Dear Joe:

You shared that your older sister is narcissistic, toxic, vile, all adjectives you used. You shared that you refused to attend her wedding in the US as well as her wedding reception back in the UK.

In the last few years, you worked very hard, earned your Masters, went abroad and got accepted onto an internship (congrats for all these things!), loving your work and living independently in a new country, for the first time in your adult life (wonderful, my hat is off to you!!!)

Your mother should not have given your phone number to your older sister because you told her to not do that! And your mother should not give you messages from your sister, that she misses you, etc., pestering you, harassing you. I feel anger at your mother as I am typing this.

“I’m not giving her anther window of opportunity into my life.. I’ve worked really hard over the past few years to get where I am now.. and I’m not going to let her drag me down again”- good choice!

“What should I do about the fact she’s indirectly pestering me into talking to her when I don’t want her in my life?”- tell your mother to not pass you messages from your sister. Your mother owes you to respect your assertion.

“Am I in the wrong for setting this boundary?” – no you are not wrong.

“I’ve got enough on my  plate at the moment, being on edge the past few months thank to the virus situation.. They (your family) don’t even want to talk about my problems or address them, it’s just ‘Oh just come home if you’re finding things difficult”- that would be a mistake to go back home. I hope you don’t go back home and persist in your new life, persist through the pandemic. I very much hope things will get better and better.

“I feel bad for saying this but I’m happy where I am now, living independently and away from them”- please stay away from them, it’s what’s good for you to do, and tell your mother to stop pestering you if she wants to have the privilege of talking to you herself!

“Still healing from a lot of their crap and trauma over the past 29 years”, their crap, meaning your family’s crap. Too often, unfortunately, family is not what it is supposed to be. I came up with a saying a long time ago: sometimes family is just another F word. Stay away however difficult it is for you, because it is better than what you had back there. I remember that years ago I thought to myself that you might never get out of being stuck, stagnated. I am thrilled to read your progress! Don’t give it up, and don’t give in to anyone in your family.

anita