I feel that I approach things with simple logic. In a beginning level philosophy class we were taught the concept of simple logic; the if-then statement. If A equals B and B equals C, then A equals C. I take this concept and apply it to a lot in life. Especially when I have to figure something out on my own without instruction. It doesn’t work for all parts of life, but so far it has helped me make sense of some things a little better.

I agree with your analogy. We tend to go back to what we know from the past when dealing with situations that pop up. It’s hard to change the way of thinking when it has happened repetitively in one’s life. I find it hard. My logic tells me what if I do become happy? I don’t recall ever being truly happy, so what then? It changes my whole outlook, everything about me. I won’t be the same person I am at this moment. I don’t know how I feel about that. It’s good to have change in our lives, but to become a completely different person seems like you’d have to change your surroundings, the people you associate and are friends with, the job you may have, and the way you see life.

I’ve been reminded many times that I stay in my box. I’m comfortable here, and I (from others’ opinions) don’t want to get out of my box, so I should stop complaining if I don’t want to leave the box. But I don’t think they fully understand what it’s like to be constantly placed back in the box time after time only to be told that I should be stepping out. I’ve also read on this site and others, that we should try to get rid of the negative people in our life, they’re hurting and usually they try to bring us down with them. I agree. But what if the negative person is you? What if you’ve attempted to change and people just see the negative parts of you and shy away from you when you do need people in order to change? it’s a catch-22 in my eyes.

That question has been in my mind quite a few times. I feel i’m tired of trying to step out. I’ve done it so many times only to return a few weeks or months later…to the box. I have one person as support and she’s got a lot on her plate: 3 kids, a full time job, and trying to maintain a household. I understand and agree that it would be too much placed on her to always be there for me. I have to do this on my own it feels like. I don’t have the finances to seek professional help, and I don’t feel like i’m welcome in the town I live in and i’ve lived here for 10 years. It makes me isolated, whether I choose it or not, having no support and no friends makes it hard for me to have the motivation to change and do something better for myself. I’ve never really cared about my well-being because as i’ve said before I don’t feel like I matter much to myself or anyone.

And so to answer your question, I don’t know where we go from here. What would you suggest?

What i’ve discussed in this post is basically what it’s like being inside my box. The self-hatred, lack of belief, rejection, disappointment, all of it. That’s what I live in everyday. The thoughts repeating themselves over and over. The what-ifs and the conversations that I have with the people that have wronged me. The ideas of how to end it all and what I would think the responses would be from the people that say they care about me but yet show opposite body language all the time. The physical and mental stress from working in crappy jobs just to turn my financial situation around from bankruptcy. The stress of the reality that my parents don’t have much longer to live and all the struggles that they have and have had in the past. The barely existent relationship I have with my brother because I don’t want to accept who my family is and how they are. This is my box. You see, in order to get out of the box, in theory, I would have to leave all of this behind. Some of it I can, but some of it I won’t because I care too much. Some don’t understand that when you change your mindset, and you change your belief system you actually change how you feel about those around you. Some that were your best friends or a loved one, no longer matters much to you because your viewpoint has changed on life. I can’t let people go just because I care too much about them. I want them in my life. Like my friend that’s distanced herself from me. I don’t want to let her go out of my life. Same with others. They all mean something to me.

I do relate to it, but I feel i’m on the other side of the fence. I’m being left to my own misery if that makes sense. As much as I understand that people don’t want negativity in their lives, everyone experiences it at one time or another. And, what about the people being left to themselves? I feel like i’m that negative person, the one that has a lot of pain inside and doesn’t know how to fix it and all of these other people that cross my path see it and think the same thing, the “he’s negative, I can’t be around him” and leave. My point is, how do we help those who truly need the help out of the darkness? How do I help me? I’ve tried books, i’ve tried affirmations, meeting new people, going places, trying to stay positive. And nothing works for me at the time. So I go back to the box, because I know what is expected and I know it’s going to be there and it works for me for the time i’m there. That’s the problem here. I revert to the box because people see and hear my negativity and want nothing to do with it, but others wonder why I have so much to be grateful for but yet I’m too mad at the world to see it.

You bring up a good example of how depression can leave some of the most famous people feeling like they have no other options available like Robin Williams. Despite bringing laughter to people around the world, he left the world a troubled man. That brings me to a point: Not everyone is going to understand depression and its grip on the person it truly has. I’ve had people in my life tell me to grin and bear it; but it’s easier said than done for me. I have a face that gives me away every time. If i’m anything other than neutral, it shows through my face. Most times I have an angry look because I’m obviously not happy, but it also seems to intimidate some and others, well they kind of shy away from me. I’ve been told I have a pretty angry face when i’m mad. I’m not proud of that, but I don’t lie about how I feel simply because my face will give me away anyway. I can’t put on a fake smile. This is why when people tell me “fake it ’til you make it” won’t work in my case. My eyes and face give me away.

So here is my dilemma: How do I get people to understand who I am without them either distancing themselves or just not even beginning a friendship with me? I don’t understand how to do that honestly. Yes, I am not in a good place at the moment, that doesn’t mean I WANT to isolate myself or lose friends, it’s the fact that I’m having a tough time. There’s nothing wrong with that in my opinion simply because at one point or another everyone in this world will go through a rough time with something and some of them (not all) will rely on friends to get them through it. That doesn’t mean those friends are supposed to drop their whole life just to tend to their friend in need, but what it does entail is that they make them matter in life and try to help them out of the darkness they are in. At least that’s what I would do. I wouldn’t turn my back on a friend, no matter how frustrated I am with them, if they need help, that’s what I’m here for, regardless of whether I’m struggling at the moment or not. It wouldn’t be about me, it would be about them and how I can help them get out of their struggle and become a better person because of it. We don’t know other people’s struggles, we can’t know everything, but I’ve seen so far in my own lifetime too many people turn their backs on people in need and that’s sad. We deserve a better world and those people deserve the help they so desperately need too.