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Post-breakup re-grieving

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  • #95062
    B
    Participant

    This was me: http://dev.tinybuddha.com/topic/an-indefinite-break/
    Not a necessary read. Some background: My boyfriend of just over a year broke up with me 2 months ago. We had broken up after 8 months (he said he needed to be single/find himself/whatever since he has always been in a relationship since middle school and his last one was 7 years total) and lasted 2 weeks before wanting to get back together. He was very recently divorced when we started hanging out often which led to dating seriously (he was 2-3 months separated, his wife of 2 years wanted the divorce.)

    We get back together, things are great for a few short months before he starts withdrawing off and on again. So two months ago he broke up with me again for the same reason. We met up to talk a month later where he was really happy to see me (though I thought we agreed originally to meet after a month so it was my idea to get together to talk) and he ended up crying more than I did both then and when we had broken up… I coped pretty well within the first 4-5 weeks. By now I have been doing fantastic. I had a lot of stress and anxiety in that relationship and while I regret none of it, I am SO much happier now and very content being single at the moment and just worrying about myself. I have a lot of great things going on for me in my life and I was much better having not checked any of his social media in the last month.

    We’re in the same community and know most of the same people so our status is something that spreads somewhat quickly, at least by absence in pictures and events attended. So I happened to run into him for the first time at an appointment yesterday which went ok. I have actually developed minor feelings for another guy lately which has really helped take my mind off of things and helped me realize that my ex is not the only guy out there for me. When my ex and I saw each other again he hugged me and asked all sorts of questions about what I was up to and how I was doing, which I didn’t really feel like answering but did out of politeness. I wasn’t angry or upset with him, but very apathetic. The week before I had run into my crush at another appointment and was just wishing it were my crush instead of my ex the whole time he was there… I even sort of ignored him (not forced) since I was focused on my appointment. When he left he gave me another hug and said goodbye.

    So today he texted me in the afternoon while I was at work asking if we could chat a little bit, but at the end of the day, and by phone. I was very curious but really dreaded it and I couldn’t concentrate at work. I jumped to the worst conclusions: either he was going to tell me he was dating someone (I knew that was something he would do if it were to happen) or he wanted to get back together. Both made me very uncomfortable. I really don’t want to get back with him and am happy and excited about my future and the potential to date others as well, but I felt really bad about not feeling the same towards him. I started googling “don’t want to get back together with ex” to see if anyone else had been in my position, but found nothing… I didn’t actually think he’d be dating someone yet, after all he had told me, so I assumed he was starting to cave again and missed me.

    Well he called, said it was nice to see me the other day. And that he was dating someone. He said it wasn’t serious yet, that they had been hanging out for about 3 weeks now and he just wanted to see where it would go. I am of course hurt, and a little disgusted. He can do what he wants with his life, but I can’t help it let me feel like I meant less to him than I originally thought. He moves on quickly and falls for people fast (me not excluded) which I pointed out to him and he agreed. But I don’t think he realized how ridiculous this is. Part of me gets it– I am young and inexperienced and wanted more from him than he could give right now and his new experience is still light hearted and fun and with little expectations.

    I could tell by the end of our conversation he was crying again. I was just offended and sad but I tried to be cordial. I know the lady he is now seeing, and think it’s an odd match, but who knows. She is his senior by 11 years. He mentioned her being in a different place from me (he often brought up how we were in different places and that the timing was poor when things started to become strained). He’s 30 and I’m 25.. But so much for living his life not being in a relationship. The poor guy is messed up. I am a little hypocritical in that I want him to miss me while I explore my options with this crush or others… but I am also not the one who broke up with him twice and strung him along for months :/

    Well, sorry, I don’t really have a point with all this. I just needed to vent! I know my life is good and I’m going to be happy again but this crushed me today. I was doing so well so I guess the feelings were overdue. I kinda wish he didn’t tell me, but I guess it probably is a teensy tiny bit better coming from him first.

    #95063
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    The indefinite break is definite then… Good venting! Glad you are excited (other than this temporary distress). Vent anytime, I hope he doesn’t tell you anything anymore about his new relationship/s – maybe tell him to spare you of any more information!

    anita

    #95650
    Wisejo
    Participant

    He could use counseling sounds emotionally immature & in a lot of pain

    Peace

    #95851
    B
    Participant

    He already had been going to counseling (and I really hope he still is) and was advised that he needed to work out his issues in rediscovering his identity on his own. Who knows what’s going on with him.

