Kerry,

I’m sorry for your suffering, and can understand why it may seem the present is so dissatisfying. From your description, it seems like you don’t enjoy yourself very much, such as “needing to change” or “I’m such a…” and so forth. So, instead of settling into the present and feeling “I am a flower, slowing unfolding its petals as the sun and rain come and go”, it becomes “jeeze, I keep screwing up over and over.” A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Consider that perhaps you’re stuck in a loop. Imagine for a moment that your house is very messy. Every time you come home, you see the mess, feel ashamed for it, and try to ignore it to feel happy again. However, it takes a lot of strength, energy, to push away all the mess from your mind. Then, when you meditate, you recapture that strength, root it back into the moment, and all the mess becomes visible again. So, why in the world would you want to meditate… it makes everything look messy!

The solution to the loop is twofold. First, there is no shame in making mistakes, dear friend. Almost all of us have messy houses in one way or another. We are still good people, we still dance and sing with love out in the world. The messy closets are normal, usual, and we work to accept them as is. Not to say that we just “ignore” or continue on like it doesn’t matter, because of course it does. Rather, we accept that we have a messy house, that we want a cleaner one, and will sort and settle our mess over time. Said differently, just because your life has become something you feel ashamed of doesn’t mean there is actually anything wrong with you or your life. It just means you desire something different, which is fine. Its not “wrong”, its only what it is… a set of conditions: a hand me down from our ancestors meeting with our own unique choices and perceptions.

Second, and this is where the magic happens, we can pull our view back to wishing ourselves and others happiness, and rest in that intention. Yes, there is mess, but we wish to be happy. Yes, other people have a mess, but we wish them to be happy. Consider starting a metta meditation practice, which helps this intention become well rooted. Said differently, when we have acceptance of where we are, we bolster the light and warmth within us, which is what turns our “mess of this and that” into an adventure of self discovery. Otherwise, its a pile of garbage, a task we have to do, an ickiness we have to remove before we can be happy. Unnecessary! Its possible to be content, peaceful, and inquisitive as we do our sorting, settling and growing. Consider searching YouTube for “Sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” if interested. Were I in your shoes, I would even set aside the mindfulness meditation for a few weeks and switch exclusively to metta practice. This will give a warm, smooth base for your mindful practice to grow from.

Finally, don’t forget to play. This “last three years” stuff packs a whollop! Growing a momentum that will help settle all of that isn’t about continuous effort in sorting, its about finding the balance between hard work and joy. Someone said that if you love what you do, you’ll never work a day in your life. Rephrased, if we grow warm through a metta practice, our dance of growth carries joy with it the whole time as we curiously sort out our pile and let it go. Namaste.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Kerry,

To go back to your original question. You seem to have a fundamental misunderstanding in what meditation/present actually is, which I think is your problem. The ‘present’ circumstances that you speak of are not your present circumstances when you are meditating. When you are meditating your present cicumstance is that you are meditating. The fact that you are having negative feelings come up are evdence that you are not yet meditating because all feelings start with a thought, therefore if you have a negative feeling then it means you have thought about something negative. When meditating, your focus is exclusively on the meditation subject (e.g. breath), which isn’t negative so cannot make you feel that way. As you become more focused during meditation then even if negative thoughts do arise, you are able to just let them pass by so they have no effect on you anymore.

Once you become truly present in meditation then all thoughts just drop away and you experience the bliss of being present, something most people will probably never experience (or at least knowingly). I’m talking from experience here. After your meditation pratice you can then maintain this mind state somewhat in you daily life (i.e. mindfulness) which enables you to stay present and let go of any unwholesome thoughts that arise, therefore enabling you to slowly become more at peace and happier. This takes pracice by the way, I am still at the early stages of developing mindfulness, often I lose it farily quickly, but I know that with consistent effort and practice I will maintain this mindfulness more and more and therefore my inner peace and happiness.

“How do I train my mind to move away from feeling so unsettled with the present circumstances?” Very simple: Keep your thoughts wholesome (note, simple, not easy). And meditation- because it trains the mind so it has the strength to let go of unwholesome thoughts and focus on positive ones. This is the answer from my experience so far.

I reccommend reading Meditations on the Buddhist Path by Ayya Khema. I think it may help you.

All the best,

Ben.