He already had been going to counseling (and I really hope he still is) and was advised that he needed to work out his issues in rediscovering his identity on his own. Who knows what’s going on with him.

Also, my therapist told me something I’m afraid may have been detrimental to my healing a few days ago and I wonder what others think (about what she said or whether she should be saying things like this):

I had texted her after this all happened and she told me a few days later that she thought his call was a last ditch effort to get back together and that he loves me but feels I will never love him as he is. That she could be wrong but was offering a thought that came to her. I of course don’t think that’s the case, though when I saw him in person I did mention I was going on vacation to a foreign city that we had both talked about going to together a few months ago, but with another guy (he’s just a friend and no one else wanted to come.) Maybe he did feel a little jealous about it, or thought I was ok enough that he could tell me something I probably wasn’t really ready to hear…

I was doing great before I found out. I’m still doing fine, though I had several bouts of emotional breakdowns at the end of the day/first thing in the morning when I was alone. A few days later I was doing fine again. I didn’t realize it but I think I was using my crush on a guy I see often as an emotional crutch to move on. Crushes have always been exciting to me and I grew up always having one and enjoying living in my fantasies. It also gave me hope but as I’m very familiar by now, I get a little too emotionally involved after a while.

Both myself and (I’m fairly certain) the guy are very shy when it comes to someone we like but I am pretty sure I can tell that he likes me back. I’ve learned that my gut instincts have been incredibly accurate after doubting myself all these years. Unfortunately I just learned that he is applying for a PhD program a few states away, so I guess pursuing him is pointless… but it has also made me miss my ex again and now sad about this crush. I wish I were less shy and had the guts to tell someone how I feel instead of always getting too scared and then later regretting not doing anything. Maybe he doesn’t end up leaving and I miss my chance?

I’m not terribly lonely, but I really just miss… something. I don’t know what it is. Attention? Obviously love and affection as well… Trying to get to the bottom of this. I want to be carefree and excited again! I don’t like how I feel when wrapped up about someone else 😛

I have been seeing her for I’m guessing 5-6 months now? I can’t recall at the moment… Before her I was seeing another therapist for 2 months or so but I felt she wasn’t getting anywhere or giving me much to think about.

I have begun to talk to her about my mom. I came to a lot of breakthrough realizations recently, but without anyone’s direct assistance. Though I’m sure the therapy definitely helped me become more aware and open to these realizations. My mom was abused as a child and is very controlling and very unstable in her moods. She always blames it on hormones now (she’s had her thyroid removed) but she’s definitely always been a little unpredictable. She’s always a victim and blames other people and things easily. She thinks all of her behaviors are just the way she is, and nothing will change. She’s gotten much better, actually, at growing a little, but is still stubborn. She can be very sweet, loving, generous, and then suddenly she explodes.

Often, it’s because something I or my dad do (or don’t do) is irritating. I can see her every weekend and talk to her every day like I have been recently, but if she’s in a bad mood and I am too busy to talk to her when with friends, she will tell me I am a mean daughter, that I’m pushing her away and don’t love her and that she is crying and doesn’t want to talk to me and holds a grudge for a day or two, making sure I hurt too. A few times after breakups and I’m spending time at her house but am sad, she gets mad that I only come to her when I need her. She sometimes gives me the silent treatment. One time when I hit rock bottom emotionally after breaking up with my first boyfriend she told me on the phone that she didn’t want to talk anymore because I was making her depressed. I had no one else to talk to. She hasn’t done anything like that since, but I still remember it.

I haven’t seen my therapist in a while because I was doing great, but see her again next week thankfully. However, last time I brought up the frustration with my mom guilt tripping me and resenting me for not staying in touch all the time, I was trying to ask my therapist what I should do or how should I talk to my mom to not hurt her feelings but explain that I needed space. She didn’t give me any concrete advice but told me an anecdote about a coworker who had to sleep in a car with his wife one weekend. When she asked him why they did that, his answer was “in-laws”. So her point was that basically I’m stuck with her 😐

I still love my mom but I’m beginning to discover how inconsistent her closeness has been. I still haven’t figured out what that means for the rest of my intimate relationships.

Thanks anita for still listening and providing really good questions..

