Hi Bell

One of the purposes of relationships is to discover ourselves and become conscious. We tend to do this the hard way. For whatever reason when everything is going our way we tend not to learn much.

Anita will likely help you sort out your thoughts, however I would like to comment on your statement: “I know life is in my control, but i feel like everything is in a mess and i need help.”

There is a Hermetic saying/riddle As “above so below as below so above”. Psychologically this points to the truth that we are influenced by factors outside our control with the possibility that we can also influence them.

The reality is, is that the majority of our experiences are influenced by factors outside our control and or that we are not conscious of.  We think we are responding and making choices when we are not. In most cases we tend to react to life. “As below so above” however suggests that change we have influence over starts from the inside. Even this however isn’t so much as control as it is about influencing and allowing. The moment when we attempt to control we tend to grasp and want things to look and be a certain way causing us the miss opportunity.

I guess what I’m saying is that as you move forward and learn the lessons you need to learn from your experiences don’t focus to much on control. If you can, when you can set time aside practice embracing uncertainty. “Enjoy the beauty of becoming. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.”

Dear Bell,

I agree with what Peter and Anita have said above.

The early traumas associated with your childhood are affecting your present life and relationships. If you can acknowledge that you can be toxic in relationships, then you are able to remedy this. It’s really only the people who can’t or won’t admit their own faults that cannot work to get past them and into a better place. It’s a hard, often lonely path to travel, but have faith in yourself. You can get through this.

As Anita has suggested, this would be better with some kind of quality psychotherapy and I agree – it’s a lot to tackle on your own. Can you visit a doctor and get medication for depression for a little while, for example? Might a doctor recommend some therapy for you?

i can’t even focus in work and study. and i feel terrible knowing my future is at stake. i feel my whole life crumbling. facing him everyday and seeing him happy like his usual self, it hurts so much to see that he can move on with life.

Take a leaf out of your ex’s book, and be a happy self.. even if it is so hard to do, even if it’s just on the outside.  You also need to move on with your life. Try to show everyone, outwardly at least, that you are moving on. Your thoughts will catch up with your outside demeanour eventually… give it a try. Smile. Go and find your friends again, if they are true friends, they won’t mind that you neglected them for a while.

Be glad for him, that he seems able to move on. See if you can find some way to try and do the same. It must be so hard when you have to work with someone that you previously had an attachment to. Would it be possible for you get a transfer to a different space – a different office maybe? Or look for a different job?

with best wishes,

Jay