    Also, my therapist told me something I’m afraid may have been detrimental to my healing a few days ago and I wonder what others think (about what she said or whether she should be saying things like this):

    I had texted her after this all happened and she told me a few days later that she thought his call was a last ditch effort to get back together and that he loves me but feels I will never love him as he is. That she could be wrong but was offering a thought that came to her. I of course don’t think that’s the case, though when I saw him in person I did mention I was going on vacation to a foreign city that we had both talked about going to together a few months ago, but with another guy (he’s just a friend and no one else wanted to come.) Maybe he did feel a little jealous about it, or thought I was ok enough that he could tell me something I probably wasn’t really ready to hear…

    I was doing great before I found out. I’m still doing fine, though I had several bouts of emotional breakdowns at the end of the day/first thing in the morning when I was alone. A few days later I was doing fine again. I didn’t realize it but I think I was using my crush on a guy I see often as an emotional crutch to move on. Crushes have always been exciting to me and I grew up always having one and enjoying living in my fantasies. It also gave me hope but as I’m very familiar by now, I get a little too emotionally involved after a while.

    Both myself and (I’m fairly certain) the guy are very shy when it comes to someone we like but I am pretty sure I can tell that he likes me back. I’ve learned that my gut instincts have been incredibly accurate after doubting myself all these years. Unfortunately I just learned that he is applying for a PhD program a few states away, so I guess pursuing him is pointless… but it has also made me miss my ex again and now sad about this crush. I wish I were less shy and had the guts to tell someone how I feel instead of always getting too scared and then later regretting not doing anything. Maybe he doesn’t end up leaving and I miss my chance?

    I’m not terribly lonely, but I really just miss… something. I don’t know what it is. Attention? Obviously love and affection as well… Trying to get to the bottom of this. I want to be carefree and excited again! I don’t like how I feel when wrapped up about someone else 😛

    #95863
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    You mentioned your therapist. How long have you been seeing this therapist? And therapy otherwise?

    I am wondering if you discussed your relationship with your mother in your current therapy?

    anita

    #95870
    B
    Participant

    I have been seeing her for I’m guessing 5-6 months now? I can’t recall at the moment… Before her I was seeing another therapist for 2 months or so but I felt she wasn’t getting anywhere or giving me much to think about.

    I have begun to talk to her about my mom. I came to a lot of breakthrough realizations recently, but without anyone’s direct assistance. Though I’m sure the therapy definitely helped me become more aware and open to these realizations. My mom was abused as a child and is very controlling and very unstable in her moods. She always blames it on hormones now (she’s had her thyroid removed) but she’s definitely always been a little unpredictable. She’s always a victim and blames other people and things easily. She thinks all of her behaviors are just the way she is, and nothing will change. She’s gotten much better, actually, at growing a little, but is still stubborn. She can be very sweet, loving, generous, and then suddenly she explodes.

    Often, it’s because something I or my dad do (or don’t do) is irritating. I can see her every weekend and talk to her every day like I have been recently, but if she’s in a bad mood and I am too busy to talk to her when with friends, she will tell me I am a mean daughter, that I’m pushing her away and don’t love her and that she is crying and doesn’t want to talk to me and holds a grudge for a day or two, making sure I hurt too. A few times after breakups and I’m spending time at her house but am sad, she gets mad that I only come to her when I need her. She sometimes gives me the silent treatment. One time when I hit rock bottom emotionally after breaking up with my first boyfriend she told me on the phone that she didn’t want to talk anymore because I was making her depressed. I had no one else to talk to. She hasn’t done anything like that since, but I still remember it.

    I haven’t seen my therapist in a while because I was doing great, but see her again next week thankfully. However, last time I brought up the frustration with my mom guilt tripping me and resenting me for not staying in touch all the time, I was trying to ask my therapist what I should do or how should I talk to my mom to not hurt her feelings but explain that I needed space. She didn’t give me any concrete advice but told me an anecdote about a coworker who had to sleep in a car with his wife one weekend. When she asked him why they did that, his answer was “in-laws”. So her point was that basically I’m stuck with her 😐

    I still love my mom but I’m beginning to discover how inconsistent her closeness has been. I still haven’t figured out what that means for the rest of my intimate relationships.

