Dear aVoid:

“My mother was absent and my father was strict“- the absence of a mother and the absence of kindness from anywhere else created a Void in you, didn’t it?

“His family abused me” – the abuse dug into the Void, making it bigger.

“and I resented them for it. I spent most my life wanting revenge“- anger about the unfairness of what happened to you naturally poured into the Void.

“I had become addicted to alcohol and other vices” – the Void is devoid of good feelings, but it is not devoid of feelings: hurt and anger, shame, guilt and desperation rush into the Void. You poured alcohol and other vices into the void, trying to replace the bad feelings with good feelings (or to just get a break from the bad feelings), didn’t you?

“I wanted to end my life so many times, and I’ve tried” – it is too painful and too frustrating to wake up every day to the same Void day, year after year. It is disheartening to find out- every time you feel better- that the good feeling is temporary, and the Void is right around the corner. It is like waking up every day to the same empty day.

“My life has gotten much better. I moved across the country to start over. I met someone who I am currently with and she loves me. I am successful. I have everything a man needs and wants. But I feel nothing. I feel empty” – A woman loves you but her love cannot fill the Void any more than alcohol can. Material success and belongings cannot fill the Void either.

“Currently, I am sitting here after an infinity of restless nights…  Every night I struggle to fall asleep…  I have so many goals and aspirations. But I struggle doing anything because I feel so defeated. I think it’s safe to say that I have chronic depression. Always have since I was a child. I learned to live with it. But now my insomnia has gotten worse…  I am so sleep deprived and I don’t know what to do.. My mind is eating itself” – I think that you need to do something different about the Void. I think that living with it for so long has defeated you, and your mind is sick and tired of waking up to yet another day that is the same, empty, Void day… so it is on some kind of a strike: it won’t sleep before it is promised that it will wake up to a different day, a day with a plan for a real solution to the Void.

Let’s explore the Void together, a Void. I think that I can help you and myself in regard to the Void (if we have, or can develop a similar-enough understanding).

anita

Hi aVoid

To me, it sounds like you could have PTSD. I had a similar experience and for a large chunk of my life, I felt similarly. Empty, emotionless, lacking motivation.

Emotional numbing or repressing emotions often develops during abuse when it is not safe to express feelings. It can also be a coping mechanism to avoid feeling very intense emotions.

A trauma therapist can be helpful to learn to connect to these difficult emotions in a healthy way.

A specific symptom of depression can be a lack of interest in activities that you used to enjoy.

Do these sound like experiences that you identify with?

Hmm I tried various things with insomnia. I found melatonin helpful. Have you tried it yet? It is a sleep hormone that occurs in people. You can purchase it as a supplement. A very low dose 0.5mg is often recommended to mimic normal hormone production. But you can take more if needed. Some people find valerian root helpful. I wasn’t a fan though.

It’s taken a long time to train myself and develop sleep hygiene to get past the insomnia. Music was very helpful for me to relax and distract my mind. Anything that relaxes you can be helpful. It will take some time but I encourage you to experiment and develop a sleep hygiene routine  that works for you.

When I’m very stressed I break out all of the tools, music, a cup of herbal sleepy tea, candles and teddies. It might be silly, but whatever works as long as it helps. I hope you get some sleep soon!

How are you, aVoid? I hope that you are close to finding a therapist that is right for you.

anita

Hi aVoid!

How was your trip?

Can you tell me more about this glimmer of hope that keeps you alive?

It sounds like you have tried a lot of  things  to try and help you sleep. It’s a shame that melatonin hasn’t been helpful.

I see that you mentioned difficulties with alcohol. Are you aware that it causes issues with sleep? Additionally, it is a depressant that worstens depression and anxiety.

I would recommend speaking to a doctor about quitting drinking. There are medications available that can make the process much easier.

Dear aVoid:

Eight days ago, you wrote: “One thing is for certain, it will come to an end. But whether it’s by one day, finally breaking myself free from these chains, or dying here, alone in this dungeon. I just hope that it isn’t the latter”.

Today, you wrote: “Currently, I am feeling disappointed in myself. I have too many problems holding me back from being who I want to be“-

How about building pride in yourself for breaking free from your chains by creating and following a daily-weekly routine that will work best for you?

You identified the chains that are holding you back from being yourself as pleasures that you consume (“we can never be ourselves because we are so indulged in our pleasures“). You listed these pleasures:  movie,  video games, porn, alcohol, cigarettes (now vaping), social media.

“But all I want. Is to be a man. Is to have control over my life. I want to stop this. I want to quit smoking. I want to quit porn. I want to get out of the video games and come back to reality. But how?”- the answer is in your own words: “We want everything but don’t want to work for it“-

Work for it in this way: choose a daily- weekly routine that will work best for you, improve it, perfect it and follow it. When you wake up in the morning, what do you do? That will be the 1st item in your daily routine. At night, in bed, right before you are ready (or willing) to drift off to sleep, what do you do? That will be the last item in your daily routine.

Incorporate daily exercise into your routine (going to a gym?), maybe a long walk every day or every other day; guided meditations. Maybe spend half an hour a day on social media per day, watch a movie once a week, you decide.  Make a daily plan in regard to the vices you want to quit: no porn at all (?) Perhaps an hour every other day of video games. One alcoholic drink per day, for now? You decide.

In regard to vaping, I read that Nicotine Replacement Therapy (NRT) is considered the first-line treatment for most people who want to quit vaping and it’s available over the counter for adults.

“More than ever do I want to die“- say to yourself out loud: I want to live! Maybe it should be the first thing you say every day when you wake up? .

“I waste hours every day playing video games, making connections to the characters, wishing I were them“- become the character you wish to be by designing your own real-life daily-weekly routine. You are welcome to use your thread for the purpose of developing your routine.

anita