HomeāForumsāRelationshipsāOverwhelmed
- This topic has 19 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 5 months ago by
Anonymous.
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November 11, 2018 at 5:56 am #236345
Anonymous
GuestDear Lucy:
You wrote: “About my parents’ fights.. I would listen toĀ them and stay quiet calm I guess… thinking about the practical side and not trying to think of the emotional side and how I felt. I would mostly remain calm”- Your parents fighting scared youĀ intensely and you adapted by going numb and rational, calm in the face of disaster. The price you paidĀ for this adaptation, or adjustment, is ADHD elsewhere, outsideĀ the contextĀ of their fights. Calm when they fight; hyper later, elsewhere. The fear of their repeatingĀ fights, calmed during theĀ fights, was unsettled in between the fights, leading to that hyperactivity.
You wrote about your boyfriend: “He hasĀ been critical of my being too loud, enthusiastic, too talkative to strangers”. My question is was he critical of you being loud, enthusiastic or too talkative only whenĀ in public where there wereĀ other men he wasĀ afraidĀ you will hook up with later, or otherwise, in private or with his family and friends???
You wrote: “He comes from a close knit family that emphasizes the importance of communication and talking out issues. His parents areĀ loving and still kiss, have fun, cuddle, dance in the living room”- IF your boyfriend was critical of you otherwise (regarding my question above), it isĀ a possibility that his parents managed their lovingly appearing marriage by being very restricted, self controlled, rational, quiet voices…Ā no passion, no spontaneity and therefore there was a quiet kind of desperation, a hunger for more but settling on an appearanceĀ of love that didn’tĀ fool your boyfriend.
He then wants passion from you but restricts it at theĀ sameĀ time. On oneĀ hand he is attracted to the passion that drives your impulsivity, and on the other hand he is afraid of it so he discourages you from expressing it.
You wrote: “My boyfriend feels I haveĀ never known what heĀ wants or given him my loveĀ freely and passionately⦠I had always felt some kindĀ of restriction in my relationship because I had this feeling of soĀ many expectations… of doing whatĀ is right, what isĀ bestĀ for the relationship”- maybe he wantsĀ passion but isĀ afraid of it; maybe he expects to conduct the relationship with you the same way the relationship between his parents was conducted.
If this is the case, then the relationship itself is discouraging you from expressing yourself spontaneously, encouragingĀ instead your continuing the adaptingĀ behavior to your parents’ fights, the numbing and then, later, the hyper/ impulsiveĀ behavior elsewhere.
I hope to read from you soon.
anita
November 14, 2018 at 12:08 pm #236861Lucy
ParticipantDear Anita
Iāve had a busy couple of days. Busy at work, a lot going on emotionally. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and couldnāt stop crying. Today is the first day I havenāt felt like breaking down and crying. Iāve had talks with my boyfriend some that ended in him wanting it to be over, others where he wanted me to show him I really love him and some in between.
Yesterday we we had a āgoodā night in the sense that we connected and weāre close physically and it felt as if some anger had shifted. Today I receive angry or short text messages from him where he calls me a slut. I am not sure if itās completelt correct but am drawn to you statement of āhim wanting impulsivity but discouraging it at the same timeā.
He said he wants me to be impulsive and open also in sexual ways which he felt had been missing. Which I really want to try and I think heās so handsome and attractive but Iāve kind of switched of this feeling. He is hurt by my betrayal of course which is completely natural and heās 100% right I feel so guilty and truly regret it. But heās also hurt by the fact that Iāve showed this very thing he never got from me and craved to strangers. This impulsivity and spontaneity that made him fell in love with me but slowly disappeared.
I feel guilty and acted harshly or quiet angry/frustrated to him and now I try to act more calm and less defensive because heās hurt and I did this, I want to make it right. I try to kiss him even though Iām afraid he wonāt let me because thatās what he wants and I actually now he wants me to show him I truly love and desire him. But him calling me slutty and a whore and him not wanting to be with someone slutty makes me feel small again and makes me hold back. I donāt want to take it too personal in the way that heās angry and hurt right now and his words maybe arenāt what he really wants to say right now. But it isnāt the first time he has said this. I understand him saying it in the light of my betrayal and sexual missteps (understatement but donāt know how to put it). But he is also saying it about previous sexual encounters I have had when we werenāt together so I feel as if he really thinks that way. He wants me to be one way but than discourages it with others but that just makes me defensive and small and make me act in a different way with him. Kind of hide this side of me. I donāt know what I can add, just wanted to share this feeling with you.
thqnk you for listening. Thank you, John for your kind words
November 14, 2018 at 12:15 pm #236867Anonymous
GuestDear Lucy:
I will be able to read and respond to your recent post when I am back to the computer in about sixteen hours, looking forward to read from you when I amĀ back.
anita
November 15, 2018 at 6:14 am #236955Anonymous
GuestDear Lucy:
I think it is time toĀ end this relationship.Ā Apologize one final time and move away from him for good. Clearly keeping it going is hurting you, but it is also hurting him. So do whatĀ is right for the twoĀ of you.
His feeling that you are a wh(*& and a sl*&&, these may have pre-existed you in his life, meaningĀ something he felt before about women.
Nonetheless, this feeling is now cemented in his mind regarding you. What sense would it make for you to live your life as these things in your (future) husband’s mind? Every time theĀ thoughtĀ and feelingĀ occurs to him, there you are, thoseĀ things: Ā a wh(*& and a Sl*&&.
If this relationship had a chance of working, that would be perhaps if the two of you attend quality couple counseling for at least six months of biweekly sessions, I am thinking, in which his mistakes as well as yours will comeĀ to light, and I don’t know if he willingĀ to confront those..?
anita
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