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Poor Health and Work Conflict Frustration *TRIGGER WARNING*

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Viewing 7 posts - 1 through 7 (of 7 total)
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  • September 19, 2015 at 7:02 pm #83650
    Kristi St Clair
    Participant

    I am SO frustrated right now because I have 10,000 chronic health issues it seems and because of the doctors appointments they require and how they make me feel, they make it so I can’t work a normal job…I COULD go onto disability if I was willing or wanted to, but I am stubborn and want to work because I enjoy it. If I didn’t work it would make my depression worse than it already is. I have been diagnosed with Major depression disorder, anxiety, Bi-Polar II, PTSD, Degenerative Thoracic Joint Disease, Degenerative Arthritis in my cervical spine(my neck), degenerative arthritis in my right shoulder, I have a torn rotator cuff in that same shoulder, COPD, asthma, and idiopathic intracranial hypertension. I am 25 years old believe it or not. 25 years old in what feels like the body of a 60 year old and I feel so depressed because I feel like I may never be able to hold a REAL PROFESSIONAL full time job because I have so many doctors appointments. I feel like my life has been stolen away from me before it even had a chance to start. A good portion of my degenerative issues are from my mothers ex boyfriend(*ABUSE TRIGGER WARNING*)because he abused me from the age of 6 until we finally escaped that house on January 29th, of 2008. Yeah. I remember that date and I can tell you pretty much every single detail of that day and the night before…My neurologist believes that my IIH is from multiple concussions throughout my childhood, but as the idiopathic suggests, he isn’t sure, but given my history he feels that is a good pointer. My back, neck and shoulder are all messed up from him as well…especially my shoulder. One night I put his fire gear in the wrong spot and I got thrown across the dining room and landed wrong on my shoulder. This popped it out of place and tore my rotator cuff and they never took me to the hospital to get it popped back in or anything, they just put it back in at home then made me do “physical therapy” at home…I can’t say I was the perfect child but I didn’t deserve what I went through…
    I am just so frustrated because I am stuck in a dead end fast food job because basically that is all that I can work because the hours are flexible and it’s the only kind of job where I can get the three days off in a row for my lumbar punctures that I need or if I need this day off and this day off for such and such doctors appointments I can get them. No professional position would want someone like me…I know I probably sound whiny or kind of pathetic here, but I guess I am the type of person who LOVES to work for a living, I mean I worked three jobs at once at one point(mostly because I needed to but I honestly really didn’t mind it too much!) and I have held down a job since I was 14 years old. I have always pictured myself having a job where you go into work every day in a collared shirt and nice dress pants or some sort of formal attire. I mean, my dream job would be either being a United Nations delegate or an exotic animals veterinarian(yeah I know, two different spectrum’s)But to be 25 years old and have not one, not two, but at least 3 diseases that not only won’t ever go away, but they will also get worse…it’s like a cruel joke. I know there are people worse off than me out there health wise but this just keeps rattling around in my head and is making me feel worthless because in my mind, if I can’t hold down a good job or just even a job in general, then what good am I?
    Does anyone else know how I feel?

    September 19, 2015 at 7:56 pm #83651
    jock
    Participant

    I could say “just be positive, things will turn out fine” but that would be pathetically inappropriate. If it helps, I’ll say “good luck” anyway.

    September 19, 2015 at 8:15 pm #83653
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kristi St Clair:

    I am so sorry. Your story is heart breaking.

    I don’t know if I know how you feel. The consequences of your abuse as a child are severe. The consequences of my abuse are TICS, used to be severe and now not severe but present (Tourette Syndrome) from the age of five or six as well as obsessions and compulsions from the same age (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). My anxiety was severe. I was later diagnosed with Major depression as well, PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, Bipolar, other anxiety and mood disorders, anorexia and other eating disorders and the resulting Irritable Bowel Disorder (IBS)

    What bothers me most these days is the IBS, keeps me up at nights and I don’t know if I will sleep tonight as well, This is causing me much anxiety. the other thing is my anxiety about and around food and eating (the two related and exist on a daily basis).

    I can share more or converse otherwise further with you. If you want to write more, please do.

    anita

    September 22, 2015 at 8:23 am #83834
    Kristi St Clair
    Participant

    I tell myself the same thing every day Jack. Between that and my daughter it’s one of the few things that keeps me going.

