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Opposites attract…?

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  • #100627
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maritzarivas:

    You wrote: “When it comes to love; I am the ‘forgive and forget’ type, no matter how great or small the issue is. I like to keep the peace so I can focus on greater things, like, bettering myself and the relationship”

    It seems to me the problematic difference between you and your boyfriend is not the three year age difference or the cultural thing but this: while you have the mental clarity and peace of mind necessary so to be able to “forgive and forget” and focus on greater things, he does not have that mental clarity and peace of mind.

    And not because he was born that way, with that kind of personality, but because there are issues from his past that keep bothering him. It is his past, not your past, that is troubling him so much. His issues from his past keep coming up as his projections of these issues into his relationship with you.

    If he gets “convinced” on one issue, it is temporary: another issue will come up and on and on the pattern of being troubled by this or that will go on. Because the real issues are in his own past and have no been resolved.

    Best for him to attend psychotherapy with a competent, caring and hard working therapist. In addition or without, it would be best for him to open up to you about those issues if you are capable of listening to him without judgment, as a good friend. Let’s say his issue is that he was severely rejected by his mother (and/ or father) and is still hurting. That hurt is still active in his brain. Sometimes he is distracted from it, sometimes he gets a break from it, but it is bound to make itself known again, this old hurt. So he shares, you listen, your feedback would be about you being ON HIS side, not on the side of the parent that rejected him, not going that way (the honor thy father and mother no matter what), but being strictly on his side, listening to him with empathy. That will relieve his hurt, so that hurt will not keep pushing itself into the present circumstances.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #100704
    Ganesha11
    Participant

    Thank you for your reply Anita.

    It’s as if you would know more about him, which is entirely correct, he carries his past with him, unfortunately, and that is correct…he is not at fault nor was he born this way.

    His mother left them, when he was a young teen, for about a year. Without warning or explanation. His father and mother always had a very complex marriage as far as he can remember (his own words). He never did feel at peace or loved growing up. He later felt a sense of being when he met his then girlfriend, they later got engaged. That ended terribly for him as she had cheated on him numerous times when he was deployed. That took him into a deep depression that lead to his release from duty as they thought his mental/emotional instability made him incompetent for their high demands.

    We tried therapy the first time around, before breaking up. At first, he was optimistic and felt it was the best thing we could do, even though I was the one that dragged him there. It only took 3 therapy sessions for him to call it quit. He is aware that his demons, as he calls it, from his past affect his present and will always be present now or in the future. He is extremely stubborn and thinks/states he is auto sufficient and no one can help him, as he needs no one but him, and me, to get him thru this. The first time around, I promised him and I tried my best to help him. There was a night I recall we talked for hours and hours about his past. He cried, I cried. It was so good to hear him open up about things so deep that he had never spoken about with anyone. I started to put some of the missing puzzle pieces together. And understand him in such a way I never did before. Prior to this long talk, I thought all his scares and insecurities came from his ex-fiancé. These were battle scares much greater.

    I felt an obligation to him after that. I felt I needed to keep my promise to him, no matter what. For the love I have for him as my partner, and for the person that he is. I tried and tried, until I realized I was only hurting myself. I started to realize there was no way I could help someone who didn’t want to help himself but depended on someone to do it for him.

    Do you think it’s possible to get thru this dilemma without him seeking therapy/counseling?

    #100706
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maritzarivas:

    I would like to re-read your post after my morning walk and respond then. It will help my understanding if before I am back you can tell me why he quit his therapy after only 3 sessions? Did he not like the therapist (possibly it was not an empathetic or competent therapist)? Also, did he come up with ideas in conversations with you about how he intends to deal with his demons, as he calls them?

    In what ways does he think that his relationship with you is all he needs? is there any work he has been doing in the context of his relationship with you toward his own healing?

    anita

    #100967
    Ganesha11
    Participant

    Hello Anita

    I apologize for the delayed response as there is a lot going on.

    First and most important: there is no more relationship. We spent the weekend discussing these issues that he is not convinced of, we contemplated the relationship as a whole and came to the conclusion that it is best we part ways. By participating in this forum it helped me to realize that, yes, it was not our cultural differences or age or lifestyle but our perspective on what a relationship should be. How we communicate and resolve these issues that keep coming up, as he is ad feels he just can’t and won’t overcome them.

    To answer your question, he quit therapy because he did indeed think the therapist was incompetent and not for him. As he has quit other therapist in the past for the exact same reason. We are speaking of someone who believes he is “auto sufficient”, who needs no one and is perfectly fine with the issues he has within himself. He basically refuses to get help for something he knows will continue to hurt him, in relationships, all his life.

