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Overthinking is destroying my relationship and myself

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  • #115145
    Sarah
    Participant

    Oh, and I feel like he knows that I am always contemplating, but he is still sticking around, quite tolerates me and handles me well, if it were another guy, believe me he would have walked away long time ago.. Should I confront him about my anxiety if it doesn’t wear out when I change my lifestyle? People are encouraging me to keep myself busy and change my lifestyle, maybe this will help. <Maybe because I have so much time on my hands that all I do is overthink about him, maybe I should distract myself and this may help the situation. Basically, since my lifestyle changed ever since he walked in my life, I probably saw it as something bad interfering in my lifestyle, changing and altering it, maybe I should go back to my old hobbies and keep him in my life, maybe things will get better.

    #115167
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear sarahk:

    I don’t have the answers to all your questions except for one: “Am I experiencing the normal stage of a relationship?” No.

    Anxiety predates your relationship and runs through it. Life for you outside of a relationship is less stressful, so no wonder part of you is trying to motivate you to end this relationship: the relief of anxiety is very tempting, isn’t it?

    Psychotherapy with a competent, empathetic therapist is necessary for you, I believe. The origin of your anxiety needs to be looked into. The origin, likely in your relationship with your parent/s.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #115178
    Midnight
    Participant

    Hi sarahk,

    I have suffered all my adult life from similar issues in every long relationship I’ve had (sometimes even in short ones).
    I have looked for answers online and in therapy, and I believe I might be suffering from Relationship OCD (ROCD).
    It sounds like it might be something you could identify with as well if you look it up.

    With me it was either about the relationship not “feeling” right (for example, with one of my ex’s it was mainly about the fact that I’ve never felt “in love” with him and I took it as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be), or the person having a flaw or some flaws I felt I couldn’t live with (I’m not talking about serious flaws like being abusive or irresponsible or anything like that). These thoughts get worse and worse until I break up the relationship and then I feel relief, until the next relationship where the pattern repeats itself.

    The problem with this is it is so vicious, I am never sure if my relationship really is “wrong” or if I really have such an issue. I’ve never suffered from other OCD type symptoms. I always have this doubt – what if I just never found the right person for me? What if I just keep making the wrong choices and I actually need a completely different type of person to the one I usually choose? It really is an awful feeling as it is keeping you away from the one person you’re supposed to be closest to and ruining every bit of positive feeling between you, and in your life in general as a result.
    So I can really relate to what you are feeling.
    I must say this is hell on earth and it is definitely the worst thing I have ever had to deal with, and I went through some stuff that other people might consider tough. They were nothing compared to this hell that you can’t even share with anyone. Because who will I talk to? I don’t want my friends and family to know I have such thoughts about my partner…

    If anyone has any insights or advice, I would love to hear.
    Thank you for reading.

    #115207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear midnightradio: since this is sarahk’s thread, if you’d like other people to reply to your post, people other than the original poster of this thread, please start your own thread: click FORUMS, choose a CATEGORY (RELATIONSHIPS), click it, go down the page to the empty box. You can copy the above and paste it there. Would like to reply to you on your own thread.
    anita

    #115215
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sometimes I do feel like ending things with him so I can live with a peace of mind.

    Part of me wonders if I feel anxiety and stress maybe because I am forcing my feelings towards him and maybe they are not there? But I do cry everytime I think of leaving him, because he is part of me, and I would like to keep him and spark the magic between us, however feelings cannot be forced. My confusion is starting to waver between the fact that do I love him or Am I forcing myself? I feel it’s creating a cloud of worry that shouldn’t be there, something I created from my own imagination.

    And about my parents, how are my parents related to this? I mean I am 25 and still live with my parents, I find it hard to express my love to them or any of my close friends, I always have this feeling of rejecting any action of love towards me. But my relationship with my parents is okay, but I don’t express a lot of love towards them and they know that its difficult for me however my actions and the things I do for them imply that at the end of the day, I care about it and that’s it. I do feel hate in my heart and the readiness to neglect people like it is something I enjoy or something.
    Is it the relationship my parents have together is affecting me? They love each other but I don’t see it, it is not evident, it is very limited, especially that my dad has been depressed all his life, he doesn’t show love to mom much. Could I have been carrying the same symptoms?

    Thanks for the advice Anita, psychiatrist may be an option, but I am trying to avoid that, what would my boyfriend think if he knew I have a therapist? he will freak out and misunderstand me, and I feel like each person should be able to handle their thoughts and not look for someone to explain it to them.

    #115230
    Midnight
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Thank you, I have started a new topic and added my text there and elaborated a bit more, it would be great if you could respond to me there, if you have time and energy of course:)

    I do feel from what I’ve read here by sarahk that she might be suffering from ROCD, it is still not a very recognized and researched aspect of OCD but it is starting to be.

