Goodness, this sounds like it could have been written by my ex. The negative self defeating thoughts and paranoia are so similar…..This is a very complicated one, and hard to give advice on because only you really know where your issues come from or what triggers them. I can give you my amateur analysis from what I understand of this type of dynamic.

There are several things in play here, self esteem, self image, self love, insecurity, fear, paranoia, ruminating worry. The last three are the manifestations from the lack of the first three. I give you much credit that you can see it is in fact negative insecurity, you admit that you know your thoughts are irrational. As being someone who has suffered anxiety and panic attacks and who has seen someone I care about have them also. I know that when we feel these things we absolutely BELIEVE their causes are life or death situations. Nothing anyone or even what we can tell ourselves is going to drag us back to reality. Its a very difficult place to be in, and can only further to damage our psyche and confidence.

You are having these thoughts because some primal instinct within you is reacting to preserve yourself. It may seem for good reason but the problem with this defensive bubble is that there is only room for one, and the other is left our in the cold away from your embrace. This primal instinct is even more powerful than your logical brain, it even has the ability to hijack your cognitive ability using your logical brain to justify valid reasons that your primal reaction is in fact warranted. You switch off all ability to discern between thoughts and feelings and see everything through a black and white filter. Facts are replaced by feelings, and perceptions are absolute. Understanding this can help ensure while your fight or flight response is in high gear, you can keep yourself somewhat calm. Knowing that you are not thinking clearly, you are having an episode and at all cost, do not react, or act while not thinking straight.

You need to find out why dating and relationships plays to your insecurity or self preservation instinct so badly. Generally it has to do with our core wounds. Something from our past, that traumatized us so badly, that our psyche has developed intensive defensive mechanism to avoid or deal with similar in the future. The problem is even the most innocent of comment or action can be perceived as an offenses gesture, thus being referred to as a trigger. Core wound could be something like, having been cheated on by someone you loved, being in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, even something like being bullied at a young age, or not having a strong bond with our original care givers can be the source. The point in all this is that we do not have a healthy sense of self. Something about our personalities never developed….. usually its our emotions and ability to manage them and discern the good ones from the bad, logical from irrational. When the core wound occurs it stunts our emotional growth, which affects our ability to think comfortably about who we are and moreso our ability to interact with others in romantic relationships.

Specifically romantic relationships, because these require much more of us than just friendships. A romantic relationship demands love, and you can not have love without trust, communication, and vulnerability. We can not trust others if we dont even trust ourselves. We can not have honest communication with others if we can not even have honest conversations with ourselves. We can not be vulnerable to others if we dont even know we truly are deep inside. Our defenses of core wounds not only serve to keep others our, but they keep us out as well, its called denial. We will control what we show others and what we dont. Only giving them bits and peices of ourselves, letting out as much line as we are willing to loose. Not loving with all of our hearts and minds, because we are reminded of our core wounds and how traumatic the experience was. We vow to never allow ourselves to deal with such a thing ever again and more than likely because we never really dealt with it or got over it to begin with, its simply repressed.

Something about your dynamic with this person triggers this trauma. Thus activating your primal instinct, to either avoid dealing with the problem and experiencing pain or to continue to repress the problem from the past that remains unresolved.

I read a lot of fear in your post, you are afraid he is using you, afraid he isnt attracted to you, afraid his jokes are hinting at some truth about yourself…… Something that may help is try to put your feelings aside and look for the facts. What facts or evidence do you have that proves you are being used, he isnt attracted, or that his jokes arent simply in poor taste? Fear is healthy when it keeps us alive, the flight or flight instinct. However, there is also fear that keeps us from living, that can also tigger our instincts but keeps us closed on a box removed from the greatest experiences being a human has to offer. An emotionally mature and mentally healthy person can discern between the two. The fear you feel comes from somewhere, be it fear of intimacy, commitment, or abandonment. All these problems arent relationship killers persay…. but the one thing I see that will ultimately cause these problems to continue is your fear to communicate with him.

