Hi foofoobunny,

It sounds to me, like it was a co-dependent relationship. That you made him your life and the center of your universe. As women, we tend to have this tendency, and we lose our selves, and expect the man to be our only means of entertainment, support, validation, etc. This can be, like you said very racing to them, no man can live up to these expectations and they will soon bail. Like you said, a man, can’t be happy with you, until you are happy with yourself first, meaning, having your own interests, no drama, having friends, passions, goals, dreams, maybe volunteer work. Only then, when you are engaged in this, you will attract a healthy stable relationship. There is a great book, a best selling book. Has been out for a long time. Updated every year, it’s called “Co-dependent No More” by Melody Beattie. I hope it will help you, as it has helped me and others break free of this pattern.

Dear foofoobunny:

You are welcome.

I read your two recent posts and  re-read your original post. I have a few thoughts:

1. Regarding feelings, you wrote: “I get sad, angry, hurt and jealous… But I don’t want to feel that anymore… currently I’m fighting so hard to be happy for him… but I also can’t shake off feeling of hurt, sometimes bitterness and sadness…I want to let him go and be happy… Maybe in time I can truly be happy for him with no hard feelings”-

What we feel is not subject to our will and intent. We can’t feel something because we want to, fight to feel this or that, shake of a feeling and order a feeling as if it was an item on a menu in a restaurant.

Every feeling you have has a message  in it that needs your attention, and as long as the message is not attended to, the feeling will persist, or if gone for a while, it  will come back.

2. Regarding your belief that you are a  bad person. You wrote: “I believe  I am a very  toxic person… This breakup is actually good for me as it  serves as trigger for change and become a better person.” This core belief took hold early in your life, and that is why, is it not, that you had suicidal thoughts since you were a teen, “never had a purpose in life”?

You wrote: “I had  become this monster… I became easily agitated”- reads to me that you believe that feeling agitated, that is feeling angry, makes you a monster, a toxic person (what I referred to as a bad person).  But no, feeling  anything does  not  make us saints or a monsters, good  or bad.

3. Regarding what you mentioned but did not  elaborate on. You wrote: “I know the  whole thing was unhealthy to begin with“- the relationship with him was unhealthy to begin with, is that what you mean? How so?

anita