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Partner with depression…Do they have to go it alone?

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  • December 12, 2015 at 8:32 pm #89567
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Andrea:

    Your boyfriend can’t heal alone. His injuries were caused in the context of the relationship/s he had with his… significant other or others when he was a child, that is with one or both his parents. His healing has to be in the context of a relationship, be it a relationship with a skillful, insightful, trustworthy psychotherapist and/or with a partner, you. Only you have to be the right partner, treating him with Empathy, Assertiveness, Respect (EAR), showing him authentic acceptance of all he feels at anytime, giving him the privacy and space he needs and providing him the support he needs, being gentle with him, reliable, trustworthy, NOT as a therapist like, but as a girlfriend WHILE he treats you with EAR, authentic acceptance of you, gentleness and so forth.

    He may misunderstand the nature of healing, thinking he has to do it alone. Or it may be that you and his relationship with you is not conducive to healing. You may not be the right person for his healing.

    Talk to him when you are both relatively CALM. Ask him how he plans to self heal: psychotherapy (what kind?) Alone- HOW? (reading books, meditating… what?) and discuss if he can heal while in relationship with you- what would he need from you… different than it has been so far? What does he need from your relationship so he can work on his healing in the context of the relationship?

    Remember it has to be a two way street, not you the giver of healing and he the taker of healing. You must work together, Win-Win, for both of your healing- I am sure you have some healing to do as well?

    anita

    December 13, 2015 at 4:08 am #89577
    vizual
    Participant

    When someone gets cut, the best thing a doctor can do is put in stitches. The body still has to do all the healing on its own.

    He has his own journey he is on to find the happiness in himself again. The best you can do is to respect his wishes and be there for him when when he is ready. If you try to push yourself on him it will only drift you apart.

    December 13, 2015 at 3:40 pm #89661
    Ann
    Participant

    Thank you both for taking the time to respond, it means a lot. I think you are right and will take this all on board. He needs time right now and so do i. I think I’ve just been struggling with accepting this is how it has to be right now. It just hard to watch a love one in pain and the first instinct is to try everything in your power to help which can ultimately push them further away. He knows i am always there for him, so if he needs me he will ask. In the meantime, i will focus on me 🙂

    December 13, 2015 at 6:52 pm #89670
    Anonymous
    Guest

    You are welcome. Good attitude and plan, Andrea, says I. Post again.
    anita

    January 5, 2016 at 5:10 pm #91447
    jim
    Participant

    your boyfriend sounded just like me! I was in a relationship for ten years with this girl. I was nuts about her! But, I suffered from severe depression too! And I ended the relationship cause I thought, I needed to tend to my depression and was thinking the relationship was holding me back from getting better! Well, here I am 15 years later STILL suffering from severe depression! and wishing I had that girlfriend that I left 15 year ago cause she was such a great woman!! Depression is bad!!!!! it ruined more relationships for me! I just hope he didn’t make the same mistake I did! I think if I was was you I would support him on the depression issue. But, don’t force on trying to get back together just yet. just let him know your there for him. Then see what times beings? Good Luck!

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