I can only tell you my story..

I have experienced this first-hand with some of my female friends who happened to be people i met when i was younger. Although we eventually drifted geographically, there was this bond and trust that stayed. They will have your back in a real crises. That connection somehow stays. You would always care for them and they can tell you anything. These are rare bonds no doubt and need to be given the validation they deserve. I have seen a number of people who stop giving their friends that much of time when they settle down or get a boyfriend.

I met my partner while i wasnt even looking for someone ironically. I found a good friend first who later became something more. All i am saying is, when you want a friend, you gotta show that you are being a friend too. Of course there needs to be that circumstance for that. I dunno, like go for volunteering, join a club and find like-minded people. Funnily, i did manage to make one really good friend through this route as well 😛 Anything’s possible but we have to use our common sense and not that cynical person who tells us we’re being odd. Sometimes you just click with some people and then, work to make that connection through simple ways.

As for what other’s find acceptable, well all i can say is “how many can you keep pleasing anyway?” People will always have something or the other to say (lol, me included) I think it is totally reasonable to be in an awesome friendship but you gotta be a more open and understanding person to make that happen.

Thanks Jess and Matt for your insights 🙂

Hi “Rumi” (The Ruminant) – a big hello from your twin sister down under 😉

I think you know the answers to your questions but if you are asking me, yes, it is possible to develop such intimate relationships. However, the secret ingredient to having such relationships or any relationship is to be yourself. Most humans are known to be inconsistent and thats a normal phenomenon. When you are able to be just YOU in every interaction, similar people are automatically attracted to that quality. Everyone craves an authentic relationship and I think the underlying message of Osho follows the same principle (pls note, I am not a big fan of Osho but most of his basic teachings are similar to those of other spiritual mentors).

Following on from your entry in one of the other posts re: social media, I would like to share my thoughts here. Social media (plus any media for this matter) has the capacity to generate negativity in our lives. Mental peace and positivity comes down to the quality of people’s daily or recurrent thoughts. I will try to explain this by using a builder and his raw materials as an example. A builder can build a beautiful structure with raw materials, which everyone admires or gets great pleasure from or he can build an ugly structure, which creates an eye sore for most. Our mind is like the builder and our thoughts are like the raw materials.

Social media has the capacity to load us with multitude of poor quality thoughts, which our mind uses EFFEcTiVELy to create anxiety, unhappiness, lack of contentment, comparisons, mental chatter etc. This is the reason behind a famous quote: we become what we think about the most. Everything around us has an impact on our quality of thoughts from the food we eat to the air we breathe.

You will find that abstaining from negative news, dramas of other people or social media will aid in leading a more positive life. Feeding our mind with positive thoughts help us to become more content, happy, less anxious and more productive beings. I have tried this over the last few years and it has been amazing. Now, it takes a lot of effort to bring me down or change my frame of mind. And it all started with practicing of positive affirmations (by louise hay or susan jeffers) and becoming more “authentic me”. There is no one more special than “Me” or “You” so we need to look after the quality of our thoughts each second.

Hope this helps you with your quest. Sending loads of positivity your way,

J

TR,

I can understand the feeling of awkwardness and not wanting to be “abnormal”. Consider that this whole “normal” idea is perhaps the problem, not your style. With mom and dad being a little cool while you were growing up, it makes sense that warmth would be both highly fascinating and confounding. What is a hug supposed to feel like? How does normal communication come to be? What is this whole intimacy thing? Perhaps, you can see around you, people seem to be doing alright, connecting, enjoying, but that feeling of outsiderness remains like a shadow on the heart.

So, when an inspiration pops into mind (“oh, I could say this”, “oh, talk to him, her”, “oh, a chance to show kindness!” etc) perhaps you shoot it down. It just doesn’t feel safe to do it, take that leap into the unknown. Too many factors.

And the truth is, yep, lots of factors. So what? It reminds me of part of a Dar Williams song. “And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing,
And they’d know that I was scared, they would know that i was guessing.
But the wall came down, and there they stood before me,
with their bumbling and their mumbling and their calling out, just like me.”

There are plenty of people out there who hug with awkwardness at first too. However, its nice to share warmth with others. Physically, emotionally, mentally… just to make space and hold our friend for a moment, let them know they’re loved, seen, felt, known. But, everyone is different, coming from different parents, teachers, cultures, and heroes, so that “hug” space is different too. This gives us all different “accents”, such as using different words for the same idea, differences in expectations, and various fears, but we can relax into our heartfelt intention and simply let ourselves connect, try, jump in. For me, its following the blossoming of inspiration meeting my willingness to dance.

And, stumbling is inevitable. I do it all the time, and feel like a fool plenty of times. 🙂 Words or actions kind of blert out, or in an “ummmm, ok, aaaaaanyways” kind of way. So what? When we find our groove, our tune, and just play… its pretty fun, and full of light. For me, this makes stepping through the awkwardness and vulnerability a simple choice.

For instance, I do my best to give hugs on Tiny Buddha. Sometimes, people hug back. Hooray! Light shared. Sometimes people say “you self righteous bastard” or whatever. So what? I’m doing my best! The dissonance of those moments becomes information, refining, learning. Its a moment of pain, of confusion when I accidently step on toes, or give a hug to someome that punches back… but those melt quickly, are impermanent, and grow wisdom. So why fret?

Namaste, sister, may you find the courage to sing your beautiful song.

With warmth,
Matt

Hi “Rumi”

What a priceless insight that you have shared in your last post.

You are aligned to your inner being now :). Just beautiful.

J