    So sarahk, maybe it is something you could look into, just read about it or speak to a therapist about this, it has helped me tremendously to realize I was suffering from this because I could then look at this from a distance and tell myself this was all in my head and I didn’t have to engage with these thoughts so much. It can really help to put a name to what’s troubling you.

    Good luck.

    #115232
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Midnightradio,

    Thank you for your reply and advice about this. I will look into it. I also sometimes find that I am very much related to borderline personality disorder, which is quite confusing.

    I have never went to a therapist before, and I kind of finding it as if I am surrendering to my disorder by going to a therapist which I find quite devastating. I am trying to handle the thoughts myself first then see if I need a therapist, but it seems that it is going nowhere…

    #115237
    Midnight
    Participant

    Hi sarahk,

    It might not be helpful or reassuring to you to think you might be suffering from something like that, as it is to me. Also I am not saying you are – I am not a professional and don’t know you so I really can’t tell. I was only suggesting that in case you find it interesting to look into that, but of course it doesn’t necessarily apply to you.

    I do encourage you to try and speak to a therapist in any case, because it appears to me that you are stuck in a thought pattern which is making your life difficult and speaking to a professional can really help with that. It absolutely does not mean you are crazy or helpless or have any kind of disorder.

    I see it as simply shortening the amount of time you spend stuck in a pattern, because your issues might resolve themselves eventually, but it will probably take you longer to get to that point then it would take if you saw someone. And in the meantime you are not feeling too good so it’s just too bad to go through that all by yourself.
    This is how I see it anyway.

    #115249
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Sara,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this, I feel we both have the same issue. I do pray to God, that he gives us the strength to stay strong and keep our relationship even stronger.

    i panic and feel anxiety every time my boyfriend discusses the future, I feel like it is so stressful and I am not ready, or I cannot stay under the same roof with him and all of those thoughts in my head you know? he will eventually find out there’s something wrong with me..

    #115258
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * Dear Midnight: as I wrote to Sarah on your thread: please address only the original poster (OP) on any thread and the OP here is Sarah.

    Dear Sarah:

    You mentioned seeing a psychiatrist. I suggested seeing a competent psychotherapist- big difference as psychiatrists prescribe drugs as their main function if not the only function (in the U.S.)

    I read your latest posts. I suggested in my earlier post to you that the origin of your anxiety is likely to be in your relationships with your parents as a child. In response, you wrote: “I always have this feeling of rejecting any action of love towards me. But my relationship with my parents is okay…”

    Your relationship with your parents may be okay but it is not loving from your response. You wrote that you “always have this feeling of rejecting any action of love toward me”- you mean by your parents, as well, correct?

    A child doesn’t do that- a child does not reject love. A child needs love like it was oxygen. At one point in your childhood you rejected some acts or expressions by your parents- for a reason.

    What happened between the time that you needed their love like it was the air you needed to breathe AND the time that you rejected their acts or expressions of love or love-like- that is where the origin of the anxiety is located, I believe.

    This is why competent psychotherapy can help. You have lots of work to do in that setting because you are troubled by these symptoms that are indeed categorized in the groups of OCD (ROCD) and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Symptoms vary while the core issue is the same: excess, ongoing fear, aka anxiety.

    Post again, anytime.

    anita

    #115334
    Sarah
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I see, I don’t really go with medications and things like that, so thank you for pointing out the difference.

    I mean, I can’t remember how my childhood has been, but it was quiet depressing if I look back, but I was too young to realize that. But now if I rewind and look back, I go like what a life I have been living, my parents were most of the time stressed and miserable, where they too busy or too occupied to show me the love I need? We moved out to a different country and lived all on our own as a family, we neglected everything and everyone back in our hometown, we left everything behind. So as a child I never really had a lot of family interactions or celebrations, it was very limited and within our family only. I can’t remember as a child if I was rejecting love from my surrounding, but I definitely do now.

    I love my family that’s for sure, but I am very cold and not very kind or care-giving, I replace my expression of love with generosity and with things, like buying things and giving it to people, I find it the best definition or form of love expression. Even my family, I always lend them money because they are my family at the end of the day the most important thing in life, but still keep a straight face and remain formal with them.

    Sometimes my mother tries to discuss this and says that my actions show that I am cold-hearted and cruel (with no intentions to hurt me, most loving mother ever), but I can’t seem to find an explanation to her argument. She tells me once you get the attention you need, you just back out, you keep backing out when someone runs after you and showers you with love.

    It’s very hard to explain how I feel about love, but it is always black and white, never grey. I want to welcome love with arms wide open, but there’s always this block preventing expression. All of my people who are around me call me mean and cold, with a straight face on, and it is true, I seem so but I am unable to prove the opposite. PS: I was always labeled as a depressed person since high school.

