Cath, here’s a virtual hug for you!

It sounds like a horrible ordeal that you are going through, and I can only send my best wishes.

Coming from someone who’s parents split up and going through the arguing and all the darker thoughts about my family breaking up, it is important to try and see things from their point of view. Ultimately, if they are divorcing they sincerely feel as though they will be happier apart. There then brings the promise of much happier times for both of them, and bringing new people to your family who will give your parents each the love and happiness they deserve.

As for your ex-boyfriend, I am sorry that things did not work out. As with anything it will take time to get over it. Although hard as it may be right now, it may be the right time for you to begin to spend more time on yourself, and get to know yourself more. You have the opportunity to spend some time alone and perhaps explore yourself in a way that you haven’t been able to in a relationship. Loneliness is something that everyone struggles with at some point in time, and it is important that when they do they learn to feel content being with themselves. I know it sounds really corny, but stick with it!

Best wishes.

Dear cath:

I don’t know if you want or should answer my questions. I am a curious person as far as what motivates people and how things come about. But it is okay if you post anything you want, no need to answer me. Share anything at all, if you’d like…

anita

Dear cath:

You have no social support, as you indicated, not a boyfriend and not a parent who is there for you. Your mother is adding to your distress, not taking any of it away. It would be better for you to move out and leave your mother to attend to her business without burdening you.

How do you get the strength, you asked. By connecting with another, having some sort of social support. And until you have people in your life to support you in person, here on tiny buddha, I at the least, will be here. Every time I read a post by you, I will answer.

You are welcome here to talk to me, to others, to express yourself, your needs, feelings, sadness, anything and everything, and as I wrote, I will read. “listen” and respond. Doing this, sharing here is a proactive move on your part: you choose to do so, you initiate what and how much to share and you open yourself to feedback, and evaluating what is helpful to you, and what is not.

I find a lot of support on this forum. It works for me, so why couldn’t it work for you…?

The strength you need is within you but as the social beings that we are, we need someone to help bring it out, feel it and realize it.

anita

Dear cath:

One day it will be so much better for you, so much better. You will look back at this distress and it will be in the past, long gone. To get to that future, let us learn from the present so that we can move to a better future…

Your mother and your father are of no support to you. You need support. They are focused on their distress and are not paying attention to you. This is probably not new.

And your boyfriend who put you down- well, this was not the support you needed!

You know what is NOT support: people focusing only on their distress and not seeing yours; people passing on their distress on to you by dumping it on you and going as far as putting you down, this is abusive.

Support is when someone SEES you, see your distress and says: I see you and YOU matter. I will hold your hand until you are calm and when you are calm and feeling safe, we will figure out what to do.

Can you get away from your father’s presence? Take a walk… stay away from the two of them while still living there (the longer term goal is to move away, maybe in a few weeks….)

And now and then, you will choose supportive people to be in your life, un-choosing those who dump and pass on their distress onto you.

May you soon find peace… and until then, please post anytime, as much and as often as you want.

anita