I don’t know how to describe awful feelings I’ve been feeling for months now.
I feel empty. I feel like I’m turning cold. I feel like I’m turning into stone.

A few things happened lately. I lost my younger brother to cancer this April. He was 33 and I’m 34 years old. We were close, very close. When he was alive, we played, we fought, we were there for each other. He’s gone. It was devastating to me and my family. He was so dear to us. We are still coming to terms with the loss.

A few months ago, I left a toxic relationship which lasted about a year and a half. She was my first love and my first sexual relationship. I went in and out of her life many times. I wish this would be the last time I promise myself not to wreck her life if I don’t have the balls to commit. It was a complicated relationship as both of us had issues and it was becoming unhealthy for both of us–physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I may have decided that that was the final one. But I soon feel then tension building inside me. Knowing that the relationship was not a healthy one but I missed her dearly. I’m obsessed with her. I could have accepted, let her go and move on with life. But I lost my mind, my enthusiasm for living.

Interests, hobbies, haunts, leisure activities I’ve done before I met her are bland at the moment. As of this writing, nothing works.
I tried to take my mind off by trying new things that I would normally would not have done. They were good while it lasted in moments I was “present”.

I dislike my current job. I need to change. I want to change. Nothing much else to say. I know what must be done. It’s just that I don’t know what to do next. I have a degree in IT. I used to tell people I’m passionate about IT. Now I feel dried up. Somehow I lost interest. I tried to reignite it. Just sparks, no flame, not even a small one.

Some folks say I should spend more time with family and close friends. It’s not working. I’m distant with my family. I feel cold towards my parents. My younger sister has a family. My widowed sister-in-law is busy with work and kids. We all live under the same roof. The air in the house is gloomy after our loss of my dear brother. It’s not the same any more.

Recently, I’ve been practising self-love. Putting the focus on me. That hasn’t really work quite well yet. I know because I still feel dispirited. Trouble is, I don’t know what I need and want. I did things up till now for the sake of doing–just a mechanical motion. Going about my life as it is. Nothing excites me like I’m an unfeeling entity.

I miss the feeling of being pumped-up and ready to take on anything that may come into my life. As I sat in front of my PC typing this away. I feel lethargic. All I can think of is eat, read, sleep, watch old videos that I had in my computer, exercise, work out at the gym, watch pornography, playing with my genital. They may be pleasurable for a limited time. Unable to sustain the pleasures.

I meditate. It helps hone my focus. My mind drifted often, I had to bring myself back to the present. This exercise goes on and on. It hasn’t really brought my attention to answers I have within me yet. Perhaps I’m impatient and pessimistic.

I’m seeing a therapist for some time. She’s very nice. She supported me, gave me a safe space to confide, to share. She taught me many things and now I have tools to help myself, lenses to see the world. Only thing is, I have to pick up a lens to see one at a time. I’m still unable to synthesize all the lenses to see. She can only bring me to a point where the rest of it is really self-work, self-realization, self-enlightenment, self-revelation.

I don’t know what to do that will bring me joy, happiness and zest.
I don’t know what to feel.
I don’t know what I need.
I don’t know what I want.
I don’t know who I am.
I don’t feel like doing much.
I don’t know any more.

Really, I have faith, I have hope, but I have no zeal at all.
I don’t there’s nothing wrong with me. I just don’t know why it feels empty.
Feels like I’m walking around with a no pulse.

I need to be defibrillated.