I am amazed that I have been led to this forum today. My higher power must be showing me that although I feel completely alone right at this instant, that I am really not alone in my feelings. I too am having misgivings about my recently exposed inner feelings to a school classmate that I have spent countless hours studying with this semester. As a 56 year old man I am working towards a nursing degree in a highly competitive scholastic environment and struggling to keep moving forward. The pressure that I placed on myself this semester was extreme and overwhelming.

The semester recently ended and my female studying partner and I passed what I consider my most grueling class to date. We became very close as I spent more hours studying with her to pass this class than I have with anyone else in my life. l began studying with her and never considered anything but that. In fact I can honestly say I never even noticed her for the first four weeks of class. We were brought together when we both needed to figure out how to pass this class we were both failing. Circumstances seemed to placed us together and we both responded by motivating each other to keep going and not give up on the class. We both talked about it through the semester while studying together and talking about our test grades. At some point during our marathon study sessions she looked deeply into my eyes and we shared intimate feelings about our lives. We shared our past failures and dreams for the future and marveled what had led us to be together at the moment.

I don’t know what overcame me at that one encounter, but when it seemed she was looking into my soul seven weeks ago, I allowed myself to become completely overwhelmed by an emotion that I had not felt in twenty five years. This was the only the second time in my life I gave way totally to my inner feelings and truly recognized I was in love with a woman. I had buried my emotional downfall with this old girlfriend twenty five years ago when I was twenty eight. It seems that she was ready to settle down and the clock was ticking telling her she should get started with a family and I was not ready to be the man that could provide a living and start a family. I had just started a contracting business and was following a dream to be in business for myself which was viewed by my soul-mate as being unstable. We had been together for nearly eighteen months and she was beginning to become aware of the biological time clock for starting a family. She finally transitioned over to a younger man than she by four years who was a year into being a Navy SEAL. We kept in touch for several years and I finally gave up the friendship as it was too painful for me to handle.

Here I am twenty five years down the road, after marrying someone I truly did not love and having two children to keep her happy. The two boys have survived the breakup intact after getting divorced fifteen years ago the animosity we felt between us has dissipated.

The feeling I had buried for my first true love twenty five years ago mysteriously surfaced seven weeks with my friend and here I am again in the same place I was financially twenty five years ago. I am working on a new career plan, but not stable enough to carry on a relationship. Up to this point I have not crossed the line romantically because I do not want to end the close relationship I have with her right now and she is reeling from a frighteningly possessive lover that was in the picture nine months ago. We both are working towards our goals in college and see that as the most important goal we both have. She is turning thirty one in a month and is starting to talk about the baby she wants to have within the next four years. We have a twenty five year gap between us that neither of us seem to find a barrier. Amazing as it might seem, I have thoughts of turning my best friend into a lover when we are both ready. Even more frightening, I can see myself wanting and planning for a family with her. I was just thirty when I got married and became a parent way before I was ready too. I have told my special friend that I would love to have a second chance at the life I was never ready for.

The thing is, I opened up and told her about my feelings and it did not seem to rock her. I said how I think it would be like a dream to be best friends with someone and have them turn out to be my lover for life.
We are not romantic as of yet but we both care for each other deeply. As of the last two weeks something has changed and the time we spent together on a daily basis studying and appreciating each other has ended. She has begun to distance herself from me and we do not talk everyday as we did just a couple of weeks ago. When we do it is intimate like best friends, but the magic I felt emanating from her has gone away.

I feel so empty inside that we are not together the way were three weeks ago. When I e-text her now I do not even get a response for several days. This has left me vulnerable to my insecurities and feelings that I cannot seem to change. I am frightened that I will end up carrying this feeling again with no resolve for another twenty five years. I do not want to chase after her and yet I do not want to feel this emptiness I am carrying around. My mind has lost it’s focus and I am crying a lot. Completely out of character for me.

I am amazed that I ended up at this website and reading the shares above. In my little world I am alone (studying of course) and would never have contemplated that I have read what I have tonight.