Please help me with my mental state

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This topic has 6 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 7 years, 4 months ago by Mark.

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July 19, 2017 at 7:16 am #158926

Dawn
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Three months ago, I came back off holiday (visiting my sister in Abu Dhabi) my boyfriend did not come with me as he had to work, which was fine I was happy to go on my own. The minute I landed it all went wrong. My doggie was very sick (I had left both my dogs with my dad and his wife) she has a liver disease and it had flared up, but went too far and I nearly lost her several times. I hadn’t even had a chance to sit down with my bf and discuss my holiday or anything in the first few days. I had to talk to him about Lola, but when I rang him I couldn’t get hold of him, so I went to his work (he is a chippy) and he wasn’t there. The boss told me that he had an appointment and would not be in until after 10am. Which I didn’t know what was going on, so I kept trying to call him and finally he rang me 3hours later.
He told me he was at work, and I never mentioned I knew he wasn’t. So, a few days later, when Lola had come back home and seemed to perk up, I confronted him over dinner. At first, he wouldn’t admit to me, until I told him the reason I knew he was lying to me. He finally admitted he was having an affair, which completely broke me. I asked him not to contact his ‘new love’ whilst we figured out what we were going to do, and he said he could not promise me that. Well at this point I knew I had to leave him. We had been together for six years and living together for two.
I had to move in with my mother, and to cut a very long story short. I am staying with my mum and Lola is with me, I had to give my other dog to my dad and had her for 12 years, so I miss her terribly.
I have met up with him twice now and it’s really messing my head up. He is not with this affair anymore, it turns out she was married and didn’t want to leave her husband, so they ended it.
I need to not keep in touch with him, as he messes my head up. I can’t get him out of my head, thinking I know best, and that we can get back together that the pain of the last three months would all go away. But If I’m being honest, I don’t want that. I want to be free of him and feel If I hadn’t let him in I would be a lot better than I am now.
We decided this morning to take a few days break of not talking, and I think I need to take this opportunity to just stop contacting him. But how do I get him out of my head. I’m a mess, I can’t concentrate on anything! Work and friends included.

Please can someone help me figure out how to try and move on!

July 19, 2017 at 10:44 am #159002

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Dawn:

Can you elaborate on how “he messes (your) head up”- what about his part of communicating with you is messing your head up?

anita

July 19, 2017 at 12:21 pm #159026

Amber
Participant

Dawn,

If it were me in your situation, I could not forgive something like that. Especially after you had found out the woman was married. To me, that is completely disrespectful and is unforgiveable. You are not married and you don’t have any children so cutting the ties early with him won’t be as difficult. I would however think differently if you had been married, children and were with each other quite sometime. I think in that case it would be counseling and a lot of work on both ends of the marriage. You don’t deserve that…. you deserve so much more. I wouldn’t give him the time of day after what he had done. I do however wish you the best and hope you are able to figure out what you want for your future. Good luck!

July 19, 2017 at 5:32 pm #159084

Eliana
Participant

Hi Dawn,

Lets say, you do get back together with him, a would you be able to fully trust him again? You were gone for three months, you came back, excited to see him, even went to his work, only to find out that not only he lied to you about not being at work, but he was seeing someone else who herself was married. I am wondering about this man’s character and values which don’t seem to be very high.

I think if you did get back together, things would not be the same as before. You would always be doubtful, and wondering if he is lying, or seeing someone behind your back. I don’t think you would be happy, and yes, it would mess with your head. What would happen if you decided to take another vacation again? Would he be so quick to have another affair? I think you deserve better.

July 20, 2017 at 4:12 am #159106

Dawn
Participant

Thank you for the replies.

We have cut contact now, I could not handle it and neither could he.

We had been together for 6years, and although we have broken up around 4 times before, it was never because he cheated on me. It was because he could not commit to me. I am in counselling at the moment and together me and my counsellor worked out an unhealthy pattern in my relationship with my ex.

We deduced that there was a triangle, with three points – Victim, Rescuer and Persecutor. Our usual things happens and we break up. I become stronger than him over a few weeks, months – because he is not pulling me down, and although I miss him I start living again and becoming myself. But as his rescuer, I do start getting anxious after a certain time that he needs me. And then he gets in contact, he’s the victim and I am the rescuer in this situation, and we normally get back together.

But after a few days/weeks he starts to pull away from me, and living his life with me kinda hanging on to him for dear life. Because I’m trying to rescue him but he’s pulling away, so I try harder (this is all Subconscious). And before I know it, he’s the persecutor and I’m the victim. This is why I struggle so much with letting him go, but he has no problems letting me go.

I guess knowing this now is hopefully going to help me get some closure and move on from him. But more importantly, when the cycle starts again to be aware of it and break it.

July 20, 2017 at 5:08 am #159110

Eliana
Participant

Hi Dawn,

I am happy to hear everything got worked out. You sound like you have a great counselor. Please post anytime.

July 20, 2017 at 6:31 pm #159266

Mark
Participant

Hi Dawn,

This is one of the most frustrating parts about relationships to me. Why should I have to be preoccupied by thoughts about someone who hurt me? What has helped me the most is two things: try to ignore the thoughts and focus on reality instead of the mental voices and images. Look at all the stuff around you that you never see, listen to all the sounds those thoughts tend to deafen. Then I find it helps to do something you love. Instead of falling into thinking about things you don’t want to, go the other way and find something you love to do that takes your mind off all the unwanted thoughts.

Sometimes these thoughts are just things you need to get through, for some reason. I find when I am thinking unwanted thoughts to go and try to help someone else. You are focusing on doing good for another person and putting positive things out there, instead of being pulled into your own mind.
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