Kate,

I like the way you’re struggling with giving love wisely. On one hand, there is acceptance of others, where we place no need or requirement on them, and simply love what is. On the other, we are not selfless, and their actions hurt us, driving us away. Somewhere in the mix and mess, we look for a way to find the balance between honesty and respect. After all, we don’t want to punch them, but our hearts are aching.

This is something of a struggle for all of us, and for me, especially with my children. I asked my teacher a similar question to yours, “how do we accept others and honor our inner wisdom, such as when we are asked for something we feel it is unwise to give them. Do we accept their need and give them what they ask for, or do we reject their need and give them what we think is best?”

He told me a story about a “sugar sandwich”. Sometimes people ask for things that are not nourishing. For example, if my son was hungry, he might ask me for a sugar sandwich, because it is sweet and he doesn’t know better. However, as an adult, and parent, it is not right for me to give that to him because it isn’t nourishing. Therefore, my acceptance doesn’t motivate me to fulfill his desire. He needs nourishment, and desires sweets. I accept both, he needs the nourishment and desires the sweet, and then i am free to do what my heart says is the best thing for him. He might throw a temper tantrum or whatnot, but still, that is accepted as part of his craving for sweets going unmet.

To bring it back to your situation, perhaps pretending everything is OK is the sugar sandwich. It feels like it will be painful and hurtful to say what you feel to your mom, but perhaps that will be something nourishing. If you can accept the desire for kind exchange, but the truth of the harmony, then maybe you can see the need. Said differently, perhaps your mom’s words inspire a heartfelt response that is painful, after all, her words are hurting you. If you consistently speak your mind and heart to her instead of suppression, perhaps she will come to understand how her actions affect others.

Also, consider reading Melody Beattie’s book “Codependent No More”. Some of what you said reminds me of codependency, where other people have to change in order for us to feel peaceful. Its at least worth a look, because inner peace is available to us independently of others actions.

With warmth,
Matt

Kate,

You’re welcome! Consider that during difficult conversations it can be important to remain centered on our side. “I think… I feel… I want… I see… “. Rather than “you do this… you make me… you are… ” etc.

Good luck and great courage to you!

With warmth,
Matt