fbpx
Menu

Overwhelmed

Home→Forums→Relationships→Overwhelmed

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • #236345
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucy:

    You wrote: “About my parents’ fights.. I would listen toĀ  them and stay quiet calm I guess… thinking about the practical side and not trying to think of the emotional side and how I felt. I would mostly remain calm”- Your parents fighting scared youĀ  intensely and you adapted by going numb and rational, calm in the face of disaster. The price you paidĀ  for this adaptation, or adjustment, is ADHD elsewhere, outsideĀ  the contextĀ  of their fights. Calm when they fight; hyper later, elsewhere. The fear of their repeatingĀ  fights, calmed during theĀ  fights, was unsettled in between the fights, leading to that hyperactivity.

    You wrote about your boyfriend: “He hasĀ  been critical of my being too loud, enthusiastic, too talkative to strangers”. My question is was he critical of you being loud, enthusiastic or too talkative only whenĀ  in public where there wereĀ  other men he wasĀ  afraidĀ  you will hook up with later, or otherwise, in private or with his family and friends???

    You wrote: “He comes from a close knit family that emphasizes the importance of communication and talking out issues. His parents areĀ  loving and still kiss, have fun, cuddle, dance in the living room”- IF your boyfriend was critical of you otherwise (regarding my question above), it isĀ  a possibility that his parents managed their lovingly appearing marriage by being very restricted, self controlled, rational, quiet voices…Ā  no passion, no spontaneity and therefore there was a quiet kind of desperation, a hunger for more but settling on an appearanceĀ  of love that didn’tĀ  fool your boyfriend.

    He then wants passion from you but restricts it at theĀ  sameĀ  time. On oneĀ  hand he is attracted to the passion that drives your impulsivity, and on the other hand he is afraid of it so he discourages you from expressing it.

    You wrote: “My boyfriend feels I haveĀ  never known what heĀ  wants or given him my loveĀ  freely and passionately… I had always felt some kindĀ  of restriction in my relationship because I had this feeling of soĀ  many expectations… of doing whatĀ  is right, what isĀ  bestĀ  for the relationship”- maybe he wantsĀ  passion but isĀ  afraid of it; maybe he expects to conduct the relationship with you the same way the relationship between his parents was conducted.

    If this is the case, then the relationship itself is discouraging you from expressing yourself spontaneously, encouragingĀ  instead your continuing the adaptingĀ  behavior to your parents’ fights, the numbing and then, later, the hyper/ impulsiveĀ  behavior elsewhere.

    I hope to read from you soon.

    anita

     

     

    #236861
    Lucy
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I’ve had a busy couple of days. Busy at work, a lot going on emotionally. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and couldn’t stop crying. Today is the first day I haven’t felt like breaking down and crying. I’ve had talks with my boyfriend some that ended in him wanting it to be over, others where he wanted me to show him I really love him and some in between.

     

    Yesterday we we had a ā€˜good’ night in the sense that we connected and we’re close physically and it felt as if some anger had shifted. Today I receive angry or short text messages from him where he calls me a slut. I am not sure if it’s completelt correct but am drawn to you statement of ā€˜him wanting impulsivity but discouraging it at the same time’.

    He said he wants me to be impulsive and open also in sexual ways which he felt had been missing. Which I really want to try and I think he’s so handsome and attractive but I’ve kind of switched of this feeling. He is hurt by my betrayal of course which is completely natural and he’s 100% right I feel so guilty and truly regret it. But he’s also hurt by the fact that I’ve showed this very thing he never got from me and craved to strangers. This impulsivity and spontaneity that made him fell in love with me but slowly disappeared.

    I feel guilty and acted harshly or quiet angry/frustrated to him and now I try to act more calm and less defensive because he’s hurt and I did this, I want to make it right. I try to kiss him even though I’m afraid he won’t let me because that’s what he wants and I actually now he wants me to show him I truly love and desire him. But him calling me slutty and a whore and him not wanting to be with someone slutty makes me feel small again and makes me hold back. I don’t want to take it too personal in the way that he’s angry and hurt right now and his words maybe aren’t what he really wants to say right now. But it isn’t the first time he has said this. I understand him saying it in the light of my betrayal and sexual missteps (understatement but don’t know how to put it). But he is also saying it about previous sexual encounters I have had when we weren’t together so I feel as if he really thinks that way. He wants me to be one way but than discourages it with others but that just makes me defensive and small and make me act in a different way with him. Kind of hide this side of me. I don’t know what I can add, just wanted to share this feeling with you.

     

    thqnk you for listening. Thank you, John for your kind words

    #236867
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucy:

    I will be able to read and respond to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours, looking forward to read from you when I amĀ  back.

    anita

    #236955
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Lucy:

    I think it is time toĀ  end this relationship.Ā  Apologize one final time and move away from him for good. Clearly keeping it going is hurting you, but it is also hurting him. So do whatĀ  is right for the twoĀ  of you.

    His feeling that you are a wh(*& and a sl*&&, these may have pre-existed you in his life, meaningĀ  something he felt before about women.

    Nonetheless, this feeling is now cemented in his mind regarding you. What sense would it make for you to live your life as these things in your (future) husband’s mind? Every time theĀ  thoughtĀ  and feelingĀ  occurs to him, there you are, thoseĀ  things: Ā  a wh(*& and a Sl*&&.

    If this relationship had a chance of working, that would be perhaps if the two of you attend quality couple counseling for at least six months of biweekly sessions, I am thinking, in which his mistakes as well as yours will comeĀ  to light, and I don’t know if he willingĀ  to confront those..?

    anita

Viewing 4 posts - 16 through 19 (of 19 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.