    #115350
    Midnight
    Participant

    Dear Sarah,

    Disclaimer: I am not a psychotherapist or have any training in Psychology, just a participant reading here and giving my personal insights.

    I think from what you are describing you might have developed some defense mechanisms as a child. Maybe you felt that you parents had no time or attention for you, or they did but not as much as you needed, so you became detached and cold to counter that. Something like, “ok well I don’t need or want you either, I can manage on my own”.
    It seems that now as an adult you somehow repeat your parents’ behavior with you towards other people – you only take care of the material side of things, giving presents or money, as I can imagine that your parents clothed and fed you, but the emotional part is lacking.

    I am sure you are not really a mean and cold person inside, and if you present such behaviors it is probably because as a child you developed them as a strategy to defend yourself from feeling unwanted and hurt.

    #115360
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Sarah:

    A few key quotes from your last post:
    * About your parents during your childhood: “my parents were most of the time stressed and miserable.
    * About your mother: “most loving mother ever”
    * About your feelings: “I love my family that’s for sure, but I am very cold and not very kind or care-giving”

    This is my understanding at this point. Hope you consider it and let me know what you think of the accuracy or lack of accuracy of my understanding of your childhood and your situation:

    As a child you were neglected, unseen, invisible to your parents. They were not attentive to you. You were lonely. No matter what you felt, you were alone with your feelings. As strong as your feelings were, there was no one that noticed. There was this void, this island of aloneness, a little girl alone, unattended.

    You loved your parents, emotionally attached to them, as children naturally are. You needed their attention, their noticing you, telling you what is going on inside of you, make sense of the thoughts and feelings that you didn’t understand.

    But they didn’t attend to you. Without their attention, you were stuck with feelings that grew stronger and stronger, with no guidance so to understand what they mean and what you should do about them.

    Those feelings were a mixture of love for them, a continuing need for them, anger at them for not seeing you, not attending to you, fear of your own strong feelings, your own anger, what your anger means about you (being a bad girl).

    And now, at 25, you are still misunderstanding your anger at your parents. You think it means that you are “very cold and not very kind,” that you are “mean and cold.”

    Reality is: you are misunderstanding your anger: your anger is about not having been attended to. It is about your love for your parents not having been returned. Your anger makes you look cold, unkind, mean but the valid message in it is not that you are a cold, unkind and mean person but that you were an unloved child who is still invisible to your parents, still misunderstood.

    The reason you analyze anything you feel and doubt so much is because as a child you were left alone to figure out what your feelings meant and you were not equipped, as a child, to do so. You needed your parents’ help to figure that, and you didn’t get that help.

    Your thoughts and feelings?

    anita

    #115396
    Sarah
    Participant

    Midnight,

    That might be true, but I can’t have a clear memory of how much my parents were around. All I know they weren’t very happy. And yes, I do have this behavior of neglecting people instantly and assume that i do need anyone, I am better off alone, and I don’t have the urge to open up, I find it unnecessary. It just hurts me and tears me up that I am still confused whether it is really my childhood that is making me like this, or it is the fact that I do not love him and I am using my childhood as an excuse.

    #115397
    Sarah
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for writing back, True, my feelings were to myself only and I remember clearly that I always had this thought that I will keep things to myself and people need not to know how I feel, they wouldn’t understand. I would like to mention that I am also very sensitive and take things personally. However, I don’t think I was invisible in the family, my parents were too occupied with problems.

    I am not angry with them at all, I understand where they were coming from, I understand the problems that we went through and I don’t blame them for being occupied. The things we went through is just out of hand.

    I firmly believe I was loved by my mother at least, maybe not dad, but she tried her best to give me the attention I need. Even now my parents mention that I should be more tender hearted and nice, they would love it if I am kind towards them and say nice words and such when they are trying to be loving and caring, but I just refuse and turn away.

    Really bothers me and tears me up when I read the words that I may be angry with my parents, I can’t imagine that I would be angry with them because I do love them at the end of the day, and I know they tried their best to be there for me and provide me with all the things I need in life (I’ve attended the top school and university), even if they failed, at least they know they tried amidst all the bad times. I feel sorry for them and for myself for the things that we had to deal with. Even now my mother passes by my desk she sees me sad she hugs me and holds me cuz she can tell when I am upset and when I am not.

    And about my doubt for my feelings, probably yeah, and I didn’t get the help I needed because I did not open up to begin with.

    I have a strong tension over my chest, because I am considering leaving my boyfriend, I still can’t seem to find the answers to whether I love him or not, and it is killing me. I cannot keep leading him on, the guy wants to marry me and I am worried to marry him and live miserable all my life for still wondering whether I love him or not, I don’t want to repeat history of living miserably like my parents. I am so lost, so lost, maybe I just don’t love him and I am pressured to love him back?

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