I was scared of when she would explode, but I also knew that she’d just get over it again and be sweet and that the pattern would continue. I still worry about what I do or say triggering something, though I care a little less now because I know she’s just “acting out”. Then later she will apologize because she was feeling anxious and/or depressed, which unfortunately she is suffering from a lot because of her hormones not being at a good level. Funny enough, she tells me often that she’s afraid of setting ME off and that she has to walk around eggshells with me… When I react to her (which I do, we can both be hot headed) she thinks I’m very upset and offended– projecting her typical reactions onto me. I hardly ever am– I’m usually just irritated and defending myself. I don’t get very emotional with most of our fights but I always feel the need to defend myself unlike my dad who gets walked over by her. So she and I go head to head very often. These days I am afraid if I don’t keep up with all of her questions about what my plans are, how my day is, when is she seeing me this weekend she will blow up again and I will have 1 less person to support me when I need it. She gets mad or sad when she can’t see me every weekend now, until she actually has plans and then dropping me is easy for her.

I always thought this was normal for a mom until a year or so ago…

I’m not sure where the line is between own personality and her influence, but I grew up terribly shy as a child. Once comfortable and confident with friends I could be a leader or a follower, but I moved every year or two because my dad would get a new job or change professions. We settled at the end of elementary school so before that I always had to make new friends. I never made friends that I really clicked with in middle/high school, though, but I was perfectly content staying home playing MMOs with online friends. In college it took me a year to find my close group of people.

Romantically, I always had crushes but grew up awkward, got chubby all of a sudden after 2nd grade, had acne in high school, etc. Until college I was too terrified for anyone to know I liked them lest there be a chance they didn’t like me back. That was one of the biggest humiliations I could imagine. I’m only moderately better in that area now and have tremendously grown my confidence, but some areas lack behind. My first relationship (right after college) was with someone I didn’t think I ever had feelings for but wanted the experience. It lasted 6 months before I realized I was settling and we were too different.

A few months later, a guy I found very physically attractive at the gym who I had a crush on asked me on a date– something I had fantasized about since middle school. I knew that now that I had lost weight, got extremely active (I’m a distance runner), and became more confident that people actually found me attractive, but subconsciously I’m still that ugly duckling and can’t really believe it when someone finds me attractive. We started dating and after the first week I was just obsessed with figuring out if we were on the right track to a relationship. I didn’t want to screw anything up and was terrified of being abandoned. Like extreme anxiety. I lost my mind and thought I was crazy!

I had never been so emotionally unstable before. I don’t know if I actually came across that way when we were together, but 2 months into it after he came on very strong he suddenly disappeared (I think another girl was in the picture). The same exact time that happened was when I met my most recent ex, the one who was recently divorced. We both got to know each other first when I told him about the guy and he opened up about his pending divorce, and grew connected from there. My anxiety persisted into this relationship, often being afraid of being abandoned unreasonably, or having texts go unanswered (they never did). He demonstrated lots of patience, love, and reassurance and was a good partner to help me heal for the first 4-6 months, before he started pulling away and wanting more time to himself, which triggered the anxiety again.

Even now, thinking about if things with my new crush or someone else got serious, I am terrified of feeling that way again. I hate that I became a little depressed the night I found out he was going to be moving even though we’ve only had 2 conversations. I am so much happier and secure when I am not concerned about whether I love someone more than they love me back…

As for friendships, I have been in the city I am now (where I was originally from) for 2 1/2 years after graduating in another big city. It wasn’t until the last 6-8 months that I really feel like I’ve made close friends and I am so, so much happier now. It also helps that I have a good roommate with a dog so I never feel lonely at home. A year ago I was on forums like these asking if I’d ever make close friends because I felt so lonely when my ex wanted to spend time with his, since he stayed in the town he went to college in and has years of close friendships.

Sorry for writing about myself so much… sometimes I am also afraid of being a narcissist with how much I like introspection and talking about me!

Thanks anita! And I agree with you that I am not stuck with her. I read before about how you (and others) have let those who are hurtful in your life go, even if they are close family. I am not ready for that nor do I see myself doing that, but I do believe in tightening up a ton of boundaries. But it is hard. I am trying my best to be kind and inclusive to my mother, but I can never do right. No amount of rights make up for any “wrong” I do for her. I can not simply live my life and grow into an independent adult without “hurting” her somehow or being “selfish”. If that is what I must be to establish healthy boundaries, so be it.

Unfortunately one of us would have to move for a healthier physical distance to occur, but I see that happening for neither of us… But I think so far it has been very helpful for me personally to realize that what she does is unhealthy, so I can begin drawing those very important lines..