    #95871
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I don’t like your therapist’s reaction to you telling her about your mother guilt tripping you.

    Growing up with this kind of a mother is damaging to a child. I know it because I lived it. Very damaging. When she is always a victim, this means that in your relationship with her, B is always guilty and she is always innocent. What a tough role in your relationship as a forming child and with the person …forming you, the most important person in a child’s life, your own mother. So anything you do- or not do- can trigger her to explode with blaming you, claiming that what you did, or what you didn’t do was aimed at hurting her?

    So, did you walk on egg shells as a child? Were you scared of the next time she explodes? .. Did you worry whenever you said something that it may trigger her? How did you adjust to living with an unstable, explosive, eternal victim type mother?

    This is by the way relevant to your intimate relationships with men and much, much more, I strongly believe!

    anita

    #95882
    B
    Participant

    Thanks anita for still listening and providing really good questions..

    I was scared of when she would explode, but I also knew that she’d just get over it again and be sweet and that the pattern would continue. I still worry about what I do or say triggering something, though I care a little less now because I know she’s just “acting out”. Then later she will apologize because she was feeling anxious and/or depressed, which unfortunately she is suffering from a lot because of her hormones not being at a good level. Funny enough, she tells me often that she’s afraid of setting ME off and that she has to walk around eggshells with me… When I react to her (which I do, we can both be hot headed) she thinks I’m very upset and offended– projecting her typical reactions onto me. I hardly ever am– I’m usually just irritated and defending myself. I don’t get very emotional with most of our fights but I always feel the need to defend myself unlike my dad who gets walked over by her. So she and I go head to head very often. These days I am afraid if I don’t keep up with all of her questions about what my plans are, how my day is, when is she seeing me this weekend she will blow up again and I will have 1 less person to support me when I need it. She gets mad or sad when she can’t see me every weekend now, until she actually has plans and then dropping me is easy for her.

    I always thought this was normal for a mom until a year or so ago…

    #95893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    Yes, we think such things are normal because this is all we know. As babies and young children we don’t get to experience anything different than what we do, nothing to compare it with (except maybe glimpses into other homes in real life or on TV).

    We just adjust to what is our personal reality.

    Your responses in the present to your mother, that is being only irritated and not getting very emotional, this is your responses now. But as a child I believe you were much more emotionally affected, hurt, scared, confused, angry.. emotional. And over the years you adjusted the best you can… but not without a price, a heavy price.

    It is not possible- not possible- to grow up with a mother like that and not be greatly affected.

    How were you affected as far as your life outside the relationship with her?

    anita

    #95908
    B
    Participant

    I’m not sure where the line is between own personality and her influence, but I grew up terribly shy as a child. Once comfortable and confident with friends I could be a leader or a follower, but I moved every year or two because my dad would get a new job or change professions. We settled at the end of elementary school so before that I always had to make new friends. I never made friends that I really clicked with in middle/high school, though, but I was perfectly content staying home playing MMOs with online friends. In college it took me a year to find my close group of people.

    Romantically, I always had crushes but grew up awkward, got chubby all of a sudden after 2nd grade, had acne in high school, etc. Until college I was too terrified for anyone to know I liked them lest there be a chance they didn’t like me back. That was one of the biggest humiliations I could imagine. I’m only moderately better in that area now and have tremendously grown my confidence, but some areas lack behind. My first relationship (right after college) was with someone I didn’t think I ever had feelings for but wanted the experience. It lasted 6 months before I realized I was settling and we were too different.

    A few months later, a guy I found very physically attractive at the gym who I had a crush on asked me on a date– something I had fantasized about since middle school. I knew that now that I had lost weight, got extremely active (I’m a distance runner), and became more confident that people actually found me attractive, but subconsciously I’m still that ugly duckling and can’t really believe it when someone finds me attractive. We started dating and after the first week I was just obsessed with figuring out if we were on the right track to a relationship. I didn’t want to screw anything up and was terrified of being abandoned. Like extreme anxiety. I lost my mind and thought I was crazy!

