Smutsik,

Of course we do not know whether we will be here tomorrow, a year from now, or fifty years from now, and we certainly do not know if we will be with our current partner at a later time in our lives. But regardless of whether you do know or do not know the length of time you will be on this earth or if you will be with the same person, what I am hinting at is that this view that you hold is bigger than both of those things. Your tendency to focus on physical beauty is a trait that you carry inside yourself, that will continue to effect you through changing circumstances in your life.

I am not saying you will be with the same partner in the long run, but what I am saying is that this view, which will not lead to lasting happiness, will continue to follow you through life, even if you do not stay with your current partner. And if you aren’t able to shift your focus onto what is important while you are young, you may end up up unhappy when you are older, if you are with a partner, and hold this view that physical appearance is important, because looks fade. So by shifting the part of your mind that gives you a sexual reaction when you see a certain visual, to allowing your sexuality to not be directly connected only to visual stimulus, you can end your doubt in your current relationship, and prevent future suffering in future relationships.

I am saying this out of personal expirience. The world we live in teaches us from a young age that the physical way that certain things look is directly connected to sexual gratification, but this is not true. What feels best about sex, is how it feels. Not how it looks. You simply have trained your brain’s sexual response to react strongly to physical appearances. But this can be changed with practice, to ignite the same reaction to other stimulus, such as touch and sound and words feelings and an infinite number of things, so that you can still be 100% sexually satisfied with your partner.

In fact, since I learned to redirect my own sexual response, ive had exponentially better sex than when my sexual response was focused solely on visual. For example, ive chosen to relate my sexual response to be directly correlated with how I feel for someone, so that just being around them puts me in the mood. This has many benefits. First and foremost, I am in the mood more often. Second, their appearance is irrelevant to me, so this often makes your partner more confident and improves their performance, as it allows them to know that they are not being judged on their physical appearance and they can let go of their inhibition. Third, the deep sexual connection strengthens your bond with your partner, and ive found that the feelings of elation during and after sex are stronger. And fourth, it brings peace of mind to let go, and not judge someone who you should be loving and enjoying good feelings and great sexual experiences with.

Sincerely,

Sarah

Dear smutsik:

More of my input: some people believe that because they think something, they have to share it, especially with an intimate other. As if once you are in a relationship, your thoughts are now Community Property. As if an intimate partner has the ethical responsibility and duty to share, or … confess all of one’s thoughts. I don’t believe so. I strongly believe that your thoughts are your private business.

You can keep your thoughts of lack of attraction to her body to yourself. You are not betraying her by not sharing these with her.

The thoughts I personally choose to share with another are truth, I don’t lie. I don’t mislead (with half truths and cognitive manipulations), but I don’t share every thought I have. In a loving relationship it is very important to not share every thought (and every feeling that goes with the thought). Discernment is loving.

In other words, I think that it is perfectly fine for you to continue this relationship and never tell her about your lack of attraction thoughts and feelings (I read that you do have sex with her frequently, you called it “great”, hence…)

On the other hand, it is your right to end the relationship if you want to have a different looking partner. It is fine for you to value physical attraction enough to do so. This is your life, your choice.

Is this helpful?

anita