fbpx
Menu

Promiscuity, Cheating, Depression, Love

HomeForumsRelationshipsPromiscuity, Cheating, Depression, Love

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #65117
    Flower
    Participant

    Hi All,

    i am coming here to tell my story because i feel like no one else has ever been through the same thing so it would be nice if maybe someone come forward. also i cannot afford counselling, my family i have tried to talk to them about it but they dont understand. and my boyfriend who i love dearly can only be there for me so much because what i have done has hurt him so it doesnt seem fair he should be strong and support me while he is hurting.

    so this is what has happened. a year ago i met my boyfriend. at that time i was very promiscuous. i was sleeping around a lot. i moved countries to try to stop yet continued the behaviour once i arrived. i didnt sleep with my boyfriend the first time i met him, i kissed him though, however after our first meet i did sleep with 2 other people. we then met again at his cousins birthday, kissed again – i had never had such strong feelings for someone with just a kiss! his embrace made me feel like the most special person on the planet. after that we begun to date, we went for dinner but also continued to meet for crazy drunk nights. we slept together about a week in. i also slept with 1 person after we slept together, once when i was drunk. and kissed one other. we were officially bf an gf after around 6 weeks, 1 month after i had been unfaithful. i had been used so much that i was blind to the real thing. even he told me that he didnt want me to go with anyone else, but i had heard that line before and ignored it.
    i felt terrible on both. i also felt terrible on my past and did everything to cover it up, to show i had strong beleifs about sex being special – which i did but just never followed…. however often former flings would msg on fb and my bf would find out – i would try to cover it or say they were just friends.
    by january this year we were very happy we planned our future, wedding, buying a place. i live in europe and my family are in australia – we bought tickets to go and see them in december, and he was going to propose. for the first time in my life i was happy.
    then i got one of these msgs from a former fling, and i didnt tell him until the next day, which led to him asking when are these msging guys going to stop? how many are there – at which point he forced the “number” out.
    he couldnt handle the number and when he asked if there were any after our first kiss i lied and said no. then one day things were going better – he was dealing with the number but it plagued him sometimes – we were talking on the balcony and my eye was caught by a guy on the street and i stopped listening to him for a second. i knew wat i did was wrong – from here the fights blew up and all came out, the 2 guys in between, the kiss, and the guy after we were dating.
    he has stayed to keep trying… i love him so much and i am glad but it is very hard and here is why
    him staying is great but he is hurt. he and i also want that i forgive myself and heal from the promiscuity which as we have spoken about it was a form of self harm, addiction, power, looking for love, attention and depression, so something not easy to just deal and move on with. I was sexually assaulted when i was 11 and 12 – by someone my own age. it also stemmed from not having a family with strong values, a former boyfriend with a sex addiction, and my other ex who was crazy possessive – and he holds this against them. i tried to speak to my mum about it (who was also promiscuous and loves brushing things under the rug) but she says the only reason i am facing any of this is because he is making me and wants me to hate them. this is not true, at some point in my life i would have had to face my demons and start the healing process and still i would have to go to her and tell her i had some issues with her. i feel lucky and “saved” by my boyfriend, how long would i have continued to be self destructive without him?

    i also know its all my fault i chose to mistreat myself and abuse the act that should be sacred. i know that i have truly only made love to one person in my life and that is my current boyfriend.

    now we have gotten to today – for the time being i am not speaking with my family. i have not blocked them out i am just putting my relationship, my boyfriend and myself first.
    i am depressed, i hate myself. i am plagued by thoughts because i cant figure out why i would be so stupid to do what i was doing for so long, which was constantly looking for sex. i feel like self harming, i want to cry all the time, i dont want to be at work, i dont want to tell my friends about it. i spoke to some relatives – my uncle who is a recovered alcoholic and it helped but i still dont know how or where to start forgiving what i ahve done.

    and then there is my boyfriend, he can be happy and good for days and then all of a sudden msg and say i cant stop thinking that just 1 year ago u were sleeping with 3 people. or the number is so large i dont know if i can handle it. or i am afraid you will go back to that life, i am afraid you miss it. or what you did is disgusting how can i trust you to raise children, or people will talk about you and your behaviour when we have kids and they will get bullied (we live on a small island) and its so hard to be there for him and lift him up to see that we can be happy when i am sad and depressed. he says he doesnt know me as i put out a fake persona for a year (this is true but it is the persona of the person i wished i was all along) i know i will never go back to that life – even if he left me tomorrow i have come far enough that i can keep healing and not go back to what i was doing, but even i feel judged and awkward of people knwoing wat i did, i feel dead inside. i dont know who i really am. i was this fake happy person for so long i am now lost.

    i am nervous to go and see my family or even speak to them because they expect that person to come back 🙁
    i have realised lots over these past 2 tumultuous months, i have learned so much about spirituality and soul from my boyfriend in this last year i have known him. i know i have changed immensely in so many aspects of my life. but then i come back to the self-forgiveness and it all feels impossible. i keep comparing myself to EVERYONE knowing no one else acted like this. so why did i?
    i feel guilty cos not only have i hurt me and been hurt, i probably hurt some of these guys i went with 🙁
    its all a lot to do on my own. i want to lean on my boyfriend but he doesnt deserve it. to be honest i think he is too good for a dirty slut like me.

