Dear Lea:

I understand the part about your husband being gone a lot, spending so much of his time at work while you are not involved in yours that much. The part I need to understand better is when you do spend adequate time with him- what is lacking: can you give me an example of a conversation you started with him, one that didn’t go anywhere for you, where you ended up feeling empty and unfulfilled? You can paraphrase such a conversation, it needs not be exact, of course.

anita

Lea,

I believe the problem is not your husband but you, let me explain myself, it may not be another type of relationship what you need but to find what you want for yourself, develope yourself as an individual.

Of course ir is exciting to find a new person you seem to have chemistry with, but that is not what you need to feel your life fulfilled, un a few years it will be the dame story because you haven’t work on yourself, you say you work to live and that’s it, so you are basing your life on a relationship, doesn’t matter who the man is, it won’t make you feel complete.

You have been married since you were todo young, do you have any passion?

Do you desire to become a mom? Bring it directly yo the table, find a passion of YOURS, a partner is to share life, not to be the reason and salvaron of it.

Be honest with your husband and talk about it with him, see if he wants to give something from his part but don’t let living based on what he does. You are a part of his life, not his whole, and that is Ok, that is why he may not be understanding what is happening.

Believe, a relationship Will not come and change your life, the only one who can achieve it is you.

I tell you a have a child and he is the light of my life, but I also have my very own passion and dreams, and they keep me moving.

Hope you can solve it, blessings.

Dear Lea:

I re-read your original post and your reply to me. In your original post you wrote: “I came out of the 10 year relationship mentally exhausted and shattered.”- then you met your second husband. I think that there is important information in what you took with yo from that ten year intense relationship, something that is playing a big part in your current relationship and your current challenge: to stay or leave.

Therefore I ask, what happened in those ten years, in summary best you can, what mental troubles came up for him after marriage, what happened… and why did he initiate the divorce?

anita

Dear Lea:

Your husband doesn’t like to talk “mumbo jumbo”, that is, beyond the practical issues of the day. Your first husband, on the other hand, talked a lot: “He would go thru weeks of saying he thought he loved me again followed by weeks of telling me he didn’t love me.”

I love you- I don’t love you- I love you- I don’t… no wonder you came out of that marriage “mentally exhausted and shattered”.

And no wonder, you welcomed the no-talking character of your next husband: you welcomed the silence, the calm and stability in it (“He was -and is- stable, calm”).

That silence, calm, predictability was welcomed shortly after the turmoil of the first marriage ending. But over time, you got bored, understandably. The side-effect of such silence is a sense of deadness. When you talked with the co-worker, you felt ALIVE.

As the social animals that we are we need connection with others, and as the thinking animals that we are, we need connection, most of us, beyond casual association, as what you experience in your current marriage.

Your husband, reads to me, had significant negative experience with past connections, most likely with his parents. His solution was to focus elsewhere- work. He is comfortable with this solution and is very unlikely to give that “mumbo jumbo” another try.

In comparison to the first marriage, to that noise, the silence of your second marriage was a welcomed relief. But since time has passed, and you had the alive-feeling talking with the co-worker, in comparison to this new experience, the silence of your current marriage is no longer welcomed.

What do you think at this point?

anita

Dear Lea:

No, I don’t think it will be a terrible thing to leave him, for the following reasons and with the following (suggested) understandings:

1. When you leave him, you are not ending the “black and white”/ no color living and entering a life of ongoing Color. There will be difficulties, down times, challenges, distress and sometimes black-and-white.

2. When you leave him, there is no guarantee of anything.

3. You leave him with an honest explanation, telling him your thoughts and feelings as-they-are; no convenient thinking applied, just the truth.

* His focus on his work is well established. He will most likely continue his focus and his life will not be significantly interrupted.

* Regarding the fact that you changed but he didn’t; meaning it may be unfair for you to change the rules after accepting them- it is okay, because you did not plan this. And because when you got together with him, he had the opportunity to get to know you, to get to know your past and your mindset. If he had taken advantage of that opportunity (and if you did answer him honestly, which you would have, correct?), then he would have learnt that you may need more time to recover before getting into a relationship with him.

He didn’t take that  opportunity because, I assume, he considered such talking to be “mumbo jumbo”- well, he is responsible for his choice, to not get to know you better before (and after) getting married with you.

anita