Growing up heavily Catholic, guilt is our middle name. It is a familiar spot for me. I have been slowly unveiling that web of guilt and realizing I need to be happy, regardless of who else it impacts. That is a strange notion for me, as I have been always the caretaker of others, denying myself because it was selfish to do otherrwise I thought.. SO, the disruption and noise that will occur, just makes me step back and decide how to proceed. I do have strong conviction of what I need, and who I need, and attempting not to let the theory of the judgmental God stand in my way. It is hard to break the ” They shalt not commit adultery” rule and feel good about it. It is so much more than that, as I have said in the past posts. Again, I can theorize in my head, and have to wait for my heart to catch up to it. I have been stronger and this weekend will either blow up this complacent life, (someone instigating doubts about my “work trip” to my husband) or I will go back home and figure it out, as to how to leave, without it killing me financially or emotionally. I also am experiencing the busiest time of my work life, so trying to stay focused until I can handle the disruption and noise. That job has allowed me to finance my life as I know it, and it is specialized and would hate to lose it due to my lack of focus or ability to be dependable at work, at least til the busy time is over in May.
The right thing for me to do, will destroy others, but I cant please everyone and then slowly die inside. That would be a wasted life! I have to face the hardship, as no one can do it for me. I am aware and bracing myself for the s…storm to come. R-1 remains calm and supportive, without demanding a resolution now. He loves me deeply and wants to support me in any way possible, as I face the dragon! So looking forward to seeing my love and talking this through face to face and skin to skin this weekend and affirming our relationship and all the what if’s as we move forward.

We met for a few days over a week ago. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. We were to have 3 nights together to reconnect and plan our future. Didn’t happen that way/ Met him the first afternoon, him driving 3 hours and me driving 2 hours away to a most delightful Inn that had a magnificent suite, with fireplace and living room, hot tub in the bathroom and beautiful bedroom. Re-ignited the passion we had been talking of daily, for the last 6 months since we had seen each other last.
By the third day, his ruminating and thinking of all the issues he had left behind at home, started to show on the stoic concerned look on his face. He was over-thinking an issue at work and one at home. His ex-wife had told the grown sons that their father didn’t love, them, didn’t care about them, and that he was always at work or coaching baseball games, because he didn’t want them around or to be around them. They actually said that to him, as he was leaving for his “work-related” trip. We talked about all his worries and I tried to logically assuage his guilt and concerns with how the lies aren’t true and he needs to know that he is a good man and talk with his sons about it. Little by little, he kept getting that “faraway” look in his eyes, and I knew. I knew that no amount of logic or talking or making love, was going to get that “faraway” look to go away, except to go back home and take care of the situation at work and at home. I urged him to leave a day early and go home. I was stoic and logical in front of him. He went home a day early, with tears in his eyes, and I spent the better part of the day and the last night alone. Had time to think. I do so love him, and he loves me, but he is easily manipulated into guilt and doubt by the family that seems to enjoy tormenting him. They know he takes blame for everything and twists the knife in his back, with pleasure in their eyes. I have started to doubt that we could have a normal peaceful life, as long as this continues. I have urged him to get therapy for himself at least. He needs someone who is not emotionally involved to convince him of his right to enjoy life and stop tormenting himself. He states I am the only good thing in his life, and he will not live life fully, til he is with me. I told him the emotional baggage he brings, may not give us a chance at peace and love, as we want it. That we should go to therapy together in the future, if there is a future for us.
I continue to talk to him daily, but will not pursue any rendezvous together, until he is settled and alone in his new life. I refuse to be hurt or abused by his sons, and hope he does the same. My concerns over leaving my home seem to be tolerable, and I am stronger every day and less guilty feeling as time goes on. I will leave and pursue happiness when I am ready.

No need to comment, just had to get it off my chest. The disappointment of the reality of this, crushes me, but I will get over it. I always do. That’s me Ms. Resilience.

The divorce for him was supposed to be final months ago, but she continues to stall, get sick and cant show up at hearings, and generally continues to find ways to renegotiate the settlement, so that he is screwed on it. She has a trio of friends who show up at the meetings and say vindictive things to him outside, when he leaves the lawyer office. They continue to attack verbally and say he ” will pay” and he will never, ever ” be happy” again.. I feel we cannot go on, until he is finished with this. Such a sensitive and kind soul, I am starting to feel like he is actually “weak” and try to be neutral in my thinking. My heart seems broken, and I am just trying to keep my chin up. Thanks for letting me vent…………

WELL, now I am curious as to your thoughts. Please do comment, as I am going around and around in my head, and would like to hear your thoughts. Thank you for your time!

YOu have said what my heart and mind could not. He is WEAK. It has shattered my whole belief in him. I tear up with the deep disappointment I feel. I have had to keep a neutral face on in my home and it is shattering me, but time heals all wounds, I guess. The sadness I feel is overwhelming at times, but I only show it when I am alone. And that’s plenty these days.
Maybe it was childish of me to think this was going to be just R-1 and me together forever. I will need time to get over this, and R-1 apologies are just words right now. I have pulled back my feelings and will watch what unfolds. R-1 remains ever hopeful and full of love words for me, but my cynical side is feeling the words are just that, words. His mind cant deliver what his mouth says.
I cant think of leaving R-2 at the moment, this hurt is so raw I am in a vulnerable spot and may make a stupid decision to stay out of guilt, pity, depression or something. I have no strength to fight that battle right now. I have to regroup and put my shields up again, in order to cope. What a stupid old woman I have become. At least that is what I feel right now.