    Anita, I honestly can’t imagine living with Tourette’s Syndrome. I worked for NYSARC(It is a program for the mentally handicapped and disabled)and I encountered a few people with Tourette’s. It truly was heartbreaking to see them and I could see their frustration sometimes with how they couldn’t control the things they were saying sometimes. I have a couple tics myself but they are muscle tics that are caused by medications.(Oh joy…) It sounds like we both have our own different versions of hell if I may say so…I really can’t imagine what it must be like with your IBS as well. I do know someone with crohns but I don’t know if it is similar to that. I hope you can find some sort of relief at least sometimes 😞 a friend of mine in high school became anorexic after some classmates started bullying her and she ended up getting hospitalized for a few months as a result. I haven’t seen her since.
    May I ask what triggered yours?
    Today I am on my way to get a lumbar puncture again and I am scared out of my wits because I know how bad it’s going to hurt…plus I know how much it’s costing me monetary wise…sometimes I wonder why I am being put through all this. If this is all some sort of test I would think by now I would have passed…
    I would have responded sooner to all of this but for some reason I wasn’t notified that I had responses 😞

    September 22, 2015 at 8:49 am #83836
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kristi St Clair:

    You typed the above post a few moments ago. I read your anticipatory anxiety over the pain to come today. I think you are using humor (hard for me to tell, being humor-challenged) when you wrote that you would think that if you are put through a test that you would have passed it already. If it is a joke, I think it is very funny. Probably because i do not believe you are being put through a test, and neither am I. In the bible Jobe was put through a test by… a very cruel god, but that is all fiction. We suffer because of either natural disasters, real accidents of genetics or otherwise or childhood relationship disasters. And we suffer the consequences. And often pass on the pain.

    Regarding the Tourette’s- Corprolalia, it is called, the involuntarily swearing and saying inappropriate words- no, didn’t do that. I suffered from vocal tics (vcarious sounds) and motor tics, plenty of both, difficult to sleep at nights and not to mention socially embarassing as hell. The anorexia started later in life- at 54- only recently did I notice that I lost that overgrowth of fine hair on my face. The anorexia started when I got into dieting, trying to lose weight.

    It is a balancing act (many, many acts) accepting the consequences of my abuse (like a snow ball, gathering more and more snow as it goes down a hill, from right there as the abuses happened and on and on in life) and creating an inner life inside my head that is more life- friendly. Another term creating a brain that is more “user friendly.”

    I can’t re-create myself “as good as new” but I can heal and heal and then heal some more. This is the only choice and commitment that makes sense to me.

    anita

    September 28, 2015 at 6:52 pm #84361
    Kristi St Clair
    Participant

    You would be right to say I am using humor to kind of help me deal with things…it’s my coping method I guess. I tend to use humor to deflect just about everything. Sorry I took so long to reply this time…I hit a really bad depressive low after the last response becAuse my stepfather had a full time full benefit and retirement job lined up for me where I could have been making 15 to 17 dollars an hour but because of all of my health issues and doctors appointments, I couldn’t accept it….I kind of bad a shut down for a few days.

    I really can’t imagine being unable to control what comes out of my mouth 😞 I am being honest when I say I don’t know how you deal with it do they have medications or anything that help you with it? The hair I think happens to a lot of women as they age unfortubately. I used to be a representative for Elizabeth Arden and therefore worked with a lot of older women and you would be surprised at how many had the whiskers lol so don’t feel less confident about it or like you are the only one *hugs*

    It sounds like you and I function the same when it comes to our approach with creating a second life for ourselves inside our head…I kinda escape into that world especially when things get bad. But that is also a bad habit of mine because that is when I shut down from being over stressed, from my PTSD or for whatever other reason. I then become completely emotionally unavailable and its like I am just a zombie like shell. Its pretty bad…

    What do you do to cope when you feel overwhelmed by everything? That’s my biggest problem is I don’t have any proper coping methods. I was a cutter as a kid starting from age 12 and I just basically holed up inside myself because I couldn’t talk to my therapists about anything since my mom would tell them it was lies anyway….so when things get stressful for one reason or.another I just resort to once again holing up into myself like I used to…

    September 28, 2015 at 7:05 pm #84364
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Kristi St Clair:

    When you are afraid and alone, you need a good mother to be there in front of you, to look with her kind eyes into your eyes, with a smile on her face, talking to you with her kind voice, telling you that she is WITH you, that as long as you live, she will be WITH you, that you are no longer alone. She looks at you and tells you she likes everything about you, that you are okay with her. She tells you she loves you, that who you are, where you are, what you do are all okay with her and she is proud of you.

    You need a good mother, don’t you? I do. So when I am feeling fear or great sadness or otherwise distress, I call her. She is in my brain, a part of my psyche. If I had a good mother in reality and she died, I would still have her image in my brain and I would call on her when in need or trouble.

    I am not doomed to never have a good mother, am I? I am creative, and so are you. I can create an image of a good mother in my head, a living, breathing image, a part of my psyche, as real as any other part. Create her, choose a face for her, a voice, establish her there. Turn to her.

    This is all you ever needed, a good mother.

    anita

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