Possibly leaving the love of my life

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April 28, 2014 at 2:16 pm #55533

Tim
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Hello there,
I was wondering if somebody could offer me some guidance, im going insane trying to find answers myself!
Ive been with my girlfriend for two years, im 27 shes 26, when i met her i couldnt beileve my luck, shes bright, ambitious, funny, caring, loyal and drop dead gorgeous. She really is a catch.
We get on so well and spend lots of time together and go on amazing holidays and generally just love each others company.
Heres the bit that confuses me, and i hate myself for it….
Ever since i got with her, although i mentioned all the above, about how well we get on and how much we enjoy each others company, ive always had doubts.
I cant even put my finger on anything really, ive just always had little niggles deep down in my belly that havent let me picture us togther in the distant future and i hate myself for it. Sometimes i look at other girls and think about girls i know and imagine being in relationships with them, this itself isnt right i know.
After a year of being together, i actually finished things with her and told her i needed time apart to find how i truly felt about her and to see if i did love her. She was devastated. We had a break of about 3 weeks, and it felt like id made a massive mistake and was just taking her for granted the last year, i missed her so much and was sure i loved her at that point.
We got back together and everything was great for about 6 months. Then they started again, my doubts, i hated myself for it.
I ignored them and carried on like this for 6 months, it wasnt like i was terribly unhappy or miserable, i was happy, just always thought i could be happier maybe?!
Recently her parents offered to help her out with a deposit on a mortage for a house, i rent a flat on my own, anyway, she came over all excited at this news and was desperate to tell me that we can buy a house togther, i tried my best to be excited, but i just couldnt do it. I was happy in my place, only been here a year and still enjoying having my own place.
I lived with my ex for 4 years before, i met lou, so not like id never lived with a girl before or anything, we broke up as she went to uni, it did mess me up at the time and took me a while to get over.
Lou could sense that i wasnt bothered and started asking questions about how i see our future. I couldnt really answer them. I just dont know why?!
Ive never really planned the future with her, other than holidays etc, ive never felt i had to and was comfortable with the way things were and i thought she was.
Anyway, since all that, we broke up, she said she could tell that she loved me more than i loved her and that its best we break up, she said i should enjoy thinking of the future with her, like she does with me. I agreed and that was a month ago.
At first i felt a sense of relief but was obviously extremely sad too. I had lost my best friend and had hurt her but deep down i knew it was for the best.
I just cant understand why i cant see a future with her and its killing me.
At first my gut told me it was for the best, obviously because of my doubts for the last 6 months, so i felt i was doing the right thing.
But now i find myself missing her like crazy, and just thinking about how amazing she is and how lucky i am to have her love me like she does. I found out she was texting a guy i know last week, and i felt devastated. I felt sick to the stomach at the thought of her with somebody else, i jus dont understand my feelings. I do love her, but why do i have these doubts that keep resurfacing. I feel terrible for being this way and i just wish i wanted what she wants.
Whats wrong with me? Do i have a fear of commitment or is she simply just not “the one”? Is the fact im asking myself these questions, actually my awnser? My mum said if i wanted to be with her i would enjoy planning the future and want to move in togther ect.
Im pretty sure she would have me back if i found id made a mistake would take a lot of work but there would be hope, but i dont want the doubts to surface again in another 6 months and have to break her heart again. She deserves more. But i dont want to throw away an angel of a person either and regret it later. I hate myself sooo much right now.
Please give me some guidance, should i let her go, or try and fix whatever is wrong with me? Like have theapy or something? I dont want to loose her if it turns out ive had something holding me back all along that could of been fixed. Anyway, thanks in advance 🙂

April 29, 2014 at 9:16 am #55580

8756a
Participant

Hi,

Personally, I do not think there is nothing wrong with you for thinking you may want something more. It doesn’t necessarily mean you do not appreciate your loved one. It sounds more like you just aren’t ready to settle and feel you need to experience the world a bit more, including other women and relationships. You are 27 years old, there is nothing wrong with that. At the end of the day, do what you think is really going to make you happy. Do not fear what other people will think because you took the road less traveled. When its the one, you just know…

Follow your gut and don’t look back.

