John,

That is a pretty common struggle for many people! Wishing to balance a lay life of family with monastic principles is tough. When I read your words a few things came to heart.

Reality is comprised of layers, and your description of your attraction to women is a great example. Said curtly, it sounds like a superficial view, which is pretty normal. When looking out at reality, the fiery chaos and sparkle of a woman catches our senses and provides great pleasure. We are overwhelmed by their potency, and feel a gravity that seems impossible to avoid. This feeds a cycle of nourishment that always leaves us feeling unfulfilled, yet yearning for more.

The practice that resolves a superficial view is deep looking into selflessness and impermanence. When we begin to let go of the “ooh, pretty sparkly pop art” view of women, we can begin to look at the mature, powerful goddess inside of each woman. Its a little rude to do this with strangers, so we can practice with objects. For instance, we may realize we have a superficial relationship to our chair. So we look deeply. What is really there? What conditions came together that allows that chair to be there for us to sit on?

Thousands of strands of cotton fiber, for instance, means that cotton plants took energy from the sun, co2 from the air and water and grew and grew, so the cotton plant is there with you, the sun is there, the water is there. The farmer who planted and harvested to cotton is there. The grandparents of the farmer is there. The designer or engineer whose art became the chair is there. The teacher of the designer is there. There is a whole symphony of natural interactions that came together just so, and the result is the thing you sit on. As we sit in this view, a natural appreciation arises for the form we call a chair. We realize the chair is really the crest of a wave of conditions, and in sitting in it, we are participating in that continuity. This connection to the chair is significantly more potent than the sensual pleasures involved in seeing a particularly sexy design that maybe is missing a leg or two.

With warmth,
Matt

I believe it is so sad that our society is so driven by looks. Even very beautiful people never seem happy with the assets they have, and are always look for more, because there is always someone else with more beauty, charisma and charm.
We need to be okay being who we are! Big challenge. It is amazing to me how much I care about what people think and say about me, despite the fact that I work very hard at leading a spiritual life.
The things that make us unhappy in life – and there are many – we cannot control.
I have been dealing with changes in my mind, body and spirit that come with age. In my day, I have to say now (didn’t think it then) I was a pretty attractive woman. It was quite common to be acknowledge by other men for my looks in my younger days.
Now, I am no longer “flirted” with – only once by a 90 year old man who said he liked my scarf!
I find myself wanting to change my appearance to look younger. The Aging process is not appealing to me. But like many things in my life – I have no choice.
That being said – physical attraction is important in relationship and I think it is an attribute that should be entertained. The more things we can find in people that we like the greater the chance the relationship will be a satisfying one. So maybe you will find someone who is beautiful both inside and outside. Good luck.
Pat