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Please help- always arguing!

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Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
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  • February 20, 2014 at 5:03 am #51427
    Cynthia
    Participant

    Hello,

    I have a boyfriend I have been with for quite a while. He is a passionate atheist, and I am religious. Previously, during our phone calls, I was starting to feel insulted; I appreciate that his is willing to share is well-thought philosophy with me, but it is naturally insulting to anyone religious. I pointed out to him, rather angrily, that I don’t like him making me feel less intelligent than him and other atheists. He won’t, of course, just tell me “your stupid,” but he will say that, “anyone who believes in a God might as well believe in imaginary fairies and everything else! It’s all insane.” Translation: because I am religious and believe in a god, I am insane. He has said much worse things about religious people as well…. “inability to think for themselves…feeling superior to others…etc.”
    Unfortunately, I began being rather passive aggressive towards him. I began striking back; this has lead to an unfortunate serous of arguments. We are both extremely critical of each other now.
    When we are able to see each other in person, we are not critical at all. Only in email and on the phone, to the point where I honestly don’t want to talk to him. Each phone call wears me out mentally and emotionally. I can’t handle it.
    Does anyone have any advice?

    Thank you.

    February 20, 2014 at 7:46 am #51432
    Prabha
    Participant

    Hello Cynthia 🙂

    I can understand you must be going furious listening to general statements on conflicting issues, especially when it seems to be applicable to you as well.
    But no two person can be equal in their views about everything. everyone of us have our own way of thinking due to our experiences.
    I remember one such issues with my best friend over a particular city and its people. i used to argue a lot,
    but once she could talk politely she told me her experience with that particular city and its people. Only then i understood that her views had cum from there as she had only bad experiences as far as she was there, and i can only wait for her to have good experiences in future to agree with me. i neither pushed her to believe me nor changed my views for her.

    BUT if it is something which really means to u or your self respect or attached to your basic values you HAVE to atleast let him know you are
    not feeling comfortable about it. It is better to politely convey your discomfort in the beginning itself than overlook it until it becomes too late.
    who knows may be he had no clue it is hurtung you personally! or maybe you can understand why he is behaving so.
    Sometimes words through phone and chats may be misinterpreted, Talk to him about this when u MEET him face to face,
    as u said that is when you both are amicable to each other.
    ASK politely what makes him feel so, politely so that he can hear your what you feel and you can hear his side. I know, I very well know it is hard not to get angry when basic things need to be explained which should be understandable 🙂 but i have learnt that at least for the sake of your relationship
    and atleast to give both of you a chance to let your feelings known to the other person, patience is important atleast to start with.

    But you should let him know that your views differ in such important issues, IF you are sure he will happily let you follow your mind while he follows his, then
    relax, let him have his own views and talk abt his views on it, dont take it personally (infact empathise for him or be mentally elsewhere n keep smiling until he finishes :P).. but if you want your partner to walk in your way then dear friend remember that we dont have control over other’s views,
    only with patience & time it MAY or Maynot happen.please let him know the same if he thinks he can change you later (again as
    politely as u can say).

    You have to decide whether this problem is really vital for you & worth fighting or the relationship is worth to accept the differences and stil draw a healthy space.

    February 20, 2014 at 7:54 am #51433
    Matt
    Participant

    Cynthia,

    He doesn’t sound very secure in his beliefs, he sounds scared. If he was peaceful, what would create all that judgment? Why spend so kuch effort tearing others down? Religion is often a deal breaker for couples, and even more difficulty, he sounds like he puffs himself up a lot by degrading the beliefs of others. Said differently, he sounds boastful, prideful, and insecure.

    That being said, it seems odd that he would do it more when away from you than with you. Maybe your physical presence is calming for him, helping him become less scared, so his “pappa bear” stops attacking, criticising, self justifying. Maybe you’re just pretty enough that your sparkle distracts him. Maybe when he’s on the phone, his environment is unsafe and he feels the need to fight and defend. Who knows.

    Is he worth it? Do you find your heart and spirit uplifted and enthralled by him and his song except for this? What are you looking for?

    Said differently, it doesn’t matter what the topic, if you’re feeling exhausted and drained, its an issue. If you try to bring it up, such as “please stop judging religion, it hurts to hear that” and he doesn’t listen, what are you doing with him? Are you bored enough to find being poked at and judged entertaining? If it were your husband of 30 years, or one of your parents, or something, it would make sense. But some boy you met and click with in a couple ways? But when you talk by phone or email you feel crappy? Doesn’t sound like a good fit as I read it. But, it is your dance, dear sister, so what to do with the pieces depends on what you want. Just remember that it isn’t our right to try to change people so they fit our mold. Not your right, and not his.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    February 24, 2014 at 7:31 pm #51683
    Cynthia
    Participant

    Thank you very much for your answers.
    We haven’t brought up religion lately, so we’ve been less critical of each other, not arguing as much. Still, I know that he hasn’t changed; he just hasn’t voiced how much he disrespects religious people. That in itself is a bit frustrating; but, like you both said, it’s not like I can change him or his view.
    I agree Matt; I really need to be respected in some sense. In a way, I can’t stand being with someone who thinks all religious people are nutcases.
    Thank you again.

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