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Post-Breakup

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Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)
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  • September 6, 2016 at 8:06 pm #114437
    Ganesha87
    Participant

    I was in an 11 month relationship before both of us decided to call it quits early April, 2016. I know that, time wise, seems like nothing but our relationship was very intense. Both in a good and bad way. It ended because my ex is by far a very complex individual.

    From day one of the breakup we decided we didn’t want to loose what could be salvaged, our friendship. From April to mid-May we had contact. Mid-May he moved back overseas for the summer, over the summer we became distant and things came to a halt and we stopped speaking all in all. That didn’t end well. In August he came back to the US and we came into contact to discuss what had happened over the summer and what we would’ve wanted. We both felt like there was no going back and any type of ‘friendship’ would be impossible to reconstruct. Surprisingly, the conversation ended in us agreeing that we still wanted to be in each-others life. It’s been one month since we came back into each others life. I can’t deny that it makes my incredibly happy to have him back in my life. And at the same time, I find myself confused. A couple day’s ago I started to question myself. Am I doing what’s best for me?

    All throughout the summer I was ‘finding myself.’ I got into hiking, fitness & changing my eating habits (note I have always been into fitness & eating well but never really pushed myself as much.) I became extremely active and I was enjoying every moment of it.
    Now that I have been spending the weekends that I have free (with him) I have sort of put that on hold. I have declined a few date invites from a guy I would date over the summer, declined going out with a girlfriend for a night of drink’s. The guy I chose to deny because given the nature of the present relationship with my ex (sexually active) I would feel morally wrong to go out on date’s with another man. This guy well knowingly knows that I do NOT wish to be in a relationship. My girlfriend I denied because my ex and I already had plans to go watch a movie.
    I willingly choose to spend my time with him as in May of 2017 he will be moving to a new city for his post-grad internship & a year after that back to Europe. We speak of wanting to make great memories as the window of time to spend together is so short and will soon come to a final close. And, the truth is, we do have a good time together. We both understand and agree that there will never be a couples relationship between us. Its just too complex.

    This is the only relationship I’ve had post-divorce. I am not experienced when it comes to relationship’s or dating. I just need some advise if you will. Am I only going to end up hurting myself?

    I thank you in advanced for taking the time to read my post and will be even more great full if I get a response.

    Peace & Love!

    Ganesha

    September 7, 2016 at 8:46 pm #114564
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ganesha:

    I read your post and need to read it again tomorrow. If you read this before I am back to your thread, will you write to me: what is your goal/ motivation in the current relationship with this man you refer to as your ex boyfriend? And what is his goal/ motivation in the current relationship?

    anita

    September 8, 2016 at 4:45 am #114589
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So, you’re sleeping with him, you spend all your time with him, you blow off your friends for him, you can’t date anyone else because of him, but you’re not in a relationship?

    I’m sorry, but I don’t understand. How would being in a “couples relationship” be different?

    September 8, 2016 at 8:51 am #114612
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ganesha:

    You had a certain relationship with your boyfriend for 11 months, a relationship that considered a future together, as I understand it. Currently you are still having a relationship with the same man with the difference of not considering a future together post May 2017. Did I understand correctly?

    You are having a good time with him but you are unhappy about neglecting your fitness, healthier nutrition and social life outside of the relationship with your boyfriend.

    Maybe you can do both: balance fitness, nutrition and girlfriend time AND the relationship with your boyfriend. I understand your reluctance to date other men while you are having a boyfriend.

    I think it is a good idea for you to keep talking with your boyfriend, keep evaluating your motivations and his, keep acknowledging and expressing your feelings for him and regarding the May 2017 deadline of the relationship. If you come to peace with the deadline or find yourself no longer in peace with it, re-evaluate your relationship and proceed from there.

    Please do post anytime.

    anita

    September 14, 2016 at 9:14 pm #115216
    Ganesha87
    Participant

    Monklet80,

    Quit confusing isn’t it? Unfortunately, my ex boyfriend is not boyfriend/relationship material. I know that may come off as he’s just a terrible person. He’s not.He is amazing. He is however a very damaged and complex man. Complex doesn’t even begin to describe him. He had a very rough upbringing and that has now shaped who he is as a man. That is what stops us being in a “couples relationship.”
    As of now, I am really putting in a lot of thought to this “friendship”, as you are correct, it is no different than actually being in a relationship. Ours is basically a relationship with no title. We continue to have the same issues as when we were in a relationship. I would have loved to continue our relationship, I truly fell madly in love with him, but life isn’t always about happy endings and I know a true relationship with him is impossible. At one point we even went to therapy, for him as an individual and as a couple as well. It didn’t work. He knows he has issues deeper than the ocean but refuses to work on himself. Acknowledges them and at the same time ignores them. He has his self-sufficient mode ON 24/7 and there is no getting past that. It might be time for me to completely let go. I just don’t know how to. 🙁

    Thank you for taking the time to read and respond!

