying these things are always nice to me but these are their criticisms of me. My boyfriend doesn’t seem to care for me according to people who aren’t me. I am not offended that they think this as I understand it is their observation, but deep down it hurts me because I love my boyfriend and am under the impression that he does indeed love me. This is why I stay away from outside people. I only stay close with the 3 people listed. I trust that they do not judge me and won’t leave me.

I am not sure why I feel and think this way as it is not healthy. I need independence and should be able to be friends with people because it makes me happy, not because I “let them in.”

I do not feel worthy of being friends with people. I feel like I am perceived as stupid, as somebody nobody wants to be friends with, as somebody who doesn’t understand what it is to be normal. So I cling on to the people who have shown me they care. It is so unhealthy. I notice that when I am talking to an acquaintance in class for example, I am unsure of what to say so I don’t give away who I truly am. Its like deep down I am so sad and insecure…. and that is what I am feeling 24/7 but I am not going to express that to an acquaintance! I have to pretend to be normal in conversation, and to me (and probably other people) I come off as having no personality, as somebody who has no brain, or somebody who is extremely awkward and fake.

I have been really acknowledging this problem now as I have been trying my hardest to make friends. Also, today my 2 friends committed to the same college. They are planning to be roommates. One of those friends is the one friend I really trust. The other I do not trust. I am not sure why I am upset. I still like the other friend, she is awesome. But I feel like my closer friend will become closer with her, and tell her all my secrets. I don’t know why!!!! I feel like they will get so close and my one friend will ditch me. Even though I have chosen my boyfriend over her millions of times. I hate that that is how I feel… I don’t understand why because it makes no sense. I feel like my one close friend will start talking about me to the other, and they will both agree that I am stupid and unworthy. And they will forget about me because I am obviously not good enough.

Also with my boyfriend, I do believe we love each other. But I also realize we are not good for each other. He is immature and hurts me a lot. So I have every reason to leave. But I can’t. So I wonder if this is why I can’t? Because I showed him sides of me nobody else has seen and can’t let him go. I trusted him with everything and therefore I can’t break away. He is part of that small group of people who know me. I also love him a lot and love him strong, so I know that it makes it hard to leave. My brain tells me I can find happiness outside of him but my heart and soul and whole being tells me I need him. And I do love him.

I need help because this way of thinking does not benefit me.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Katie.
• This topic was modified 6 years, 10 months ago by Katie.