    I had never been so emotionally unstable before. I don’t know if I actually came across that way when we were together, but 2 months into it after he came on very strong he suddenly disappeared (I think another girl was in the picture). The same exact time that happened was when I met my most recent ex, the one who was recently divorced. We both got to know each other first when I told him about the guy and he opened up about his pending divorce, and grew connected from there. My anxiety persisted into this relationship, often being afraid of being abandoned unreasonably, or having texts go unanswered (they never did). He demonstrated lots of patience, love, and reassurance and was a good partner to help me heal for the first 4-6 months, before he started pulling away and wanting more time to himself, which triggered the anxiety again.

    Even now, thinking about if things with my new crush or someone else got serious, I am terrified of feeling that way again. I hate that I became a little depressed the night I found out he was going to be moving even though we’ve only had 2 conversations. I am so much happier and secure when I am not concerned about whether I love someone more than they love me back…

    As for friendships, I have been in the city I am now (where I was originally from) for 2 1/2 years after graduating in another big city. It wasn’t until the last 6-8 months that I really feel like I’ve made close friends and I am so, so much happier now. It also helps that I have a good roommate with a dog so I never feel lonely at home. A year ago I was on forums like these asking if I’d ever make close friends because I felt so lonely when my ex wanted to spend time with his, since he stayed in the town he went to college in and has years of close friendships.

    Sorry for writing about myself so much… sometimes I am also afraid of being a narcissist with how much I like introspection and talking about me!

    #95925
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    You expressed concern about writing too much about yourself but that is okay with me, the more you write the better it is for me because I get a chance to learn about you. The more I learn about others, the more I learn about myself and people. We have so much in common, humans that is. So please write anytime, as much as you’d like.

    It seems to me that you will need to pay attention to your anxiety in the context of relationships, forming those and maintaining them. Your relationship with your mother was often painful, she withdraw from you unexpectedly, blamed you for what you were not guilty of. These do not make for a solid, secure relationship foundation. Also watch for men who may manipulate you through guilt, like she did. It may be something you are vulnerable to..maybe. Or maybe it is something you detect easily and stay away from. Learning how you were affected in your childhood by the disturbing relationship with your disturbed mother will help… a lot!

    One more thing, you wrote earlier that your therapist suggested that you are (now) stuck with your mother. This is not true. Your therapist is wrong to suggest that: you were stuck with your mother when you were a child, not anymore. You do have the legal and moral (!) right to have absolutely no contact with your mother, not ever. This is doable and has been done. Not the social convention but possible and as far as I am concerned perfectly fine. I have done it eventually, three years ago and wish I did it decades earlier than I did.

    Write anytime and as much as you would like.

    anita

    #96028
    B
    Participant

    Thanks anita! And I agree with you that I am not stuck with her. I read before about how you (and others) have let those who are hurtful in your life go, even if they are close family. I am not ready for that nor do I see myself doing that, but I do believe in tightening up a ton of boundaries. But it is hard. I am trying my best to be kind and inclusive to my mother, but I can never do right. No amount of rights make up for any “wrong” I do for her. I can not simply live my life and grow into an independent adult without “hurting” her somehow or being “selfish”. If that is what I must be to establish healthy boundaries, so be it.

    Unfortunately one of us would have to move for a healthier physical distance to occur, but I see that happening for neither of us… But I think so far it has been very helpful for me personally to realize that what she does is unhealthy, so I can begin drawing those very important lines..

    #96031
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear B:

    I am well aware of the very strong attachment of a child to the mother, any child… to any mother. It is biologically so, in our genes to form that attachment, just like animals do. This attachment, this emotion of attachment to one’s mother is the same emotion that motivates a fawn to follow its mother into the woods, wherever she goes, the fawn follows.

    Problem is when the mother leading the child is not leading the child to a good place as in your case. Your mother is leading you away from becoming the independent adult you need to be. She is leading and has been leading you into anxiety and mental un- wellness.

    Most adult children will continue to follow the mother, literally, figuratively or both, no matter where she leads because the biological attachment is so strong.

    Take care of yourself the best you can. Your goal is to be well and to become the independent, healhty person you need to be. So whatever it takes!

    Please do post again, anytime!

    anita

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