    PEACE & LOVE,

    Ganesha87

    September 14, 2016 at 9:33 pm #115217
    Desolate
    Participant

    Hi Ganesha,

    I’ll be honest…I think if you re-read your last post, especially towards the end, you’ve sort of answered your own question. If a relationship with him is “impossible,” and he’s not willing to work on himself as you mentioned, you’re only prolonging the inevitable, and in my experience the longer you do that the harder it is.

    Relationships (IMO) are very much about compromise and understanding. It’s sounds like you’ve compromised a lot of what makes you happy in order to spend time with him…but has there been any compromise on his part to try and make whatever this is workable for *both of you*? If not, I’d say it’s time to let go. You sound like a cool person and I can pretty much guarantee you there’s a guy out there with similar interests, morals, and values where the term “impossible” wouldn’t even enter the equation.

    A lot of guys have the approach to emotional openness of “I’m me, deal with it.” I know that because I used to be one of those idiots many moons ago. The good news is you don’t have to deal with it if you don’t want to.

    Hopefully something in my “too close to bedtime”‘ramblings has been helpful. 🙂

    September 14, 2016 at 9:36 pm #115218
    Ganesha87
    Participant

    Anita,

    No, he is no longer my boyfriend. We broke up 5 months ago, and about 1 month ago we began to reconnect and spend time together. We are still intimate and for that reason is why I choose not to date other men. I chose not to date because those are my values and because I am simply not ready to move on. I wish I was past this pain of having lost the love of my life. I am not.
    If you read my above post it will maybe help shed some more light to the whole dynamic of this relationship. About a week ago, when I made the post, I begin to question how keeping him in my life until May 2017 will impact me. I haven’t felt very satisfied with it and have felt even sad. Deeply saddened by it.
    I still can’t see him as just a friend or just an ex. I still love him dearly. I chose to continue the contact with him because I saw it as a small window of opportunity to do and say what I never did before, some extra time to make great memories that will last a lifetime. Great memories that would maybe, just maybe, wash away the bad ones from the relationship. The memories of all the fights and why we broke up. We just wanted to make new memories as “friends” by leaving out the drama and issues that came with a relationship, enjoying each others company as the unique individuals that we are. No strings attached.
    Well, maybe that was too good to be true, because we continue to have issues. As I noted, he is C-O-M-P-L-E-X.
    I feel it has brought me down and that’s what lead me to pause my personal growth and the things that were keeping me happy and well balanced.
    It is just so hard to let go because I don’t want to loose him as a friend. He is of the very few people that I am 100% myself with. He means so much to me because men and people in general like that don’t come easy. In the best ways and unfortunately in some of his bad. Is it too soon for a friendship? Am I expecting too much too soon?

    Thank you so much for your attentive response.

    PEACE & LOVE,

    Ganesha87

    September 14, 2016 at 9:55 pm #115221
    Ganesha87
    Participant

    Desolate,

    Thank you for your “too close to bedtime” response. LOL.

    I will have to admit that you are correct. Reading your response brought some tears as I agree with everything you have said. You are right on the money.

    I know it’s time to let go and move on. I know that’s what is meant to happen after a break-up, each person leads an individual life. One without the other. I know I am only prolonging my pain and at the end I will feel the same as now or worse. I know all of this, my question is always; How? When?

    You state that some men approach with emotional openness of “I’m me, deal with it.” If it was emotional openness wouldn’t that be a pro and not a con?

    I appreciate you using some of your precious “before bedtime-time” to respond!

    PEACE & LOVE,

    Ganesha87

    September 15, 2016 at 11:53 am #115279
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ganesha87:

    In my last post to you I referred to your ex boyfriend as your boyfriend, not because I didn’t thoroughly read your post and misunderstood the time lines, but because I did read and as far as I can tell he is still your boyfriend. For as long as you are intimately involved, physically and emotionally.. and still have the same issues as before, he is still your boyfriend.

    I understand that you removed the title and you decided on “no strings attached”- but that was the intent, not the practice as I read it.

    You repeated that he is a “complex” person. You suggested that he is aware of the issues from his childhood that shaped him but is not willing to do the work to heal from those injuries.

    That is quite common, way more common than being somewhat aware of the issues and doing the healing work. I wonder what you mean by “complex”?

    anita

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