Hi Jen,

I’ve gone through the same thing over the last few years (I’m 31 now). I moved a lot in my twenties and jumped around to a lot of different jobs and relationships. I felt confident through most of it, but more recently (let’s say the last two years) I’ve started to look back and criticize myself for “bad” habits: staying at jobs for short periods, moving in with guys too fast, etc. I wasn’t particularly crazy, just had a way of quickly making big decisions and being comfortable with fast, huge change. I was way more outgoing and adventurous than I think I am today. I wonder personally if I just became my own worst critic, shaming myself for reckless and immature behavior that may have set me back in my professional life and caused people to develop particular opinions of me. I think it ended up being a sense of embarrassment or shame that caused me to turn inward and become a bit more of a cynic of life. My inner critic started following me around commenting on everything I did, every day. I got used to the abuse from myself and it became the norm.

The repercussions of this were that I fell into depression for most of the last two years, which has only recently subsided. I’m starting to come out of my shell again as I realize that I don’t need to bully myself so much– honestly, being a resilient and constantly evolving is what makes me fascinating and people think it’s charming more than anything.

So I guess that was all to segway into this: do you feel like you have a strong inner critic? Or are you just observing more? It could be that you’re maturing to a level where you value absorbing energy more than emitting it. But if you feel empty because a particular facet of yourself feels like it’s missing, then there might be something inside you that’s blocking it (mental state or self-bullying come to mind). I say it’s probably internal because if it was someone or something that was oppressing you, it would probably be a bit more obvious. But other basic stuff such as lack of sleep, exercise, sunlight, or nutrition could just be draining you. If you feel like you are taking care of yourself from the inside-out, then maybe start looking at your every day life and see if a particular outlet is missing. I started doing aerial silks a few years ago and it became a great creative, social, and energy outlet for me. Perhaps you are just not stimulated in the right way.

This was mostly a stream of conscious, so hopefully it translated well. I wanted to respond because I definitely feel for you and totally get it. Just try to be open to the signals you’re sending yourself and conscious of your inner voice. Who knows, you may end up growing fond of the “new you.”

Best of luck. <3

Dear Jen:

You are welcome. I wonder if you are certainly uncertain because at one point on you were disapproved for the choices you spontaneously made, pointed to a “better” choice and having this happen repeatedly, you lost confidence in your ability to make the “right choices”

An example of a childhood scenario that I am making up: Jen is on an outing with her mother to the mall, approaching the ice cream shop there. Jen is looking at the dozens of ice cream flavors and says: I want this one! (the chocolate flavor, call it the C choice). Your mother says: but you like the vanilla flavor too (call it the V choice). Why don’t you get the chocolate AND vanilla combination (the CV Choice).

Next, you go to a clothing store to buy a .. new hat. Jen says: I like this one! And your mother says… you get the point.

Anything like that?

anita

Dear Jen:

“In the beginning..” What happened in the beginning is what I often ask myself when I try to understand people’s distress. In the beginning, a child does not question his or her choices. They come naturally, spontaneously. There are really no Mistakes, in the beginning, only choices leading to consequences, leading to learning.

So when you wrote in your last post: “I think the uncertainty is coming from myself”- I agree that at this point, it does, but not in-the-beginning.

If you would like to examine the beginning, do share about your earliest memories of a parent or parents disapproving of your choices.

anita