Dear Tom:

You wrote earlier: “I don’t like games, if I like someone I like them and if I don’t I would tell them so everyone knows where I stand”- this is what you need from her so to reduce your anxiety.

Problem is we get so anxious that the amount of reassurance and comforting we need from a partner can be overwhelming to the partner and harm the relationship, bringing about the exact thing the person fears-the ending of a relationship.

It is possible though to bring this issue up in a conversation and agree on a way to get that information you so desperately need (where you stand with her) without it being overwhelming to her. The two of you, in theory (and I hope in practice, some day soon) can agree on a particular communication (phone, text, email) every day, a particular time perhaps when the two of you check with each other, tell the other what is going on and how one feels about the other.

It is a matter of moderation and balance, to do so in a way that is casual enough (so not to be overwhelming to her) yet helpful to you.

anita

Dear Tom:

If you would like to describe the last time you saw her face to face, the conversation you had and what happened then, please do. It might be helpful for my understanding.

anita

Dear Tom:

Why didn’t the two of you talk about anything serious last time; was your get together rushed, having had a time limit not allowing for any serious talk?

anita

Dear Tom:

You didn’t have to bring the same exact topic on the next get together. There are other topics that can make a serious conversation. Reads to me that you would have benefited from getting to know her better and to get to know her better not talking “about anything serious, just had some food etc” couldn’t teach you anything new and interesting about her.

The more you know about a woman, the more answers you have, the less the anxiety bothers you with questions.

One more thing: how is a relationship to progress, how is she to form a stand about you, if nothing of substance is going on, such as a conversation of substance.

anita

Dear Tom:

I don’t know what you should do now. If she contacts you then you will have another opportunity to get to know her better and to make it possible for her to get to know you better. If you get that opportunity, I hope you do just that, have a serious conversation.

It is almost like you presented yourself to the woman and then you are waiting for her verdict. Based on an initial presentation, like in a job interview. Waiting for an answer. The recent date, during the date itself, you were waiting for the result of the initial interview, reads to me.

It needs to be, the dating needs to be a series of ongoing efforts to get to know each other, not an initial presentation of yourself and then the waiting for her verdict.

What to do now? Maybe you can suggest to her a specific thing to do if you get together, that is, instead of generally asking (again, I suppose) when she is available, you can ask her to go to a particular movie, or to have a meal with you.

anita

Dear Tom:

If you look back into your experience in relationship, see in retrospect what worked and what didn’t work. Stop doing what didn’t work and try something new.

There is a middle ground between pressuring a woman to become exclusive and having serious conversations, that is, non-superficial conversations, but conversations about feelings, motivations, experiences in life. It doesn’t have to be very heavy or very light. There is all the in-between.

You wrote that during the second time you continued to get to know her. What did you get to know about her the second time that you didn’t know before?

anita

Ok so, I’m in high school and I’m really confused. So there’s this guy I liked throughout the end of 8th grade until the beginning of 10th grade, it was always on and off type of thing ig for me. He was difficult, but so was I. He like people but he was weird with relationships, he didn’t want a relationship but he wanted like a friends with benefits, sort of thing. I honestly just wanted someone there for me and like just to enjoy spending time with. I was always so freaked out and shy on dates whenever we tried that out. But like so was he, so it was really awful lol. Then there was this girl lily who was really gorgeous, and he started to get a thing for her, and like that hurt. And so one day he gets the “courage to tell me” that he liked both of us, and that he chose me. And I know like that when u like someone there shouldn’t be a choice but sometimes we just can’t help ourselves, it’s natural to like multiple people, but he shouldn’t have told me that. But at least he was honest and stuff! He was always straight up with me which I respect. I mean we were still kids and stuff so as much as I’d like to deny it, I was kinda childish, ugh 9th grade me is blah. Haha. Anyways we were close, I told him a lot of stuff I never even told my best friends or my parents. He was always one to listen. And I would’ve done the exact same for him. And did. We would text and call a lot. Some of our calls were really long, 6hrs one time. So yea we really liked eachother, I’m really confused if I loved him or not. I’m pretty sure I did at one point, but just little things kinda made it go away. Like I’d walk up to him and his friends and then he’d grab me and like touch my butt. But 9th grade me was naive. I’m pretty mad at myself taht I let that happen. I just liked him so much idk. But yea. So 10th grade me got control and had an idea of what I wanted. And just cut him off. He knew he did jerky things to me. He’s texted me “hey” a couple of times this year but it led to a short convo and that was it. So second semester me. Last night we had a concert and I kept practicing and he’d say “you got This girl” as a joke. And idk weird stuff lol. TAHTS just how he is. And kept saying hi to me. We had finished a dance show last night and I’m packing up all my costumes and all of a sudden i see this yellow rose ,that our teacher got presented, get dropped right in front of me and I’m so confused liek “was that for me?” And I’m sitting on the floor asking to my friends “did u see who threw that?” It wasn’t a rude throw like it just plopped right in front of me. So I was confused but I just packed it like “aw that was sweet”. So I go out to dinner with family and during dinner HE texts me liek “did u get the rose” and I knew it was him, deep down I knew there’s a possibility it was him. So then idk all these feelings come back. So now I’m confused ugh! Someone please help meee!! Like what should I do? I said thank you ans everything for it. Just liek I said after that we texted a little. But then he just must’ve gone to sleep. Because he never responded but didn’t leave me on read.