*wasn’t abused because of who I am

I respect your decision. Please feel free to resume contact if you ever change your mind.

Hi, Reader:

I found this topic very interesting. I wanted to create a reply. Thank you Anita for resurrecting this thread!
Anita mentioned:

“we need to accept that we were victims when we were victimized as children, to thoroughly understand that we were innocent, blameless, and that the much older/ adult victimizer was the guilty party. We have to accept that we were truly powerlessness at the time, that there was nothing we could have done to prevent what was done to us.”

I saw this and a mix of emotions ran through me. Throughout my whole life I was called ‘victim’ and it was a negative thing. ‘Oh look lea is having a pity party again’ etc. I fought against and still kind of do fight against the label. I was bullied throughout school, physically and emotionally. All of that pain I felt was always minimized by the teachers and adults in my life. ‘It’s normal kids squabble all the time’ but looking back I’m certain that what I experienced was not a ‘squabble’.

I will say with honesty that acknowledging what I experienced as bullying or abuse is difficult for me. Because I know many people have had much worse experiences than I have. If you feel this way I want you as the reader to remember: “you can drown in one foot of water and in ten feet of water. It doesn’t make the pain/consequences any less.” your pain is valid, and things still hurt regardless of what caused the hurt.

I agree with Anita. I think that accepting that you were innocent when you were victimized  is important to heal. But I also think it easier said then done. Just as with many things in healing, accepting such ideas, (especially when the opposite of what you want to believe has been drilled into you since you were a kid) can be really difficult. Healing in general is so hard. They say it’s much easier to break a cup than fix it. Just to clarify, I’m not suggesting you’re broken or anyone is broken, I’m using this quote as a metaphor for “ pain is easily caused but healing that pain is much harder” healing from trauma/pain is a journey, one that I believe lasts a lifetime.

to conclude and remind you, I believe in you. I’m so proud of how far you’ve come in your healing. I’m so proud. What you, dear reader have experienced is valid. What you’re feeling is valid. You are enough as you are. You are whole right now as you read this. I wish you love on your healing journey,

Lea

I’m glad Anita. Have a wonderful evening.

Wow Anita. Yeah I will definitely think about it. I never thought about it that way. Thank you.

Good morning  Anita,

It’s Lea, again. I’m back on this thread.
I have been really thinking about this reply for a long time. I think I’m ready to reply.

Just as you mentioned that my pain is being ignored by others, any my natural instinct is to amplify it. It sounds absolutely horrible but I’m going to be completely honest here: when I was in 5th and 6th grade there was a girl in my class who had cancer. Everyone doted on her, people brought her cupcakes and sweet treats, They cheered her on, They talked to her checked in with her, they helped her to her seat, people said hi to her in the hallway, the teachers brought her stuff, she was given teddy bears and the whole likes of it. For a little while I thought that maybe if I had cancer people would finally love me and have sympathy for me. I remember wishing I was sick with something. Looking back I realize that I was wishing for more pain and hurt (that maximization) so that maybe finally someone would understand and help me.

Another example is, one time a long long long time ago I purposely cut my finger. Nothing major, but enough to have my parents worried about me. I wanted them to be concerned about my pain I wanted sympathy, I wanted to be cared for in the way that a hurt individual would. In everyone’s minds- except for yours here Anita and a few other members- my bullying isn’t considered trauma or pain. It’s considered normal.

I have also begun to notice that I still express pain or look to express pain so that other may understand or sympathize with me. Which is exactly what a ‘victim’ does. This is part of the very reason I chase people away- because I’m often too open about myself and experiences- some examples of this are: recently I slipped in the mud but instead of changing I decided to get my pants covered in mud on the fronts and put some mud on my face so that when I went back to my parents they’d want to ‘take care of me’, another example is when I went to camp way

back, I remember complaining about how horribly I was treated at school. Even though I was kinda ‘over it’ I still cried and was upset about the whole situation so that others would sympathize with me and/or take care of me. For the first time- they did. But eventually everyone was tired of me and annoyed with me and stopped talking to me- with good reason.

In conclusion I’d like to thank you again Anita for all of the replies, kindness and information you’ve given me. I now, I was wondering how do I stop the response, how do I get rid of this seeking. Because if I know anything about myself it’s that the sympathy and the ‘love’ will never be enough for me and I’ll keep seeking this kind of support for stupid little mistakes all my life hoping to make up for the complete lack of support I received when I was bullied. I remember my parents saying: “when the boys tease you it means they like you think of it as a compliment” I hated that phrase. How do I overcome this learned behavior.

Anyway. Thanks again Anita, I appreciate it.
thank you,

lea signing off

Anita, wow.
I screen captured this whole post to save for later- Wow. I will definitely continue to watch myself and my behavior.

I have tried to stop myself before and I have successfully succeeded a few times. I’ve talked myself through how what I’m doing won’t help and such. It’s really hard- if I’m being honest. I have this little voice in my head that’s like- but “temporary fix!! Who cares about long term- long term means that I have to work for for a long time to get the same thing!!” as  I mentioned I have overcome the urge a few times- but it’s like an addiction.

see someone walking down the street? I have to go walk by with my dog, maybe I’ll be noticed maybe they’ll want to pet my  dog etc. and in my head it’s worse. The other day I thought: “If I died I wonder if anyone would miss me? Would (insert name here) care? Would someone feel bad that they left me? Would anyone wish they did stuff different etc.”

the two worst things I ever did was: one, I told everyone in grade five I was going to make an attempt on my life- because I was so angry and upset that no one was listening to me when I was being bullied, I told the teachers and they didn’t care- until I said that.

2- I stabbed myself with a pencil in the hand when I was in 5th grade. After the first incident. It was horrible. I bled everywhere.  The graphite broke off and I still have a big piece in my hand- it’s under the skin but very visible.

I now an old enough where I haven’t  harmed myself for ‘attention’ since I was at least in high school. But I have definitely gone out of my way to get attention. It’s an addictive act that I’m slowly working on. But it feels like I’m working on 100 things- it seems like I have endless issues that affect me daily. Including my focus- I haven’t been able to work in school since last Friday- when I wrote a post about my hyper focus session. I could write a ten page list of all my issues and what I need to work on- it’s a bit discouraging.
have a great day Anita.

sincerely, Lea