Home→Forums→Relationships→Peace and Happiness…..
- This topic has 19 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 8 months ago by Anonymous.
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April 15, 2016 at 9:00 am #101945AnonymousGuest
Dear JVR:
That would be fine with me. But if she reads this here, she will identify you in the new thread with the new name, wouldn’t she? Unless you are very careful.. but being too careful will take away from your authenticity. Thinking about it as I write this, I am all for your authenticity and doing what is courageous, standing up to fear, not submitting to it.
If I was you, and if I was able to handle it, I would say it like it is, not compromising myself so to accommodate the thought of her being here on tiny buddha.
So, your choice. If you change your name etc. and I do recognize you (may or may not), i will not mention it there, of course.
anita
April 18, 2016 at 8:18 pm #102187JVRParticipantDear Anita,
Thank you so much for guiding me and providing the motivation to be courageous and be my authentic self!!! It goes a long way.. I have decided to write about this 1.6 years relationship as it is..that’s the way it should be as I feel, since I don’t want to hide or run away from telling how I feel about this relationship…
It was the most beautiful, meaningful and joyous relationship, I have ever had with anyone…But..it was not an understanding one… Since, I don’t want to blame her for anything, I’m just minimizing the You did it or she did it, those kind of words.. pardon me, if it is too much confusing or being magnanimous, not to hurt anyone, even in words…
AND I QUOTE:
By all standard definitions, She used to be an energy vampire. She lived in her own self-created drama, prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. she exhausted the people around her and played games of control, superiority, and victim hood.
I’ve heard this bundle of behaviors called a “personality type,” and I think that is as obscene as saying that a hungry person has a “Hungry Personality Type.”
An energy vampire, by definition, is someone who cannot create or sustain their own positive energy, so they take it from others. An energy vampire, by my own experience of that definition, is someone lacking in self-love and trying to pull that love out of others.
Such a person is simply hungry, not inherently flawed. This is exactly who she was!! when I started to see her from a third person’s perspective…
This made me curious and intrigued me to get closer to her, to find out why is she like this? and what is making her to do like this?? Since she was my distant and far distant relative,(we live in the same city)…but relationship is distant…
So, I started getting closer to her on a normal level, everyday chats, calls and sharing common and general things…over a period of time, I came to know, she had a very trouble and abusive childhood, being the first daughter and only daughter, she had to take care of her life and her brother’s life at the age of 16. Living with an abusive father was not so easy for her…I understood that…
The real twist in her life came, when she got married, her partner was exactly the opposite way she expected him to be..more abusive and more dangerous(hurts her every single day through words and actions, but not physical abuse). He loved her so much, to an extent that, he started suffocating her…for 19 years…So, I really felt, I should really help this person to come out of her beliefs and sorrows and to comfort her, make her happy and feel loved for who she is and she was….(since I was also going through same kind of relationship issues with my partner, but not for this long)…
So, it happened that we both were looking for a vent, an emotionally supportive person, who can offer a shoulder to lean on and cry, when you feel down…a person, with whom, you can be yourself, sharing and caring about anything under the sun… and not judgmental, for who you are, but to look at you and be with you for who you are even in spite of all the flaws and shortcomings….of course, all of us have flaws..
I’m stopping here..More to come..In the meanwhile, let me know, what do you think, about my behavior in this part..Was it right for me that I did it? or should I have waited for some more time to get to understand this person better and then should’ve been closer to her as I am today? What do you think?
- This reply was modified 8 years, 8 months ago by JVR.
April 19, 2016 at 6:34 am #102204AnonymousGuestDear JVR:
In my efforts to understand you and this relationship, I have two questions for you:
1) You wrote about this relationship with an “energy vampire…prone to rages, complaints, and self-pity. she exhausted the people around her and played games of control, superiority, and victim hood”- you called that relationship “the most beautiful, meaningful and joyous relationship, I have ever had with anyone.”
What was the beauty in this relationship?
What was the meaning in this relationship to you?
What was the joy you experienced?
2) You wrote about her marriage: “her partner was…more abusive and more dangerous(hurts her every single day through words and actions, but not physical abuse). He loved her so much…”
Can you define the kind of Love her partner had for her while abusing, hurting her ever single day?
anita
April 20, 2016 at 2:34 am #102327JVRParticipantDear Anita,
To answer your questions:
What was the beauty in this relationship?: She was there for me every time, I was down, She made me laugh, be happy, confident, cry, but also, made me go through a lot of hardships as long as my personal space and time for myself is concerned. She is like a two sides of the coin(she is too good, when she is good and happy) (too bad, when she is not happy or stressed, because of her stubborn nature). I find this relationship beautiful because, she pulled me up, when I was in a time of morally low, with low self esteem and was living a life of dull and boring life(just for the sake of living) isolating myself from everyone and just spending empty and blank days altogether)
What was the meaning in this relationship to you?: As you know, I’m not living with my parents for the past 5 years, I live in a different state(but, visiting them, once in every two months). Since I was missing my mom and that feeling was lingering in me every single day, when she came into my life and started taking care of me(mostly virtually and often physically), I felt her like my mom both loving, caring, nurturing with genuine interests about my emotional and physical well being, but always strict and getting things done in her own way…this means, if she wants me to do something, which benefits her beliefs, I must do it, else, she literally threatens me that, she will leave me.. so, I used to get scared of leaving this relationship and did everything and once that is done, she is happy again and will get back to me in the same way she used to be..Now, I’m realizing that, I have exhibited the same nature which was ingrained in me by my father and I didn’t had the courage to say no to this women, when I really didn’t wanted to do it..
Now, I feel, there was no meaning at all for all the time and energy and my personal space and love, I have invested in this relationship..
What was the joy you experienced?: Being with her, gives me the inner strength, I feel like, I can do anything, if I’m with her and I will be confident in doing it, and that’s the way, she treated me…I”m not sure, if I’m even putting it in the right way, Its just a feeling, I”m not able to explain correctly.. feeling so confused…
April 20, 2016 at 8:06 am #102336AnonymousGuestDear JVR:
I think you answer question 1 very well. You made things clear to me. You didn’t answer question 2 directly, but the answer to #2 is in your post above, and the reason, I believe, that you are confused.
I believe that you are confused by the mixture of love and abuse.
You always needed love in your life but the love from your parents was conditional. Only if you followed your father’s orders, and (according to your latest post)- only if you do things your mother’s way, not your own way.
In other words, your experience from childhood is that you can get love IF you hurt yourself.
Is conditional love of this kind, saying (without words) something like: “I will love you and stay with you IF you let me hurt you and make you mentally sick.i will love you if you take my abuse.” – is that really love?
How would you know if this is the only “love” you experienced?
What if there was a love in your life of a different kind: “I will love you and stay with you AND I want you to be healthy. Your mental health is as important to me as my own mental health. Let’s make the relationship between us good for both of us, all the time. Let’s have an equal power in it, no threats but respectful conversations instead.”
I hope you do experience the second kind of love, real love.
anita
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