Overthinking is destroying my relationship and myself

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This topic has 19 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 7 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 17, 2016 at 2:57 am #115399

Sarah
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Anita,

In addition to my response, I’d like to also mention that I have read Healing Words topic of how to open up, and I kind of relate to what she said in terms of ” I think part of my problem may be genetic or upbringing since my brother is similar to me in that we have little to no friends, do not show affection toward others and have never been in a relationship well into our adulthood. However I am aware that I can one day turn this around if I change. My dad tended to be absent in stages of my life due to work but I would still see him at night. I was described as a happy baby and child, rarely cried always smiled and I guess that was true until I was about 5.”
But I wasn’t bullied, and I did have good amount of friends but general friendships not deep ones, I always felt left out and alone, not always welcomed, I always had fear of being abandoned, and I always kept things to myself and looked miserable all the time, that is why people used to call me “emo” back in middle and high school. I literally cannot stress how much I fail at showing affection.

September 17, 2016 at 3:23 am #115400

Sarah
Participant

Anita,

Sorry for the three posts in a row.

I was also going through Midnight’s post. The fact that she is married and feels trapped in these thoughts and there’s no way out.

I mean, I don’t want to get married to him and still remain with these thoughts and remain trapped in them and be unable to walk out of it, this will make me miserable. That is why sometimes I feel it is best I walk away and save him from this drama, and save myself from this guilt.

Sorry.

September 17, 2016 at 4:41 am #115403

Midnight
Participant

Dear Sarah,

I hope you don’t mind me writing to you even though you addressed Anita, but as you gave me as an example I would like to answer to that.
I would like you to know that I feel other things as well, not only trapped. Some of them are good things which I am happy about, and which are possible thanks to my husband. Also, I don’t feel trapped all of the time. So it’s not all misery and despair as it might seem to you right now, or to me sometimes.

I am not saying you should marry your boyfriend, nor am I saying you shouldn’t. I really don’t know and you probably don’t at this time either and that’s ok.
But I would like to tell you that taking the decision to get married has also brought me some relief from the doubts and the worry, because it is easier to accept this as a given situation, whereas when you’re not married and have these doubts, you know the possibility of a breakup is very present and real and it doesn’t always help to know that. Of course you can always get divorced as well, but it’s different. Marriage is a commitment and that can be scary, but it is also good to commit to something and to someone that way.

I don’t remember if you mentioned how old you are and whether or not this is your first long relationship?

To me it is easier now to see my patterns because I am over 30 and have had a few long relationships and also some shorter ones, so I know this always happened to me at some point. But when I was still young and inexperienced it was much more confusing and hard to tell.

September 17, 2016 at 9:07 am #115409

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Sarah:

Your distress is tangible to me: I can feel it and I am sorry that you are struggling as yo do. I read your latest posts. I will write to you what I think in a very straight forward way:

I think you were and are very, very hurt by your parents, and angry but you feel guilty for the anger so you pushed the anger down and refuse to be aware of it. But the anger will not disappear, no matter how hard you try to make it disappear. It is that anger that is fueling your ROCD. It will not allow you to have a healthy relationship until you become aware of it.

Psychotherapy with a competent therapist as soon as possible, Sarah, before you terminate this relationship, is the answer. If you terminate the relationship, you will feel relief but it will be temporary. Therapy will be difficult but I believe it is necessary.

Post anytime.

anita
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