Thank you for your reply!

I agree that the fantasy and thoughts are probably different. I had a fantasy of being with him before I really got to know him and When I did get to know him, I rationalized all the bad qualities and let myself open up very deeply to him while he has barely said anything about his home life except for maybe once saying he wasn’t happy.

I really wanted him to be happy because we had gotten somewhat close but there are a lot of things that would make it wrong for me. But now that he is not confessing feelings for me any longer I feel worthless which I know is not true. He’s without a doubt the most attractive guy who has ever shown interest in me and acts perfect to everybody although he has this side to his life. Without our convos I just feel like I must have done something and that I’m not good enough. I would even be fine knowing it was just a friendship and not long for him but he is not allowed to call or text me from his cell phone, can’t email, and I’m not sure how I would ever see him again.

A lot of it is that I dont understand that dynamic in his marriage and I want him to choose my friendship in real life over that rule imposed on him, but he is currently choosing that life.

I agree it is much deeper than that. I definitely don’t want to be that person and I know it never ends well. Most of my interpersonal relationships. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents and I tend to pick female friends who don’t seem interested in my life. Im also in a new city so I feel incredibly lonely and wonder if I made a mistake moving. I have gone out with new coworkers but feel stressed with the new interactions. Sometimes I feel like he is actually my only friend, although there are a couple acuaintances I talk to.

I definitely will not be the one to contact him and will see what to do when he contacts me. I don’t believe in ghosting but I am aware that it needs to end. My only regret would be what if we both were available at one point and I lost my chance but this experience does make me see that it would have soured a real relationship and I that I won’t want him once I am happy with myself. I love relationship books actually so I will look into that.

Thank you, I feel like things were good while I was a child, although there was some distance with them. When I started to get older, my mom and dad became especially petty and condescending. If I made comments about a friend or boyfriend issue they would go on and on about what I could have done wrong and that it was my fault if another person treated me badly.

When I left for college it was like I went from a smart girl that wanted a good job and good husband to acting completely different. I partied and drank a lot, fell in love constantly with everybody, neglected class to sleep or party, and I know it was my fault. My parents were paying but I felt like I was doing something I didn’t want to do and they didn’t listen to any of my cries for help. They would yell at me but I was solely focused on finding that one guy.

Since then I have had some bad jobs and a failed marriage but I feel like I can get along okay with my parents now. I’m seeing now that I’m not necessarily in love with the man but he is representing something addictive and desirable to me.

I think in their minds they were not hurting me. I was given strict rules but still with a bit of freedom. But when I got older they had the attitude of it not being their problem. And I had the attitude that I was going to party no matter what. Even if I didn’t listen to them I feel they still could have said something. I feel like most parents would try to boost their child’s self worth.

I am trying to think about what he represents to me. He is 10 years older with teenage children which makes me think he’s a loving and caring person. He has been with his wife since they were 20 which is cute and I’m jealous because I always wanted the high school or college sweetheart. He supports his whole family even though we were working low paying jobs at a manufacturing facility. He has a cute house that they have been working on together for years.

Since I have gotten older I am actually more interested in going a non traditional route without kids and letting go of that marriage fantasy but I still can’t seem to shake my fantasy of a life with him even though he has a completely different life than me. He indulged me talking about my interests and dreams to work a better job and take time for hobbies and it seemed like he wanted to do these things too. I felt like I could help him get out of the house and do things as he never got a chance to and didn’t have much leftover money. As I mentioned before he talked about his kids but only one thing about being unhappy at home.

It’s kind of odd now thinking about how I thought something could work out with us. I don’t feel like I could ever be a step parent and there is this side to him where I know he pursues other women. I honestly don’t know I am seeing him differently than what is really there?

That definitely shocks me to think about although I have wondered it before. There was a very strong sexual attraction on both ends, but there is probably some truth to that. I actually found my self visiting her social media pages and looking at her pictures, because his wife doesn’t have one. I figured I would possibly be able to compare myself to the wife that way but I did find my self oddly jealous of the daughter too. It was weird, seeing her look happy and having fun when her parents supposedly had a tumultuous relationship. I am closer in age to the wife but I often wonder if he compared me more to the daughter by being at a different place in life. However he is not very mature emotionally so I don’t know whether my emotions would be a turn off for him or not. He did tell me he was searching for someone to love him the way he loved me, but I don’t know if that was even true or just a way to try to get me to sleep with him.

I also felt like when we were working together I was trying to seek approval and impress him as well as talking about what was bothering me. There definitely was a hint of a parent child thing going on. I have had other older friends though with children and did not feel this way. I have completely idolized this ones looks and personality even though I know I would not be happy long term.

I have been trying not to look at the pictures now because that is kind of creepy but I did feel some jealously that she does seem happy and cute and the wife must be the same. I still care about why I’m not good enough to be somewhere in the picture I guess. I would be fine if he had never approached me or I had turned him down from the start but he continued this chase and got under my skin.

I agree. The whole thing was intoxicating, I was pretty much in that constant state of excitement for over a year. I have endlessly daydreamed about all the ways I could be in his life, from being friends with the wife or even the daughter. It does seem extremely odd now. However when I learned he could not have female friends, the attraction to him as a partner grew to be very intense. Luckily though I have reminded myself that I would not want him to leave his family. I know logically I do not need his approval or admiration to live my life but it seems impossible to get to the other side.

I have seen therapists but never for a long period of time, usually just addressing the issues of a current relationship. Although I do want the family, I make bad relationship choices. I pick a lot of avoidant men who make me clingy, or I pick the needy ones who make me lose interest and I search for the affair or laying the groundwork for a new relationship. I don’t think I’ve had one that was completely healthy. The married man did tell me I reminded him of his mom who had depression so maybe we both see something in the other. I did not see that as a good thing. I wanted to be the cool girl with him but eventually I let him know some of my darker thoughts and experiences.
Everything that you mentioned draws me to him and it does feel like all the needs are coming together. I know now though I’m not really that special because he is probably pursing other women even though he wants to stay in my life to some degree.