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Past, Present and Future_ Year Two

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  • June 23, 2016 at 7:19 am #108011
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Xena, Princess Warrior (to be):

    Lots of calculations and they all seem in themselves reasonable, well most (I doubt R-2 will get a stroke learning to launder his clothes, or that he will be doing so badly without you as you imagine). The thing is, in all these calculations, the most important element, YOU FIRST, is indeed missing. You list all the other elements when the first and most important one is missing, and so, the logic, the wisdom of the whole planning is compromised.

    You worry about your son, you worry about R-2, you worry about the cruise being already paid for, you worry about money…. but where is Nan in all of this, the missing ingredient.

    The missing ingredient, like lasagna without the cheese, like hot cocoa without the cocoa (I love cocoa)- well, I am digressing…

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 7:58 am #108013
    Nan
    Participant

    Hi Anita,
    I think it is my delusion to “control” what I can. Am not one to feel comfortable unless I have some control in situations. It is part of my “BossyPants” attitude that has given me successes in my work life and some semblance of control at home. My control at home is the bill paying, the control of doing things he doesn’t know how to do, and keeping my secrets. Nan is the one making the plans. Nan hopes that the sheer excitement of being “free” to live my next life, will not be muddied up with the guilts of stepping on so many lives that have depended on me. I left as a child-woman 40 years ago, with just the clothes in my closet and nothing else, living with mother. So, had no pressures of “stuff” to worry about, job to worry about, where to live worries.
    Life is complicated 40 years later. Cant just cut and run like I did before. In handling the worries of how they will react, gives me sense of control to not be “surprised” for the reactions. My “What If” factor bubbling up again!
    Nan,,,,she ran….when she can…….(smile)

    June 23, 2016 at 8:06 am #108015
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nan:

    Yes, I remember the running, yes. So now you are not running, you are digging yourself into a hole. Now, why did I write this last sentence (it came spontaneously)- wonder if there is truth to it…

    Maybe you are not longer running out there but have been running in circles, digging a deeper and deeper hole. Here I wrote it again (this is becoming a free-association kind of post, hope you are bearing with me).

    I took a moment and I am committed to this image I just described, the running in circles, smaller and smaller and this way having dug a hole for yourself. You are in that hole looking up and from there R-2 seems like a formidable figure, bigger than life, scary. And from that hole you imagine that you have so much power over these two men, that you are capable, by ending this marriage, to destroy both their lives.

    While in reality, you are little Nan in the hole, little to no power over these two men.

    anita

    June 23, 2016 at 1:46 pm #108044
    Nan
    Participant

    Dear Anita,
    Your examples are so clear! As someone who used to own horses, we would place them on the “HotWalker”. The HotWalker was a circular spoke large horizontal ring on a pole that moved like a bicycle wheel on its side. You would hook up your horse or two up to, and it would walk the horse in a circle, to cool down, after a race or workout. They walked around and around, and dug a rut (path) as they walked around and around on this walking wheel. The rut would get deeper and deeper and have to be filled in occasionally. I am digging my rut in the circle I am in. Smile- No power to run away since I am hooked up to the HotWalker. Time to rear up and break free! HI ho Silver, and Away! You make me smile, Anita! Have a good evening! (Francesca would know what I am speaking of, she was on a farm)…..

    June 23, 2016 at 8:40 pm #108077
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Nan:

    You are so funny, I am smiling myself. Very funny. I was thinking about you earlier, after I posted to you today, thought of what I wanted to write you next, and it was that I think the two men, R-2 and son, are probably not going to be as affected and destroyed as you think they will be. I don’t think they will be destroyed at all. I am thinking you overvalue your power in their lives. I mean R-2 is unhappy and a complainer now, so he will probably continue to be the same. Your son is an adult, already formed (passed his Formative Years), is quite independent and will probably continue his own life.

    I wonder if you will be disappointed if this happens, that is that nothing much will happen once you leave.

    Anyway, have a good night yourself and a good Friday and weekend. It is a pleasure to be communicating with you all this time and looking forward to more and more, and good things to follow.

    * The Bridges of Madison County is still one of my very favorite movies. I can imagine watching it with you one day…

    anita

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