It has been over 2 weeks now since the disappointing meeting that ended early. We have spoken by phone and I have told him of the weakness I see in him and the disappointment of leaving early due to the overwhelming guilt he had from the caustic remarks of his sons and estranged wife. I told him that he was offered a choice between arsenic and champagne, and he chose arsenic.
I read some psychology books and realized the dance he has going is him being a masochist and his estranged wife and sons being sadistic. It appears to me that he fells guilty and then duly suffers and obsesses over his guilty feelings, That he feels that suffering somehow makes it feel less guilty to him, I told him of his weakness in fighting for me 40 years ago and that I have very little time to watch him obsess with how to “do right” by his family and still hold onto me.
He listened very carefully to me and took it all in, without an argument or defense. He says I am right, and he wasnt aware of what he was doing. He knows he cant be around them and the estranged wife’s girlfriends who verbally scream abuse at him when they cross paths. I told him he needs to clear his drama. I don’t come second to no one. He was heartfelt apologetic and knew that I am deeply in love with him, but this has made me unsettled and leery of us together.
Yesterday was another court date about negotiations for his divorce, that has been going on for over 18months now. I haven’t heard, since we don’t usually speak on the weekends. It will be interesting to see how this plays out. There have been delay after delay on the final settlement, due to his passiveness and his wife keeps attempting to adjust what she wants in settlement. I will be leaving R-2 sometime but don’t have a time-frame as yet. I will live independently and see what unfolds. I still cant see having a rational or normal conversation with R-2 about it and just have to drop a letter and go. It will crush him, but I cant live my life out of pity with him. Will update in the next few days, when I hear the next chapter of R-1. He has said he was all wrong to do that to me, apologized profusely and stated he is an idiot for leaving the champagne for the toxic arsenic back home. I am cognizant that actions speak louder than words. He says he will prove it to me and I await to see that.

Right on, SISTAH! Yes, the quote of Romeo and Juliet is just that- the reality that night comes and its just another night in the real world!
I am not clear if his sons hate him, or have been raised to always lay blame for problems elsewhere than themselves. It appears to stem from their mother, in that there was always blame for anything wrong, placed upon R-1/. Surprising that as an educated career-woman assistant principal/high school teacher) , she still felt that ALL blame had to be on R-1, with no accountability on herself. It doesn’t appear as the sons really hate him, as that they feel that their career and financial failures are all upon R-1. It seems so illogical to me, as I believe that in problems, we must also ‘fess up to our own hand in the problem.
His position as a high level executive frequently out of town, and then a flurry of activities and amazing vacations when home, didnt seem to please the family at home. Theri only wish was for him to stay home and be the factory line worker that he came from. His mind and knowledge got him on the success ladder, and it wasnt acceptable in the home front.
Those sons got their 4 year college education paid for , in cash, by him and had no debt. As they squandered money and were down-sized, that is how they can back home over 8 years ago. It feels like the baby birds like their nest, even though they are creeping towards middle-age with no end in sight. Their discomfort is the breakup and where are they going to live? I am amazed at all of this and with my blinders off, know this aint gonna be pretty! If they are not happy, no one in that circle should be happy, it seems.
As for my son, who is only 20, he has lots of student loans, on Deans List, and in Honors Society. It is my thought he will be fine. He was not handed everything and knows that as older parents, we do not have the resources for him to screw up and start over. He seems more mature and smarter than those two who are over 14 years older! It will be interesting to see what occurred Friday, and will let you know, when I hear. Take care, unseen but thought of often, friend!

Hello again! I have had a little distance to look at things from a more global level. First of all, I am more realistic now with the situation that unfolded a month ago, and all my lofty and fantasy ideas. What I have realized is that no one cam ” complete’ me or make me happy, only I can do that. I also realized that I had offered champagne and R-1 family offered him arsenic. He chose to deal with arsenic and missed out on the champagne I was offering. His words are sweet, kind, full of love…but just that for now……..words. I told him talk is cheap and action speaks volumes. He apologizes deeply, and I feel he is truly sorry for my disappointment and his response to the guilt they offered. His divorce will be final this week, and I will watch from the distance and see what he does.
I do have to say that the universe did give us both a gift to each of us. I was melancholy in a marriage that I had allowd to be treated as a servant, in a subservient role, and did not feel really loved or appreciated. I just felt I was loved for what I can do, not for just me and who I am. He was in a painful, hurtful, emotionally abusive situation and reached out to me in pain.
Through him, I received the gift of unconditional love, confidence and self-pride that he opened my eyes to.
He received the gift of forgiveness, the REAL truth behind the manipulation and lies of our break-up 40 years ago. I made him feel loved, forgiven, manly, and built his shattered ego up. We both served each others needs well.
I will be flying to Minnesota next week for work for a few days. He will be flying to Dallas to interview for a high level job there. It might be a good thing, as he leaves the toxic environment and needy sons behind. His only concern is that we will be farther away from each other, but I did indicate that is what planes are for. I will also be able to see how he handles the family situations that come up and see how he handles that manipulation and lies.
I now have the funds if needed, for leaving. I also now have the busy time at work behind me. I take each day as it comes, and am grateful for the lessons learned for both of us and the gift of enchanting love we have given each other these past 2 years. I now am thinking through the logistics of how/when to leave and start my new life. Every day I see the self-centeredness of R-2 and how it appears my only function is to serve him, on his time with just minor concern of what I want or need. It’s has been wonderful to know there is such thing as unconditional and charming love, even with such mature people as us. Today, I have peace within, and know it will unfold in its own time and place. Taking a day at a time!