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November 7, 2017 at 7:24 pm #176937
Wanderlust16ParticipantDear Anita,
In order for me to get closure I need to talk about my feelings. I need to share my truth so that I can be free. I still care for him and I want him to have closure also. I fear that if I don’t be honest with my feelings I could find myself in an unrequited love relationship by myself. I could be wondering what could’ve been six months from now. The last time we ended it we were not 100% truthful and ended up back together. Due to this powerful connection we shared we need to have an honest discussion so we can let each go in peace.
November 8, 2017 at 6:30 am #177001
AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust16:
Sharing your truth is a powerful experience and I hope you do that.
Regarding his truth: I don’t know what it is, of course, but here are two possibilities. Again, these are only possibilities:
1. He had a very overbearing mother, one who trapped him, emotionally, perhaps via guilt trips, reaching out to him for inappropriate intimacy of some kind. Growing up with her was an emotional torture to him. Therefore, living with a woman translates to torture, in his mind. And yet, he needs intimacy once in a while, it being a human need. But if he feels trapped in intimacy, his distress is overwhelming and he needs Out.
The six month travel with little to no contact in his previous relationship was that Out.
He told you again and again that he doesn’t want a relationship so that Out is available to him, so that he has the comfort in that Out being there the whole time. When on vacations with you, he felt safe enough to be genuinely loving to you because of this pre-arranged Out.
2. His mother often left him, either physically or rejected him. He reached out to her and again and again was hurt. He felt anxious without her, needing her and he felt hurt and anxious when interacting with her. As an adult he needs interacting lovingly with a woman, so he does, but making sure he doesn’t get hurt by the woman leaving him or rejecting him, best he can.
* If any of these possibilities is correct, he is not likely to share it with you and so he is not likely to get any closure. Reason is he hasn’t heal from his childhood experience so he is not ready to disclose it and find peace in communication with you.
anita
November 8, 2017 at 5:59 pm #177125Wanderlust16ParticipantDear Anita,
He’s the middle child out of five boys. Two brothers are married and two have been in long term (at least 5 yrs) girlfriends. He’s the only one without a gf or had any very long term gfs. He didn’t ever speak negatively about his parents to me, maybe a closer relationship with his mother than father. His parents, at least his mom was very strict. He told me incidents where she’d watch them all until they finished – meals or homework. No messing around.
We rarely talked about how he feels about any topics. He’s fairly calm on the surface and doesn’t like to talk about anything negative. That’s one thing that bothers me is that he avoids any negative confrontations. He did things to make me happy in order to avoid confrontations. I’m not a demanding person but I nag sometimes. I believe he’s been in denial when it comes to love. He loves deeply but denies it in order to maintain his lifestyle – not making compromises to email or call. Relationships take time and effort and he doesn’t want to compromise (didn’t do it for exes either). He has deep emotions just like everyone else. He got emotional when I broke down. There’s absolutely no reason for me to believe what we shared was fickle. He aches in private and alone. I hope he finds peace and love.
November 9, 2017 at 4:25 am #177133AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust16:
Reads to me that the love he expressed to you was authentic and honest, that “He has deep emotions just like everyone else”. And it reads to me that he needs that Out. I think that both are true.
My thoughts about the information you have: “…his mom was very strict. He told me incidents where she’d watch them all until they finished – meals or homework. No messing around”- one sibling who is in a long term relationship may have adapted by taking on the role of the Submissive One, submitting to a dominant, bossy wife, let’s say. Another sibling may have taken the role of the mother, being dominant, aggressive. This man we are talking about took none of these roles. He took the Avoidant Role.
It is very common for siblings in harsh circumstances growing up to take on opposite roles and so siblings are often more different than strangers.
“We rarely talked about how he feels about any topics”- he probably didn’t talk about his feelings as a child either. But he must have been angry at his very strict mother, not wanting to do what she told him to do, not being under her watch, under her constant watch.
“He loves deeply but denies it in order to maintain his lifestyle – not making compromises to email or call”- an email or a call, for him, is obeying and he will not obey. Nor will he live under anyone’s watch.
anita
November 9, 2017 at 5:28 pm #177357Wanderlust16ParticipantDear Anita,
You’re correct in that one of his brothers take a submissive role. This bro has been in a relationship with his gf for at least a decade and they’re still not married. Those that know them don’t understand why they’re together. The bro and gf are from different countries. He didn’t marry her so she couldn’t stay in his country and go to school or work there. They both settled in another country instead. SHE purchased a house and got her MBA there (he also has a MBA). After living in this country for a while they returned to his country. He still didn’t marry her so she tried to get a Visa through family lineage. She’s working in another country because she couldn’t find a job in his country due to language barrier. They visit each other on a monthly basis. I don’t know why this woman would endure this. At first I thought her motivation was a Visa/citizenship but she was able to get a Visa through her family.
I appreciate you for helping me think through this. I haven’t responded yet. The more I think about the more I disengage. I’ll respond but not sure how much I’ll share of my own feelings because my goal is not to get back together, it doesn’t matter. It’s not my place to help him figure this out, especially when I’ve not been included in his life. I’ll work on understanding my issues and try to heal and hopefully recognize the signs of unavailable men by not getting too involved too fast. This usually is the problem when we get emotionally involved then it’s too late to think objectively – to get out or hope that they would change. We all been where we hope they’d change and it doesn’t happen.
November 10, 2017 at 5:21 am #177455AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust16:
You wrote: “We all been there where we hope they’d change and it doesn’t happen”- I was there too. I now know that indeed, there is nothing really that we can do to undo the formation of a person during those formative years of childhood. We as adults cannot compete with that early formation of a person.
anita
November 16, 2017 at 5:37 pm #178429Wanderlust16ParticipantDear Anita,
It’ll be a week since I sent him an email detailing my view of our relationship and also why I kept going back. I acknowledged my participation and told him that I forgive us and apologized for any hurt I caused. I haven’t heard back and am not surprised. I’m no longer disappointed. I’m sure he’ll contact me in the future asking how things are. To be honest, at this point, I have no interest in friendship. My question is a week enough time for someone to send a respond because I really want to close my email account. Unless I’m on vacation I always respond within the same day to a few days in my personal and professional worlds. I’m not used to someone that I had such close encounter with blow me off like this. I have ZERO desire to put myself through this again. I could close the account now but I feel that I should give him a chance to respond since I brought these issues up. What would you do? TIA!
November 17, 2017 at 3:58 am #178483AnonymousGuestDear Wanderlust:
I would close the account and make it so that it is not possible for him to contact you again. At least not online or by phone, the easy ways.
You sent him an email with your feelings in it, not for the first time and he ignores it, not for the first time. He is likely, like you wrote, send you an email in the future but not mention the one you sent him. Meaning, ignoring your feelings, again.
It hurts to be ignored. Protect yourself from future hurt by no longer contacting him and no longer availing him the opportunities to contact you the ways he had before, closing accounts/ blocking him from access.
anita
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