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Putting my foot down and feel bad about it

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  • January 3, 2016 at 8:54 am #91200
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi everyone!

    I just had to write because I feel so bad. My best friend since childhood and I had a big talk today. When we were around 18 (we are 23 today), she started to become really nasty and passive aggressive towards me, but never in a way that was easy to put a finger on. This went on for some years, and even though we had good and fun times aswell, it was extremely hard emotionally for me. I moved abroad when I was 19 and a big reason was because I wanted to get away from her.

    Since more than two years ago, I’m back in my home country but live and study in a city about an hour away from where we grew up (and she still lives). I visit my parents and siblings quite often, and I go home every summer and Christmas. And everytime I’m back, she still wants to hang out and she’s really excited to see me. But I don’t feel comfortable with our friendship at all. She is rarely mean to me anymore, but I just don’t trust or like her and I feel we have grown apart big time. I’ve been home now for a few weeks for Christmas break and it just stressed me out that she really wants to see me so badly and that she gets sad and upset when I say I don’t have the time. So I finally told her that I’m happy that we don’t see each other as much anymore, because even though I like her as a friend, I feel like it’s better for us when we have some distance between each other. I also talked about how in the past I got really hurt and that there was so much tension between us then. She seemed to understand, but she was really sad aswell. And now I feel bad for hurting her. Do you think it’s the right thing to speak your mind like that, even though you’re hurting someone? I just felt like I didn’t want to lie or avoid her anymore, and that I was hurting her even more by pulling away without any reason.

    January 3, 2016 at 9:36 am #91204
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    The only problem I have with what you told her is that you told her that you like her as a friend, when the truth is that you no longer like her, like you wrote “I just don’t trust or like her”- so you lied to her just a bit so to … make her feel better.

    I am all for the truth in most cases, and in this case. Notice it is SHE who has hurt you by being nasty and passive aggressive toward you for years. So you no longer trusting her or liking her is a CONSEQUENCE of her many actions. It is not your job to protect her from the consequences of her actions. It is not healthy for you or for her. It is not you hurting her, it is you naturally REACTING to HER hurting you.

    You can’t help no longer trusting and liking someone who has hurt you again and again. It is natural and reasonable to lose such feelings to a source of pain.

    It is a good practice for anyone dealing with people, to allow people to enjoy or suffer the consequences of … their own actions. This is the right thing to do, promoting one’s own healing and making it possible for others to learn from the consequences they experience so to have the opportunity to evaluate their behaviors.

    Good job, Sarah. You did the right thing, don’t back off from doing the right thing and get even bolder, telling it like it is. Kindly, gently, fine, but the truth. “When you acted this way and that way (specifics), over time I lost my trust and liking of you and at this point I no longer trust you or like you.” Said with a calm, gently voice, this is as kindly as I could express myself and still remain true.

    Now when you say the above, she may re-consider her behaviors and maybe try to make it up to you… and maybe over time she will and you will like her again…big maybe, but with the truth, at least she could behave better with the next person in her life and have a better life… as well as not hurt others.

    anita

    January 3, 2016 at 2:01 pm #91213
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita, thank you so much for the kind and good advice. You really helped me see clearer through my guilt. And you are right, I did try to sugarcoat her feelings when I said I still like her. I will see what happens between her and me in the future, but I’m glad I did what I did.

    Kindly, Sarah

    January 3, 2016 at 6:14 pm #91230
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    I like the principle of not protecting people from the natural consequences of their actions.
    And you are welcome! Post anytime.
    anita

    January 5, 2016 at 1:03 pm #91401
    inthebliss
    Participant

    I find myself in a kind of similar situation with the father of my son.
    It has been a really tough two years. I have kicked him out of our home. Three times. I should have only done it once but went back in the hopes of change. Change didn’t come.

    The most painful part for me is the complete lack of acknowledgment or responsibility for his behaviour.
    He always minimised his bad behaviour, silenced me, ignored me. He was very abusive emotionally, but twisted it all around and now I am being held up as ‘crazy’.

    His actions in the midst of the breakup and his nasty words have thank goodness made me realise I am doing the right thing.
    He talks a lot about how much his son means to him but is not providing and playing games about money, forgot to spend the day with his son in the same week he is accusing me of getting in the way of him and his son (which I do not do)

    I find myself in a position where I am being forced, I feel, to be really tough and firm.
    It’s scary because it feels wrong to be so…assertive.

    What I have realised is that he has taught me just how inassertive I have been and this is why it feels so uncomfortable and wrong now. But it is absolutely right to stand your ground and not let people like this walk all over you, neglect you, or abuse you.

    As they say, if you allow yourself to be disrespected, chances are you will be disrespected.

    He is seeing the consequences of his actions now, and of course, blaming me.

    I have been hellbent on getting him to see my point of view but I am only finding freedom in the realisation that I do not need to convince him or anyone related to him to know my personal truth.

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