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Painful situation

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  • May 29, 2013 at 7:28 am #36245
    Buddhist Wife
    Participant

    I’ve read your post a few times and I find it hard to work out from what you have written, what it is you genuinely feel.

    I wonder what it is that you expect from love and what you think love is. You describe yourself as being ‘attached emotionally’. Is that love to you or not? Only you can work that out for you.

    I think you have to let go of your feelings of guilt towards her. You both entered the relationship on equal terms and we all know that we are at risk of being hurt when we start dating. She knew this too.

    Getting into a relationship with someone doesn’t make you a bad person. Breaking up with someone because you are no longer happy doesn’t make you a bad person. Nearly everyone does one or the other at some point in their lives, often several times. It’s just life.

    I think it would be very unwise to make your decision from a position of guilt. I think it would be best if you put that feeling aside.

    I also think it would be wrong to make the decision through a lens of ‘what if nothing better comes along’.

    You clearly see the need to make a decision about this reasonably quickly and you are correct. I think it is important, especially for her, that you are clear. If you do decide there is no future in the relationship you need to be definitive with her. Tell her you like her as a person but that it’s over. She must not wait for you and you will never marry her. I think, if you decide to break up, it would also be wise to take a break from communicating with each other for a good few months. I think trying to salvage a friendship out of this will be very confusing for you both and will send mixed messages to her.

    You need to decide if you really love her. Ask yourself what it is about your relationship that makes you fear that you might be settling? Is it because you have unrealistic notions of what a relationship is? Do you expect fireworks every time you see her? Do you expect too much in the looks department?

    Or are your reasons for feeling you may be settling reasonable? There is such a thing as a good match at the wrong time. It may be that you want to date more women before you settle down. It might be that your attitudes to life, marriage and religion are incompatible which would make it unwise for you to commit to each other. It might be she wants to live in Korea and you want to go to California. It might be that there is just a feeling in your gut that tells you committing would be wrong.

    I hope this has helped and I hope that you find a solution.

    June 5, 2013 at 8:59 pm #36512
    StraightNoChaser
    Participant

    Hi MP,

    From what I read it sounds like you love her but you’re not in love with her. I’ve been in your exact position before. You feel terrible but don’t want to lose them or hurt them. Like a band aid rip it off. Sounds harsh but I’ve learned that when its meant to be its meant to be. When you love someone you just know. I’ve dated a lot of people and have been rejected a lot. It used to hurt but I realized that you know when someone loves you.

    The simplest answer is often the most correct. It will suck to be without her but when you meet the person you’re meant to be with you will just know and be happy you didn’t settle.

    I also am dubious of people who want to be with another person that clearly doesn’t feel the same way. Doesn’t sound like this person has very high self esteem. I know this because I’ve been there too. It might make sense on paper but if you don’t feel it in your gut don’t bother.

    I’ve been with someone who I “loved” dearly but wasn’t in love with him. I was miserable everyday kept finding little things about him I hated and would beat myself up for it. I also knew if I ended the relationship he would be devastated. But I had to and now he’s with someone who makes him happy and is doing much better in life. Love isn’t all good times but I feel like you know when you’re in love and don’t need to convince yourself.

    Hope that helped, you are not a bad person. It’s a life lesson

    I also agree 100% with Buddhist wife <— gives the best advice

    June 9, 2013 at 7:28 pm #36637
    MP
    Participant

    Hello again,

    Just want to say sorry for the late response, and thank you very much for your input.

    I agree with both of you in a lot of ways, and I feel like I came to the right place for advice. Our relationship has been very strange from the beginning, where it didn’t take the “traditional route” of falling in love, then slowly falling out of love (or love changing its shape). For me, it took time before I truly began appreciating her for who she is, and by then I had tried to break up with her twice.

    At this point, she knows exactly what is going on in my mind, as we are very close and honest with each other. She is as supportive as she can be, but knows that it’s all up to me at this point. There is no guilt involved anymore, no fear of being alone or not being able to find another. One thing that I do fear a little bit is whether I will find another relationship as intimate as this one, and whether I will find someone that is so easy to communicate with and understanding. We understand and know each other very, very well as you can imagine.

    There definitely are many positives to take away from this experience, as we both have matured through our ordeal,, and whether it was for the right intentions or not, she has managed to improve all areas in her life which I used to criticize, and I wasn’t justified in criticize them in the first place.

    All I want to do at this point is be happy and find the peace of mind that I desperately need, with her in my life. Of course, the funny thing is that my mind and heart doesn’t seem to be in synch with each other. At this point it seems like there are more fear in getting back with her, not necessarily fear of leaving her. I’m fearful of same things happening, fearful of breaking up again, fearful of hurting our feelings even more. If the same thing was happening in the States, I would definitely try counseling or therapy, but those services are not as available where I am

    As I previously stated, I’m away from my family and friends, working in a stressful environment, so I know that my personal circumstances is definitely playing a role in this situation, and vice versa.

    If a resolution can’t be found anytime soon, we are currently discussing taking time off from each other for a while (a month or so) without any contact. Even though it will be hard for both of us as we’ll miss each other, we both realize that this is something that could help us in the long run. I could use this time to work on myself, try to untangle this confusion in my mind, and see how my emotions change as time progresses. She certainly thinks that if I continue this “can’t live with, can’t live without” thing with her, we’ll be so exhausted we’ll lose any glimpse of hope of working through this in the future.

    Frankly, I’m just not willing to let her go. At least not yet. In any way possible, I want to work this out. It might sound selfish, but I sincerely hope that this is something that I can work through and strengthen this relationship in the future.

    Please let me know what you think

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