Good luck.

April 29, 2014 at 10:44 am #55587
Fiyuhfry
Participant
Tim,

Your notion of “the one” appears to be based on unrealistic expectations. Judging from the anecdote you’ve provided, your feelings of limerence becomes stronger when you both are in the throes of emotional drama but weaken when you face the realities of a long term relationship. You may have confused pangs of emotions such as desire for what is practical and tangible, and the thought of the future threatens those flood of emotions. Do not confuse feelings of jealousy for authenticity, that is a primitive territorial habit over things that we think “belong to us”. I don’t believe it is a “fear” of commitment, as it is encouraged for you to seriously re-examine what actually constitutes a real and healthy relationship and if that is what is suited for you at this point in your life. Have you perhaps been involved in a conflict habituated relationship with your ex (i.e., make up and break up cycles)? If so, it is advised to seek ways to break out of that habit, as its clouding your judgment and will poison future relationships. Authentic relationships require a lot of work, and those feel-good dopamine floods of desire, lust and ecstasy is unfortunately short-lived and require creativity to spark. This may sound harsh but no person is going to be able to provide feelings of ecstasy forever, those feelings will fade, and perhaps that is what scares you. So you play the make-up and break-up game to regain those lost emotions, which is ultimately destructive not only to you, but to Lou’s self-esteem; this is not fair to her if it is true that she seeks an authentic connection. You seem to acknowledge this, but continue to be carried away by your whirlwind emotions; why?

Do not rationalize why you tend to follow impulsive emotions over everything by reaffirming Lou’s good qualities; it can be very insulting to her. She may be thinking, “Well if you think I’m so great, then what gives?” Do not place that burden on her. Check yourself, ask yourself why it is the way you are. Perhaps your brain chemistry requires a lot of feel-good emotions to keep up relationship happiness, if thats the case, I suggest that you think up date ideas that provides as much novelty for you as possible and a match that is willing and able to keep up. Maybe take up a hobby that you can branch out to your relationships, such as hiking or mountain climbing, as the exercise and the inherent potential danger (excitement) can create a healthy emotional outlet for your needs.

Best wishes.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 6 months ago by Fiyuhfry.
April 29, 2014 at 2:42 pm #55603

Tim
Participant

Firstly, i would like to thank you both for your responses, ive found them both extremely interesting and its great hearing some advice from some people that see things from the outside, so thankyou, both responses made me think.
I guess my main worry is throwing away an amazing girl that loves me, and then regretting it later.
I did feel i was regretting things when i found out about her being in contact with somebody i knew shortly after we broke up, after your replies, i know that its just jealously, and id feel that way whether i was sure i made the right decision or otherwise, like you said fiyuhfry, its important not to mistake jealousy for authenticity, so thanks for that.
My previous relationship wasnt on, off, on off as such, but i see your point about those feelings of excitement dimming as real life and routine sets in. Ive always understood that the “buzz” doenst last for ever, i exept that, but ive never purposely thought id break up again to regain some spark and bring back the feeling of love for ther that might of tailed off.
I guess i might be taking the doubts i have sometimes too seriously, and thinking that it isnt right to have them in the first place, therefore seeing that as a reason to not be with her and that there might be somebody better suited to me out there somewhere. I dont know. Im still so confused as to what to do, but again, thankyou both so much for you’re replies, they have both definatley made think about things from different angles and i appreciate that.
I wish i were as wise as you both, ive struggled with decisions all my life, and proberly always will 🙁

April 29, 2014 at 3:51 pm #55605

Fiyuhfry
Participant

Tim,

It is definitely alright to have your own doubts. However, it does take some much introspection and patience to figure out where those doubts are stemming from and if it is indeed something telling you that this relationship isn’t a good fit in the long run. Regardless, no matter how a great a person may be on their own, they may simply not be for you. Perhaps you could talk to Lou yourself about your feelings, and you may find that she can offer some perspective. I am not too sure about the quality of intimacy between the both of you but I suggest that you ask her to talk to you as though she is a friend.

