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Performance Anxiety

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  • September 3, 2015 at 7:30 am #82763
    Gabriel
    Participant

    Hello everyone,

    I’m new to this site, but not very new to Buddhist precepts – though I’ve admittedly become less actively engaged. Anyway.. I should make my point.

    Lately, I’ve experienced sexual performance anxiety. When I’m engaged in intimacy with my partner, I don’t immediately feel anxious until the moment of penetration arises. When it arises, my breathing becomes rushed and my heart starts to race (not in overwhelming fashion but enough to be noticeable), and I’m unable to achieve an er.. well, I think you get it (don’t wanna to seem inappropriate).

    In a previous relationship, I was cheated on quite a few times and continued to convince myself that if I worked things out with that ex-partner, his infidelity would subside. After a while I internalized feelings of worthlessness and unattractiveness and believed that I could not be sexually satisfying to anyone. I didn’t immediately realize these thoughts and feelings were there until recently, when my current partner and I was having sex.

    I’m happy to give more detail to anyone who can offer some insight. I’m not exactly sure how to work through these feelings in order to keep the healing process moving forward. I also realize that part of my anxiety is exacerbated by thinking that my current partner and I will eventually fall apart because of my inability to achieve an erection and, therefore, have sex. How do I begin the healing process? Is it similar to managing general anxiety?

    Also, I’ve communicated this issue with my partner, but worry that we may discuss this issue “too much,” which would suck the excitement out of our relationship. How does one strike a balance between addressing one’s innermost complications and maintaining a level of joy, both as an individual and as a person in an intimate relationship with someone else?

    I apologize in advance if any of this doesn’t seem coherent – kinda thinking as I type along. Again, I’m happy to give more detail if it will help make sense of what I’m sharing here.

    Thanks a million!

    September 3, 2015 at 8:00 am #82765
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear selfcontained87:

    You say your breathing becomes rushed and your heart races- I assume you mean that in addition or coupled with the sexual excitement is FEAR. So fear got coupled with sexual pre-penetration excitement. Is that the case? I am almost sure this is what you mean, but need to verify. If so, the fear born maybe in the previous relationship, fear of getting hurt again, that fear needs more acknowledgment and a way to be naturally discharged, somehow. Your username, self-contained- the fear is not self contained and managed at this time.

    If you are following me and agree with me (correct me otherwise)- how do you think you can … naturally discharge this energy, this fear?

    anita

    September 3, 2015 at 9:43 am #82779
    Gabriel
    Participant

    Dear anita:

    Thank you for your reply.

    I’m thinking that the change in my breathing and the noticeable physical sensations (like my heart races a bit) is a result of fear. I think I’m having a hard time fully grasping that fear because of the duality of my mental state. I actively want to be intimate with my partner and still have strong desires for my partner, but as that physical intimacy gradually increases, so too does an anxious feeling. Now that I’m thinking about it (with help from your response), it seems more like a fear of abandonment and/or rejection if I don’t “perform” the way I’m expected to (of course that “expectation” is more of an assumption on my part).

    In my past relationship, I blamed myself for my ex-partner’s infidelity, despite also believing that his infidelity had little, if anything at all, to do with me. As an example, it’s as if I said to myself, “He cheated because I was not able to sexually satisfy him.” I think the thought replayed in my head when my current partner and I tried to engage in intercourse, and this realization has bothered me a bit. I guess another thing I’m mentally telling myself is something like “if I just perform better, I’ll be desired more” while simultaneously believing (subconsciously anyway) that I’m undesirable to begin with (and I think this latter thought is baggage I’ve held on to from my last relationship.

    I write in a journal regularly and have been using that as a catalyst for healing for a multitude of emotions I’ve had difficulty sifting through and understanding. Part of the reason I posted here was because I also think it would help me to receive insights from others, rather than “healing in a vacuum” in a manner of speaking.

    It helps to talk it out… I appreciate you responding to this and also trying to grasp an understanding.

    September 3, 2015 at 9:53 am #82780
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear selfcontained87:

    When you are engaged sexually with your current partner, the sexual arousal energy builds up in you, climbing up toward the goal of discharge in orgasm. As the energy builds up, the fear ATTACHED to it also builds up. As the fear climbs up, you get overwhelmed and dissociate so to protect yourself from the overwhelm. You block your sexual arousal in effort to block the fear attached to it/ coupled with it. Once you block- your erection is made impossible.

    The solution, looking it rationally (meaning… easy to say, difficult to do)- is to remove the fear from the sexual arousal. so when you get aroused, you don’t get overwhelmed. I think that further talking with your partner might help, and do let him know you need such talks to be limited (the concern you wrote about)- and in future sexual activities, you may want to experiment with not having erection as a goal and experiment with arousal without the pressure of erection and …. build from there.

    anita

    September 4, 2015 at 2:44 pm #82861
    Jim
    Participant

    Hello selfcontained87. I am someone who has dealt with erection problems my whole adult life. I’ve always had low self esteem and a strong “fear of rejection”. I always put tremendous pressure on myself in that I had to perform perfectly as a man should or else I would be rejected. It didn’t help that I failed at my first attempt at sex at age 19 and labeled myself as a total failure. It was always the first time with a new partner that I had problems. If it was somebody I got to know first and knew wouldn’t reject me, I relaxed enough to perform with no problems. I don’t know that I have an answer for you, but hopefully you gained a little more insight from someone who has the same problem. Take care. Jim

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