Melissa,

I respect you for the courage to look directly at your thoughts and emotions! Its glad to hear you’re exploring therapy, it can be really effective. Sometimes it can be difficult for someone with a powerful mind to “do nothing” and let go. It reminds me of a pair of rocket boots with an “on” switch but no “off” switch. We turn them on and woooosh.

The trick is to step away from the on switch, and learn to calm down when the boots are whooshing us. Said differently, when we think about certain things, they trigger emotions. Once the emotions are on, they have to run their course… they are chemicals in the body which we cannot suppress, and our attempt to suppress only adds pressure. What is even more tricky is that the emotions will inspire thoughts associated with the emotion from our past.

For instance, if when we were young we were deeply afraid of clowns, as adults sometimes when we become fearful of not paying the rent on time, our brain will pop with a vision of a clown.

Counting breath meditation is a great way to develop some concentration within the mind. YouTube has a series by Ajahn Jayasaro which describes the process. As the mind gains skill in being able to direct our awareness consciously, thoughts don’t drive us, they blossom in a spaciousness. From there, we can do anything with them we want.

One of my teachers described it as such: Imagine the painful thoughts and emotions like a startled mare in a barn. If we walk up to the mare and try to settle her down, she kicks us, bites us and we join her in the panic. Instead, we remove the walls of the barn, and the mare settles quite naturally. Said differently, we don’t step into the thoughts or emotions and attempt to direct them, we open up the space around them with our awareness. Then the thoughts and emotions settle on their own.

Meditation is something I find to be very nurturing. If that’s not your thing, perhaps a bath or a walk in nature (especially barefoot). While you walk, bathe or whatnot, ask yourself “what is around me? What colors do I see? What sounds do I hear? How does THIS moment actually feel?” Your body will catch up to your surroundings, and the mare will settle, the body calms, and the mind opens.

With warmth,
Matt