Dear Madina:

Good to read back from you two months and 2 days after you last posted, although I wish you were feeling better. First, congrats for starting a relationship with a man who is “amazing, caring and loving“!

Now, let’s look at your update: “I am attracted to (him) physically… recently we had sex and like there is no chemistry. I didn’t feel it“- first, you felt physically attracted to him, then, within the circumstance of having sex with him, your fear went up and your physical attraction for him disappeared. This is quite natural: think of animals in the wild, like deer, being busy eating, mating, resting, whatever they do…  the moment they hear a possible predator approaching, they feel intense fear, get tense, and gone is their feeling of hunger (they immediately stop eating, I’ve witnessed this), gone is their sexual drive (they immediately stop mating… I imagine, didn’t witness this in person). All they do is freeze and look for a  predator. Same with humans: when there is significant fear, we freeze and gone is hunger and sexual drive.

Let’s look for evidence of your fear in your original Aug 18 post: “it scares me a lot!.. I get panic attacks about that… I am scared of men, I am so scared of being hurt or abused again”- there’s the fear.

Back to your update: “And all these OCD thoughts came back. I think that I can’t be with a man… I think that might be a sign I should start dating women“- and here is the panicking and overthinking and jumping to conclusions.

“what is wrong with me?“- your fear went up, your sexual drive disappeared, that’s all, is what I figure.

anita

Reposted:

Dear Madina:

“I had abusive violent relationships…in other relationships I keep sabotaging love. I always ask them to break up with me and provoke them… I always feel that uncertain feeling in all my relationships, that’s why I try to avoid them, even friendships…  I can’t have normal relationships, because I am used to violent and abusive relationships… in all my life I always question my identity, like who am I, what do I want, what if I am not the person that I Am…  And this fear and pressure that I feel all the time inside!… do you understand what I am saying?“-

-yes I do. Actually, I relate to all of what I quoted above. I was finally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder  11 years ago, but I know that the diagnosis applied to me since I was 20 or so (I no longer fit the diagnosis).

Wikipedia: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… To be diagnosed, a person must meet at least five of the following: * Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships… * Markedly disturbed sense of identity and distorted self-image… People with BPD tend to have trouble seeing their identity clearly. In particular, they tend to have difficulty knowing what they value, believe, prefer, and enjoy. They are often unsure about their long-term goals for relationships and jobs. This can cause people with BPD to feel ’empty’ and ‘lost’. Self-image can also change rapidly from healthy to unhealthy. People with BPD may base their identity on others, leading to chameleon-like changes in identity”-

– do you relate?

anita

Dear Madina:

You are welcome and thank you for the hearts and the blessing. Congrats for having a clean life! Well, we have a lot in common: I was diagnosed with BPD (and with OCD), no longer fitting either diagnosis. The two diagnoses/ symptomology  go together like peas and carrots, feeding each other. Post again anytime, Madina, any topic.

anita

Dear Madina:

“why did your BPD symptoms went away?“- because I attended quality psychotherapy for about 2.5 years (2011-13) where my therapist diagnosed me with BPD and based on this diagnosis designed a treatment plan for me that combined Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) which is tailored specifically for this diagnosis, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and Mindfulness. and because following therapy, I continued to work on my healing: much of the work is still done here, in these forums where I participate daily since May 2015.

My therapist used to give me homework almost every session which included listening to mindful guided meditations (by Mark Williams, an authority on Mindfulness from Oxford University, available to download for free), as well as reading and writing assignments. I am therefore used to work on healing outside sessions with a therapist.

“I mean it just happened? I have a great hope that mine will go away some day“- no, it didn’t just happen. I don’t think it just happens for anyone.  (that would have been dreamy… wouldn’t it?)

anita