Hi John

Thank you for your blunt message that I needed to hear. I don’t mind anyone being blunt because what happened happened and I should deal with the consequences. When listing all the mistakes and betrayal I did in the past, it becomes a list of moments where I was so drunk and just followed my desire and need for attention instead of taking a moment and hold back to think about the consequences and hurt it would put my partner and me through.

Im not a heavy drinker in the sense that I always drink. I’m 23 years old and my friends and I often go out (not this time though I want to focus) and the last year or so I feel I have gotten better and there were many occasions where I just ordered water or a soda in a club or bar when everyone else was still boozing. But still there were moments that I did drink excessively, all moments in which I ended up in tears opening up to a friend about me not feeling well or end up cheating. Sometimes even all of this together. So I really here you when you say alcohol is a red flag! It is, especially when I’m not  in a good place and haven’t opened up about my feelings to someone. I’m going to stop drinking alcohol for a while, both because I’m not in the mood to go out but also because I want to be awareness of my feelings and actions since I haven’t really been for most of my adult life. I thought I was but realize I wasn’t.

You’re completely right about the truth tickle and I realize that even now that I said everything he will still wonder. That’s why I want to go through the thoughts and emotions I had when betraying him and the thoughts and emotions I had when I continued lying. This is hard and I don’t know if it will make things better or worse, but I want to be completely honest and give him a sense of control over the truth. So at least he knows everything and knows more than the parties involved in the infidelity who I never shared these emotions with.

About the letting go. This one is really difficult (obviously it always is) because space is not what he wants from me. Even though he might need it, my not being there and not giving him the attention and love he desired has been painful for him. What I can and want to change is act how I’m feeling and show him I love him and want him since I never really did. I do however realize he might need space and try to give it to him by saying ‘You do not have to make any decision, your feelings must change every hour or day and that’s totally fine. I am here for you and will share my feelings with you regardless if you want to answer or share something or not. If today it feels good to kiss me, but tomorrow it doesn’t that’s okay. I am here and willing to make a change for you, for myself regardless of what you end up deciding ‘

I’m not sure if that’s the right way but I feel like I have to reassure him and let him feel I desire him love him and thinks he’s great because that’s a feeling that was missing for so long.

Dear Anita

I’ve had a busy couple of days. Busy at work, a lot going on emotionally. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and couldn’t stop crying. Today is the first day I haven’t felt like breaking down and crying. I’ve had talks with my boyfriend some that ended in him wanting it to be over, others where he wanted me to show him I really love him and some in between.

Yesterday we we had a ‘good’ night in the sense that we connected and we’re close physically and it felt as if some anger had shifted. Today I receive angry or short text messages from him where he calls me a slut. I am not sure if it’s completelt correct but am drawn to you statement of ‘him wanting impulsivity but discouraging it at the same time’.

He said he wants me to be impulsive and open also in sexual ways which he felt had been missing. Which I really want to try and I think he’s so handsome and attractive but I’ve kind of switched of this feeling. He is hurt by my betrayal of course which is completely natural and he’s 100% right I feel so guilty and truly regret it. But he’s also hurt by the fact that I’ve showed this very thing he never got from me and craved to strangers. This impulsivity and spontaneity that made him fell in love with me but slowly disappeared.

I feel guilty and acted harshly or quiet angry/frustrated to him and now I try to act more calm and less defensive because he’s hurt and I did this, I want to make it right. I try to kiss him even though I’m afraid he won’t let me because that’s what he wants and I actually now he wants me to show him I truly love and desire him. But him calling me slutty and a whore and him not wanting to be with someone slutty makes me feel small again and makes me hold back. I don’t want to take it too personal in the way that he’s angry and hurt right now and his words maybe aren’t what he really wants to say right now. But it isn’t the first time he has said this. I understand him saying it in the light of my betrayal and sexual missteps (understatement but don’t know how to put it). But he is also saying it about previous sexual encounters I have had when we weren’t together so I feel as if he really thinks that way. He wants me to be one way but than discourages it with others but that just makes me defensive and small and make me act in a different way with him. Kind of hide this side of me. I don’t know what I can add, just wanted to share this feeling with you.

thqnk you for listening. Thank you, John for your kind words