Hi Phil,

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through; it sounds very upsetting and disorienting.  Are you currently seeing a therapist or counselor?  I have had a similar experience this past year which ended up in two hospitalizations.  I also experienced some of the confusion and issues around time and at a certain point was having very bad hallucinations and also having moments of sensory input where I was not sure if time was going forward or backward.  I  have worked on recovery relentlessly in the past year, including a lot of therapy, meditation, yoga, and practicing being present in my body nearly everywhere I go.

That being said, I also have PTSD and a lot of childhood trauma as well as various abuse and emotional issues that had not really been dealt with fully.  In my personal experience, there were a great many factors that went into my emotional/mental breakdown (including the results of the election, certain medication that I was on that was not good for me, and some other very heavy life circumstances, etc.) and the combination of everything happening at once sort of broke my reality as I knew it.

I did not think I would ever be feeling “normal” again, but nearly a year later, I am pretty close to that.  I am unsure if any of that will resonate with you or if hearing about my experience helps you any, but I wanted you to at least know that you’re not alone in experiencing something like this.  It takes a lot of courage to open up about it and to tell others exactly what you are going through.  I also am realizing how my views on the world are drastically shifting and changing and has left me feeling like I was previously involved with a ‘movie/dream world’ as you explained.

I hope that this brings you some comfort and please let me know if I can help further!  Therapy and talking it out as well as being fiercely committed to my own recovery and ability to remain present have helped me immensely and hope you can find some similar relief.

Amy

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Hi Phil,

Thank you for reaching out and telling us what’s going on, Depersonalization and Derealization can be pretty traumatic and frightening experiences. It’s good to hear you overcame the initial wave of DPDR, but it sounds like it’s still going on, you’re in a fugue state, and if you haven’t already you need to get some help from a trained therapist. It will only get worse if you don’t see someone, it does not go away on it’s own.

I experience DPDR too so I know what you’re going through, you’re not alone!! I thought my head was really sick just like you do and kept the scary, obsessive thoughts and feelings of being in a movie a secret from everyone. I thought I was a monster or a lunatic. But the more I learned about it, the less alone I felt. A lot of people experience this and there are even great videos on YouTube talking about what to do when you experience an episode.

One great way I bring myself back to the present is to hold a piece of ice in my hand for a while. Another trick I learned is to do the 54321 method: look around the room and list 5 things you see, then 4 things you hear, 3 things you smell, 2 things you taste, and 1 thing you feel on your skin (like the texture of the carpet or the coldness of the aforementioned ice cube). Do that repeatedly until you’re back in the land of the living.

And lastly, what’s helped me the most (besides therapy) is when I get those dark thoughts like those you mentioned about your brain telling you that you should be dead, is to remember that they are just thoughts and they CAN’T harm you or others.

You’re not alone! Get help and try some new tricks to bring yourself back. In my experience, meditation is a fantastic maintenance tool to stay in the present, but not a great rescue technique when you are severely depersonalized.

Much love and much luck to you Phil.

-Maria

Dear Phil:

The attention  to and obsession with  numbers is a very common manifestation of  anxiety. I used  to pay a lot of attention to numbers, particularly dates on the calendar, like today: 12-2-2017. The fact that “2” appears three times in today’s date used to mean something to  me, usually, it  meant starting my life  anew in some  significant  way, because there are three 2-s.

People think  of particular dates, of the digits of dates, as  indicators of  the end  of  the world.  Many times such dates were feared, people prepared for the  end  of the  world but  such did  not happen.

anita