Amy, Coconut.. or anyone around? I could use a friendly ear. Having a really tough time. I’ve been struggling so very much that the smallest things are so difficult. I’m trying to focus on getting dressed everyday, even if I don’t do it until 4pm like I did yesterday. I got dressed by 11:30am today. I know it doesn’t sound like much, but it is. It feels like climbing a mountain. Then yesterday I managed a 15min walk and plan to go on a short one today with my camera. I love art and photography. I like photographing birds, and this is the best time of year as our trees are just starting to bud, so they’re easy to find. Maybe today will be a better day but I just have so much going on and so much change.

I got upset yesterday from an email from my art therapist. They keep changing things on me and I got triggered, I must have sent 15 emails, evertime I thought of ‘one more thing to add’ I’d send it. I was reacting obviously and I feel like a fool. I just feel like I can’t trust them anymore. They made me switch to tuesdays, I told them I can’t always be consistent on tuesdays and they assured me that I could come in on saturdays if it ever happened. I tried to change my appt tomorrow and they’re now telling me that my therapist has no other openings and that if I don’t want to ‘miss a week’ I’d have to see someone brand new! Are they stupid? How do they expect me to just ‘start over’ with someone new once in a while. They also told me that they recently hired a scheduling co-ordinator, but they refuse to give me this persons name or phone #.  They told me to email this person at the regular ‘art therapy’ email. I call BS. They said she doesn’t have a phone, so I said, I need her name. Now it’s the lady in charge wanting to sort it out with me. .. ahem, what about this ‘new person’ they hired? I have such a hard time to trust, I don’t know what to do.

I have an appt with my family doc tomorrow and it usually ends in severe anxiety and or panic attacks, so bad that I have to end up taking a taxi home. She prescribed an anti-depressant over the phone to my pharmacy, but it was already one I tried a few times and couldn’t handle the side effects. Then a week or so ago she prescribed one that causes dizziness, insomnia, headaches, nausea ect.. I have all those already!! It’s also a drug used for patients with Bi-Polar, which I do not have. I refused to take it, when I read up on it it even says ‘cannot help with a depressed mood’. In the past, I was a guinea pig. I tried just about every anti-depressant, and combinations ect.. I don’t want to do this again. I either tell her I’m not comfortable in taking the med she recently prescribed, or tell her I tried it and couldn’t tolerate the side effects. ughh

Since I spoke of my art .. here’s a picture of a sunset I took back in April, I think it was Easter Sunday as I hardly ever walk along the River, as it’s not close to my place. I wish I had a car, I go watch the sunsets everyday and here the rapids moving. Enjoy.  (I don’t know how to add it, oh well)

Amy,

I tried so hard today and it was all for nothing. I come home and I get hurt. I don’t want help anymore cause I’m tired of having to fight to keep it. Nobody wants to help they just want to see me fall through the cracks, when I;m already falling through. I’m tired of this. I am sinking further each day and Im not going to be around much longer. I can’t take it. Everyone can let me go, cause that’s what they think is best for me but they better not show up at my funeral, actuallly I won’t have a funeral so that doesn’t matter anyways. I doubt anyone will notice anyways. I’m done. I’m blowing up at people when I NEVER do things like that. I blew up and swore at a guy at the coffee shop. I called an apologized and the manager, what the heck,. she gave me a free meal for apologizing. I didn’t deserve a free meal. I did it again on my way home from my walk. I’m getting worse and there not a thing I can do about it. If agencies want to let me go, fine.. go right ahead. I cant fight anymore, I just dont have it in me. I had a long walk, birds ate out of my hands, got a few pics but WHAT’s the point??? I just fell apart anyways. I’m better off just never going out again. I can;t do this. I dont needd any help numbers cause I’m NOT telling my story over again. It doesnt help to have some teenager on the other end of the phone says ‘Oh it sounds like a difficult day’ NO kidding it is. I’m done. I’m sooo done. I can’t do this. I really, really can’t. Ive had enough of this struggling. I’m sorry to hurt yiu when you’ve been so so kind to me. I ;m so sorry Amy. I just hurt too  much and ppl think it’s OK to take services away from me or keep changing them to suit them NOT me. I can’t fight this fight anymore. 🙁

Thanks Amy for your message. I mean that I don’t like using crisis lines because they want to hear your ‘story’ all over again. Things have gotten even worse. Right now I kinda have no support. I have the art therapy and it’s not consitent, they’re always changing it on me and even now I thought we had settled into a weekly schedule and I’ve missed the past 2 weeks. And even with that, they want to change the time from 4pm, to 5pm. Nope, not good for me. I need my evenings to ‘try’ and relax depending on the circumstances. I just started feeling comfortable with Monique and they want to change my therapist then said to me.. “YOu need more support than just Art Therapy’

More support, and yet they know at every turn I’m losing support. May 28th I meet for the last time with a mental health worker who I’ve had for 20yrs (I didn’t realize it was that long) It’s just a very short meeting to introduce me to the new worker who will transition me till August when I’ll be cut off from their agency. I don’t get any closure with this lady. How can they do this?

Remember the community paramedics I work with? I work with one now and only for a little while. Not sure how long. His sole job now is to advocate for me and set me up with all the resources I need. Once I’m all set up, he’ll let me go. He offers zero support anymore and after sharing with him all I did about this guy and I wish I could share that it’s his friends too but I can’t. Not his job anymore. He’s going to advocate for me with losing the mental health worker.

I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned this, but I have a non-malignant brain tumour. I get dizzy spells and sometimes pass out. Well, long story short, I passed out last week outside where I live and people who saw it called 911. One paramedic was excellent with me, the other not. It turned into a very difficult evening and I’m still very upset about it.  If I ever need an amulance, forget about it, I’d rather die at home.

I’ve attempted suicide several times since you last heard from me. I’m overwhelmed, I feel so incredibly alone and I’m being hurt all the time. Tonight his friends are coming. I have no idea how many, but I can’t take this. Even if it were to stop, I still have to deal with all of the outcome if you know what I mean. I don’t want to be around anymore. If I had the guts I’d jump the waterfall down the street from me. Everytime I go, I get scared, what if it’s a slow death? How fast would hypothermia set it?

I’m overwhelmed and I feel all alone. What’s the point anymore?

Emma… a very sad, distraught, hurting, hopeless Emma.. 🙁