I used to have the passion, I was in love with the idea. But, perhaps right now its not what I need. Or, I dont need to learn one with all the baggage of him attached. Spanish doesnt have that baggage attached to it at all, and I have had a hankering to pick it up again.

It was certainly a fantasy, even when reality. Most communcations were about a future, always a future together. So much so that even when we were a more ‘real” couple, Id never realise that we were far away and that wasnt building a real bond. Instead it was endless plans and plans, constantly refining the same ones, agreeing, but never starting, never realising these dreams, plans together. And well, this time, I think it came to a head that it was indeed only a fantasy.

I realised this too, I should have seen it more objectively, I was so stuck in my old mindset, that endless fantasizing, this time I didnt see it for how fragile, fleeting it was. I kept telling myself “wow he really is the one”… but this time it was more hesitant, I was doubting it because it wasnt real anymore… he wasnt a proper boyfriend. I told myself that it was my fault, but that was the doubts from before. This time, it really wasnt working.

In some sense, it was nice… if I look at it as a brief heady re-encounter and nothing more, so be it. Life goes on… that takes away the self blame that I was the idiot over-dedicated to someone who didnt feel the same. No guilt-tripping needed. Let it all go…

Yeah, I have accepted that all now and I agree with you. He isn’t ready, or willing, and perhaps never will be ready to have a proper relationship, he only tells himself and those he meets that, perhaps because of his own fantasy or delusion. It doesnt matter to me though, because it is over. I dont think he’s a bad person, just perhaps not fully aware of his actions. Doesn’t matter anyway, I am no longer attaching my dreams or wishes of a man to him, I am actively detaching them. Seeing him as a human nonetheless, with whatever issues he has, but detaching myself from him so I can move on. I am merely processing what happened to simply be able to accept it, move on, not judge myself or anyone else. No bad taste in my mouth, no bitterness towards myself either. I can still want the same of someone, I do have a legitimate expectation of a relationship. And, it wasnt wrong or foolish of me to think I saw that in him, but that is all it was, I thought I saw it in him. But, it is over. Sure, the future is the future, maybe I will see him again someday, but I dont plan on waiting for him at all, especially romantically. I want something better. I dont want to get tied to him ever again. (I need to 100% believe this yet I still need to see how it wasn’t good, but that will come with time as I accept what happened.) Im even slowly unravelling all the processes id developed that stop me from considering other guys. Slowly seeing how often I over-attached myself to him. And, this process feels good. Its scary when I lapse and think of him and feel jealous and hurt by what hes doing now… taking romantic pics of him with the guy in Argentina… but I removed him from instagram and as I move on, I will feel that urge to look less and less. Its a little sad, I think I feel sorry for myself. Perhaps too proud still to admit it was what it was (I cant think of a constructive word for the experience), but no worries.

I am focussing on me and me alone.

I think, this is what I finally am seeing today, that it’s with someone else my heart should lie. Takes a while to heave it out of place, set it free, dust it off again, but it will work. I’m seeing the learning it whats happened, not self-guilt, not telling myself I did something bad and can only continue to do so. If this is what I take back with me on the plane, then perfect. That happy-sad feeling of moving on but with new opportunity around the corner. It’s scary but its like I’m peeling back a big curtain. Not that the curtain is scary, but before I’ve been scared of what’s behind it. I really can move on, step into my own journey once more.