This was a big issue in my past relationship. I was afraid to communicate my thoughts and feelings to him for fear of his overreactions. He was afraid to communicate to me as he was unsure of himself, and did not want to burden me with what he knew was his irrational thoughts, paranoia and worry. No one was talking, no one was communicating. We were both operating off of assumptions, and acting and reacting off half truths and the lies we were telling ourselves, because after all that’s all the limiting fear is, lies. We were afraid of loosing each other, and thats exactly what we got. Reactions and action based in fear will always yield the self fulfilling prophecy.

You say he gets frustrated, I can understand that. Being on the other side of this situation with a person who suffers from what you do. It can be emotionally draining. Feeling like nothing you can ever do is good enough, never knowing when the next trigger will occur and argument ensues over what I felt to be a non-issue. Its like walking through an emotional mine field, never knowing when you’re going to step on the next one. You feel like you will never understand this person as there is no pattern or predicable method to the madness. It all resides in their head and you are helpless to do anything about it. However if he wants to be in a relationship with you. He needs to understand and respect this is your reality. He needs to be mindful of his actions that can trigger this thinking, and be supportive and comforting when it does occur even if it seems for no reason at all. This much I can not say I was great at. There was defiantly more I could have done to be understanding and patient. Not to act in ways that triggered him, and take responsibility for my part.

I would suggest seeking a therapist. However counseling will be useless if you refuse to be honest and open and objectively receive whatever input a professional may have for you. You are going to need an ability to objectively consider all factors about the way you’re acting. Your denial and instinct will attempt to disrupt this. Your denial will tell yourself, “we have been hurt, we are this way for good reason” and that may be, but the follow up question is, “but is this reason allowing me to live my life to the fullest and truly getting what I want out of it?”

My ex always sought to make me responsible for his reactions, never taking accountability that his reactions are his own, regardless of my actions which were simply triggers to deeper issues within himself that he was not ready to admit none the less deal with. It was because of what I did, that was the cause of his feelings or reactions….. Although ultimately I have to own my actions as playing with fire. A relationship takes two, both parties holding themselves responsible for their actions and reactions. Fighting fire with more fire just burns everyone. Point here again being communication, with yourself and with him. If you dont communicate the seeds of resentment are planted, they will grow like weeds and choke out the bountiful garden that you are trying to build with this person.

I could keep going on this topic, as I am very familiar with it, having dated someone for a long time who was prone to the exact same thinking. To leave you I will suggest you really do some hard reflection, think back about your past make peace with whatever you find and start living in the present, and not thinking to much about the future. I tend to be more on the psychological/scientific side of things. However one thing I have learned from this site, is that our ability to keep our minds in the present and accept just being. Can cure a lot of the pain and suffering we cause ourselves by our thoughts, about our troubled past or fear of “what might be” down the road. Just enjoy the fact that today, you have someone in your life that cares about you, you enjoy his company, and yesterday is only memory, and tomorrow will be what it will be. I can only control *myself* in the here and now. This isnt an issue with just this relationship, its going to be a pattern until you can get it figured out psychologically or spiritually and learn to be more present. Best of luck!

• This reply was modified 10 years, 8 months ago by Chad.

BellyButton,

Insecurity is the result of low self-esteem, as you well know. Perhaps that is what you truly need to tackle. When we feel this way we tend to criticize everything in and around us, further adding to the jar of chaos inside of us, creating imbalance within ourselves. Countering this will require time, practice but most importantly effort.

Learn to understand that no matter what we may appear like on the outside, that we are all beings who possess some form of suffering. In this realization, we are all connected. Learn to feel that a complete stranger suffers similar, or worse, difficulties than you do. When you come to instinctively see everyone in this way, harmony will find its way within your heart and you will be able to effortlessly connect with others.

It’s very likely that your boyfriend is another being like you and me: on a continuous journey to further understand and better ourselves. Therefore, please do not idolize or idealize him. If you simply treat him with the care you would like to treat another human being with, you will find that there is a unity and bond that can never be severed.

Best Regards,

Al