    He is aware that I did all I could and love him like no other and vice versa. On a level of 1-10 I can make him experience love and happiness at a level 10, i.e. cooking him a special candlelight dinner, letters, notes, songs and so on. As on a level of 1-10 I can make him experience a 12 just by saying in an argument the simple words of; “you’re being ridiculous”. He feels pain at a greater level then he does happiness, even though the love he gets/feels from me is unmeasurable, he will always feel his pain in greater. This truly saddens me, because he is a great person who deserves to be happy and experience love in a natural way where he doesn’t have to question it so much. With or without me I wish he could heal from “his demons”.

    As you can see and stated yourself, it is a cycle that will always continue. There will always be reasons for his discontent and pain. And when he accepts this as his weakness and defeat, well, it hurts me. Hurts me greatly that it has to end this way. Knowing the amazing person and boyfriend that he can be, and knowing he has the potential to only be better if he could seek help for himself. I truly love him, I care for him and have always been supportive and tried to help him overcome this, alone and by suggesting he seek therapy. I did this with the best intentions of getting him better for him, without any interest in gaining anything for myself.

    This time around I have some peace in knowing I did everything I possible could, as well as he did. And at the same time it crushes me, having a divorce under my belt and a failed 10 month relationship. How can I continue and be optimistic about love? What advice can you give me?

    Thank you, again for your replies.

    #100985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear maritzarivas:

    You did all you could and there is nothing more you could have done to make this relationship work.

    If only the people we deal with in our lives were their highest potentials! The world would be a far better place. In reality we have to see people as they are. I think it is better that this is over. There was much more heartache for you to come if this relationship continued.

    I understand the pessimism you feel, the love you still feel for him.

    Having a divorce under your belt and a failed 10 months relationship means that two men you were with were wrong for you on the long run. On a Relationship Resume, that wouldn’t look too bad. (A relationship resume… I wonder if it is a good idea to have one and what the format would be like. Of course, verifying it would be a big problem in more than one way)

    Please do write more. You read as a very reasonable woman and I like your writing, being clear, realistic, kind. I do hope you feel better soon. I will look for another post from you in ten hours or so, Wednesday morning my time (WA. USA)

    anita

    #101023
    Ganesha11
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I highly agree, there was nothing else I could have done to make this relationship work, prolonging the relationship with high hopes, in me, of making it work would only hurt me more in the long run.

    I come to the understanding that there is nothing wrong with my perception of relationships and love and this was all but a mismatch. Someone not meant for me. And although it makes me pessimistic at times, when it comes to love in general, I know it’s temporary. As I am a hopeless romantic, who believes her soulmate is wondering somewhere among-st this earth. And it’s only a matter of time before we can meet.

    In the meantime, I will continue to work on me, especially with the breakup. It’s not easy to pick up the pieces and rebuild, but, I know I can and will make it out even stronger than I initially came into the relationship. I have made it through a divorce and came out happier than I ever was. I can make it out of this relationship too.

    Relationship resume; what would that even look like? – Agreed, good luck with the verification (lol)

    Thank you so much for your criticism, I have always found an escape when I write. I truly enjoy it and free myself when I do so, it’s a way to unclutter my cluttered mind. I of coarse plan to continue posting in the forums, I have highly enjoyed it, this is my cup of tea!

    I appreciate your feedback, thanks again for your advice!

    Maritza

    #101027
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Maritza:

    I am glad it is your cup of tea too, so we can have tea together! Absolutely glad you are here!

    Regarding the Relationship Resume idea, maybe there is something to it in this regard: you wrote that you are a hopeless romantic, and that you believe you have a soulmate out there. You also wrote that this man was a mismatch. This is making me think:

    this man was not simply a mismatch. He had serious problems that he didn’t want help with, not professionally and not in the context of a relationship with you (being “auto sufficient”)

    In a Relationship Resume, a resume only for your use at this point (nothing put together for the reading by a future man), you may want to indicate this very thing: a future man to be considered must not be an “auto sufficient”- he will have problems, as all humans do, but he must be motivated to share those and work on them with you as you do the same with him, so you help each other.

    This way you learn something specific and when you meet a man who is … auto sufficient (not really, of course), you will not be a hopeless romantic, but a realistic romantic. Through a Relationship Resume you can get a better and better idea of what your soulmate will talk and act like, so when you detect him, you will identify him as a potential soul mate (to get to know better and evaluate through a period of time)….

    Looking forward to your writings here and anywhere else on this forum.

    anita

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