Hello all, the past year of my life has been very hard. Last year I was molested at a dance and have PTSD from that, and I’m scared of men, especially being alone with them. This has affected my dating life (though I am only 17) because I have trust issues with men now.  I have a Chinese mother (no shade to Chinese people, but my mom fits the stereotype of the grade-uptight Chinese parent, never thinks what I do is enough for her) so I’ve grown up believing that I’m not enough and that nothing seems to be enough for me as well. She also has body shamed me as I am 5’7 and 145 pounds, which she seems to think is fat. She herself has had anorexia and has pushed that unhealthy body image onto me as I’ve grown. My poor body image has resulted in binge eating disorder and bulimia.

My father is disconnected from me and always needs the house clean. I have moderate ADHD and so I can be extremely messy, so every day I’m being yelled at to clean, on top of having to do extensive sports and homework for school. If my grade dips to an A- then my mother scolds me and demands I get it back up as soon as possible or she’ll take my phone away. I have had my IQ professionally tested at the result was a score of 138, which is highly gifted, though my mom still treats me like I’m incompetent, and sometimes that belief rubs off on me.

I used to go to nationals and place in the top 10 for those in my sport, but being molested at the dance that they hosted made me resent the sport. Theres also a girl on my team who was extremely competitive with me, body shamed me, told me she wanted to beat me, and got extremely upset when she didn’t. Nobody likes her on the team so as she got better (her dad is a coach for the sport so she did a lot of extra training) and started beating me, people began to get upset with me. I watched myself as the sport I used to love turned into a sport I don’t want to compete in ever again. The anxiety and stress in the team was too much for me and now the season for the sport is over, but track season is here and everyone is pushing me to do that too (including my mom who wants me to go to state).

On top of that, my best friend of seven years has completely forgotten me. He made me laugh the way nobody else ever could, and I love him so much and I’m having a hard time accepting everything, because he’s just left me and doesn’t seem affected by the loss of our friendship whatsoever. I tried reaching out to him but he just won’t ever be the same.

A rumor about me spread around my school this year which really was terrible for my already suffering mental health. I have had depression since second grade on and off, but this rumor really pushed me over the edge and I began to self harm. Although I no longer do this, and the rumors about me have died down, I still always think that everyone hates me and that nobody will ever want to be my friend. According to my therapist, its just a lens, but it feels too real for me to call it just a lens. The rumor wasn’t that bad, but it was false, and it was basically about me being a snitch. My ex-best friend I previously mentioned said that he hated me because his girlfriend at the time was the sister of one of the victims that my alleged “snitch” impacted (it was about drugs, and her brother was a drug dealer). I tried telling people the rumors were false but nobody really believed me besides my close friends, and so people just called me self-victimizing.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life, but I cant go on the way I am. I’m not sure exactly what I’m asking for either by writing this. I just need help and good advice I guess.

I like to think of myself as unique because I am very different than other people and I am very original in that sense. I don’t follow trends, and I used to think that was what made me happy but now it makes me separated from other people and I always feel judged.

I’ve gone through a lot of shit lately, although I know its not really terrible. Its just been really really rough. Again, I don’t know what I’m asking for by writing this. Just advice and wisdom… I’m really stuck. I am trying to get into spiritualism because I was raised atheist, but I find Buddhism to be very amazing and special. I don’t believe in god nor will I ever, but I really just need wisdom and help to figure out how to maneuver my life, from my controlling and manipulative mother to my constant stress about sports and school, to my lost best friend, to my self confidence levels. I just need some words of advice.

Thank you for reading this all, I hope I don’t sound like Im being dramatic but I need something to vent to.

• This topic was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by j.coleman07.