Best wishes.

May 3, 2014 at 1:32 pm #55767

Tim
Participant

Thankyou again for you last reply, im sorry for the delay.
Since my last post, me and lou talked and she ended up asking me questions about our future, for example living together and kid etc. even though ive been desperatley trying to figure out if i want those things with her, i still couldnt give her an answer. I felt terrible but i didnt want to say yes to those things without being 100% sure on the matter.
Lou wasnt impressed and since said that she isnt waiting around for me any longer and is going to move on. I feel terrible and scared that its all a mistake that i will regret, but why couldnt i give her the answers she wanted?! I hate myself for it.
I suppose the only comfort i can take from my actions is that i surely would of decided i wanted all those things with her by now, if i did? The fact that i couldnt decide must mean it wasnt meant to be surely? I must sound mad, im sorry, its just i found your advise reallu interesting last time.
I suppose i just have to start trying to move on myself and exept that it wasnt meant to be?

May 4, 2014 at 10:31 pm #55809

B
Participant

This is just a short reply but it’s something that I did myself and was in a kinda similar situation.

“If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it was meant to be”

You may just need to go experience life a bit more to figure out what you really want. If in time you do figure out what you want, and those feelings are still there for her, then go from there.

I did a similar thing letting my gf go, but it was her that had the commitment issues. Let her know you love her, but need some time to figure out what you want!

May 14, 2014 at 3:42 am #56252

SG
Participant

Hey Tim,

Your forum stuck a chord with me as I myself have dealt with a similar thing, but me being the girl in that situation – and I hope my response isn’t too harsh but it’s only my thoughts 🙂 there is nothing more soul destroying than someone who can’t decide what they want, or if they want to be with you, when you’ve given them no reason to think these things. Especially when you’ve described her as bright, ambitious, funny, gorgeous.. you get along well and you enjoy each others company…

I believe you might be putting too much pressure on yourself (and maybe Lou) to find this perfect relationship with ‘the one’ there is not one perfect person that’s going to fore fill all of your needs, that fore-fillment comes from within, from you. If there are doubts, listen to them, it’s a human quality that shouldn’t go unheard. If you feel like that, you feel like that for a reason. Brushing these doubts under the carpet when you think you want to be with her and she loves you for who you are, is not only a little selfish and not fair on Lou, but these doubts and issues from within will only resurface in time and you’ll feel exactly the same as you have previously.
You say you can’t see a future with her, which you’re questioning yourself for, why can’t I see a future with this incredible and amazing person, who loves me? Honestly, forget how you feel and ask yourself what you want, it is unfair to hold onto her when you can’t make a decision. It only holds her back from the path that was set for her.
Take some time to concentrate on you and really discover what you want and what you’re looking for.
I hope this helps in some way, and I hope you find what you’re looking for Tim.

May 14, 2014 at 4:46 pm #56301

rushlady
Participant

When I quit listening to my gut instinct, I found myself lost and adrift. Listen to yourself. I too agree that it just was not right-for you-and when we can listen to ourselves we find out much. Being 27is not old but it sure can feel that way. Take a tally of what you liked about this girl then BE KIND AND LET HER GO. You aren’t sure of what you want so allow this girl, that you claim to love, to
find herself with another. Then you bear that pain…it is yours to own and learn from. Too cruel to her to keep her in your back pocket while you figure it out. There will be someone out there…who has what you like, and by then those nagging doubts will not be a hindrance.

April 27, 2020 at 11:25 am #351586

Rejoice
Participant

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