Hello

English is not my main-language so sorry if i spell wrong!

I am so sad right now and need to write all things down. I have been with my boyfriend (or now ex?) for 1 year. When I met him he was a drug addict and was not treating me very good. He would look at porn and check out other women in front of me and even tell me his opinion of other women’s butts.  Like “Shiit she got that nigga ass!”. Yup right in front of his love. By that time I was blind of love and did not consider it further. But one day we were at a hotel. I came home from shopping and he was drugged out on the bed with his hands in his pants and his phone in front of me. He told me :” You are disturbing me”. I know he took drugs back then, and we hadn’t been with each other for that long. Back then he would look a lot on butts, like twerking Instagram babes and so on. But only when he was on drugs, which was the only reason I could forgive ham. But I got a fear for butts. Every time I would see a big butt on a woman I would die inside because I thought that was what he really wanted.

okay, now I want to tell you what he did yesterday. after 8 months clean. We had a big argument because I often felt he would lie to me about small things. Suddenly he did not answer me anymore. I knew he relapsed. I took a deep breath and thought “okay he relapsed, I gotta make sure he is ok”. But then I saw on google historic what he had searched for. We share a google account so I could see it on my phone while he was doing it. He had searched on “big ass mom”, “big ass teacher” and visited serveral sites where he had seen a video, “Mom teachs daughter how to suck”. I was in chok, still am. I am fucking 19 years old and my boyfriend of 22 searches for older women. Besides that I am the model type, with a nice body, with a little bubble butt which is not so big, but it is not non-existing. I dont know why I say I have a nice body, because I am totally down right now and hate absolutely every detail about my self and my body. I wish I have a bigger butt like the girls in the porn videos. I know it is wrong, but how can you not wish that, when your boyfriend watches porn with women looking exactly NOT like you. And even have an older age than you!.  Besides that. He has pictures of me and my body and butt on his phone. But he DID NOT choose me. He needed something better and bigger..

I have accepted his porn in the past because he took drugs. And when he got clean, he quit the porn. It was only a side-effect to the drugs, that made him see it. But yesterday when I found out he had watched “big butt mom”, I died inside. I have struggled with my self and my ass and body, cried so many nights because of it. And still loved him deeply. But yesterday when I found out he had litterally searched for “Big ass” by him self on google, my bournderies broke. I was now sure that he liked big asses and moms?  We have signed up for an apartment together in 15 days. And then he did this.

I want to let you know, tshat he knows how much the porn affected me from the past, so he knows how much it huts me now. The problem is, if he had not searched for “big ass moms”, and just looked at normal porn with normal girls, with normal body types like me, I would forgive him. It is because of his specific interest in butts, moms and teachers. Everything that is not me.

I broke up with him yesterday. He broke every trust we had built up. By the fact that he was a drug addict you could imagine how damaged our relationship and trust have been before. Now I am lost. I love him and cry everytime I see him. But I can’t look him in the eye. He is not the same man to me as he was before. The things he watched disgust me. But on the other hand he is my soul mate and everything. I wish I could let go of all feelings for him and just be friends and stay in contact. But I love him. But can’t get over the porn. He has cried and is of course heart breaking. After he got sober he knows he have killed our relationship. What should I do? Be strong with my decision and what I can and cannot accept. Or take him back? I know if I take him back, It will be a night mare. I will feel wrong about my self everytime he looks at me. + The intimacy bond people have in relationships is gone. Now he has shared this intimacy with porn models.

I know some people doesnt think it is cheating. For me it is, and I need help figuring out where mig bourndaries are.

Thank you.