    #65150
    Flower
    Participant

    he continues to tell me that his ex messaged just after we started dating and he wonders to himself if i hadnt tricked him he could have tried again with her… I want to die.

    #65251
    Sim
    Participant

    Hey I don’t know where to begin. I wish I could just give you a hug and tell you to stop beating yourself up. Would you be this harsh and hateful to a friend who was in the same position? Yes there are things in your past which you regret (we have all done things that we wish we hadn’t) I’m not saying anything about it being right OR WRONG but you feeling this awful and punishing yourself endlessly will not help you to move forward. Your boyfriend seems to have had a positive impact on you in the sense that you feel you can continue healing and that is something that you have chosen to do to help yourself which is brave and tough yet you are willing to let this happen.

    Please don’t start to self harm, I know it might feel like you’ve reached a point where this seems like it will help but it really doesn’t and you don’t need another thing to feel guilty about. If you’re feeling extreme then go and have a ICE COLD SHOWER. I haven’t been in the situation that you are with your relationship but you are being honest and open with him, you can not control how other people react or the actions that they will take. I think one of the hardest things is accepting that things may not always turn out how we’de expected them too, sometimes life just unravels in a random manner and we can’t make sense of it, its very difficult.

    You do sound very depressed and therefore it is extremely important that you are kind to yourself (I know this is so hard, I have struggled too). Don’t put pressure on yourself to be a certain way or do things that are not good for you to please others, once you are feeling better you will be in a much better place to organize how you can go forward in your life. Please find a good friend or your uncle and consider seeing a doctor, just so they know how you are feeling, you have written about some sad experiences and the impact they have had on your life (I was also sexually assaulted, I’m still in the process of healing) and can greatly empathise with you. You CAN get support if this is what you want (are there rape/sexual assault services in your area?/via the doctor) and I really hope you manage to find a good counsellor who can help you work through the process.

    Please if you take one thing away then at least let someone (good) know about how you feel who can help you to get some help. We all go through dark phases and its harder to get out for some of us than it is others. its nothing to feel bad for, You are special whether you believe it or not and YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY just as much as anyone else. I really hope you will find the strength within to come past the troubles you are going through. Our past however good or bad we percieve is GONE and it CAN NOT stop us from BECOMING who we want to be or taking any actions to accept ourselves.

    sending you lots of love. Sim

    #65345
    Flower
    Participant

    Hi,

    Thank you for your kind and wonderful words.
    things have moved along a little bit since last week. i have opended up more. have started a diary so that when the feelings get to much i can put them on paper (or screen) and they unjumble themselves so its not so overwelming.
    i hate it when he wants to talk about it… i get sick in the stomach and want to vomit. i hate seeing pics of myself from back in the bad times. im still not comfortable to look in the mirror and i still havnt found that self love.
    but i dont want to hurt myself anymore.
    im trying to realise this is a slow process and im not going to reach ultimate forgiveness for some time.
    im just trying to live in the present and stay positive.
    i still wish i had someone to speak to that had been in the same place i was. but then again maybe i need to focus on me. i contunually compare myself to others, especially people i used to party with – they partied as much as me but they werent promiscuous, why couldnt i have been more like them.
    my boyfriend tells me always how beautiful i am but i just see a used up slut.
    hopefully unraveling will stop soon and we can start the slow process of winding back up

    #83589
    randomgirl
    Participant

    I have similar experience and feeling exactly the same way as you do. Reply here if you saw this and we could find a way to talk. Your post is one year ago, I wonder how are you doing now. I am experiencing it now, I have a wonderful boyfriend but is very afraid to have sex because of my past. Hoping to hear from you, your depressed friend.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by randomgirl.
    #83591
    jock
    Participant

    You need to start again from scratch somewhere in a completely different scenario. You need to really work hard on self-forgiveness. Make it a priority. When you wake up in the morning, the first thing you say to yourself. “I”m OK.I accept and approve of myself.”
    No physically intimate relationships for a year.(my opinion)
    Create a new daily pattern of good habits and some self-discipline. No need to become regimented. Be gentle with yourself. Realise that you are not the only one who has f****ed up in life. All of us have in different ways. Just we are either hiding it or are in denial.
    Renewal and transformation are possible in religions such as Christianity and Buddhism I believe. These may be good options to consider.

    I am trying to love and approve of myself and have some self-discipline in daily life. But there are bad days when I slip back. I try not to beat myself up. We are all struggling like you, to find true happiness. And that starts by truly forgiving yourself for past mistakes. Good on you for coming clean on this forum anyway. That should help.
    Good luck.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by jock.
    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by jock.
    #83625
    randomgirl
    Participant

    Thank you Jack. Your words are very consoling. Similarly with Flower I also met my current boyfriend at the end of my bad period but very near. Now I am reading spiritual books from Christianity and Buddhism (started two weeks ago). My current boyfriend supported me through my one year emotional turmoil although it was hard on him too. Moving on, he wants us and the physical intimacy as a couple. But the problem is I couldn’t have the break.

    • This reply was modified 9 years, 3 months ago by randomgirl.
    #83636
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear randomgirl:

    This may be your thread now (or ours) since Flower’s last post was almost a year ago (Flower- if you are reading, please post…) Would you like to share more of your story, randomgirl? “But the problem is I couldn’t have the break”- what do you mean?

    anita

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.