Dear Joey:

It seems like you and your boyfriend had a three year relationship of one kind and then a different kind of a relationship for a year and ongoing, on and off, casual type. If your goal is to have a committed, monogamous relationship with him, not a friends-with-benefits type, then end the latter and aim at the former. In other words, don’t have sex with him.

Because it was already decided on before, that there will not be sex between you and it happened anyway, the only way to see to it that there is no sex in the future (for as long as the relationship is not of the kind you want), is not to meet with him in person at all.

In the future, if you and him have a meeting of the minds again, where you are both interested in the same and feel that you are capable of it, then resume talking, starting from the beginning.

anita

Dear Joey:

That sad face at the end of your recent post, my suggestion is in regard to it: you will have to endure that sadness, the anxiety, all the discomfort you experience, endure it while making better and better choices. We all want to feel good, every living thing, if it feels, it wants to feel good. Unfortunately, as humans living complicated lives, we have to distinguish between what will feel good right now and what will feel good tomorrow and the day after.

So at any one time it will feel good to see him right now and to spend the night with him now and hope for the best. But that leads to more misery, and more misery and it reduces your chances to feel okay long term.

Also, it is not that you need to get better, to heal and then you will deserve the prize: him. He has to heal too from whatever he needs to heal. He needs to improve too.

It is tough to be emotionally attached to a person and to stop thinking them, to turn away from the object of our attachment and turn toward reasonable living. But it needs to be done, if you want a better life.

Is psychotherapy available for you?

anita

Dear Joey:

I suggest you see to it that you put any and all contact with him on hold for let’s say six months. During these six months attend therapy, if such is available to you, promote your life work/ career wise, attend support groups/ develop a friendship or friendships with other women and stay away from men for the next six months at the least.

anita